Moving out

Yes it was long overdue,  and I am days away.  It hasn't really hit me yet. . . .  I have been so ridiculously busy with finding jobs, registering for classes,  and a lot of other riff raff.  I've had some moments where I sit and look at how far I have come and relax.  But I am mostly dominated by constant stress.  And what do I do under duress?  Strange,  strange things. 

I play lots of music,  make lots of art,  read about string theory,  watch videos about string theory. . . . .  It's almost as if I think that understanding the complexities of the universe will help me solve my debt. 

But all of this is for that one ticket;  CSU.  Finally a major university is within my grasp after much deliberation and so many turns of events.  I was close to forgetting that deal I made with myself when I dropped out.  But I can't even focus on this long term goal,  I only keep thinking ahead of that.  Then I want to go to art school.  Then what?  Win the Nobel prize?  Paint a masterpiece?  It is almost like those are somewhat tangible goals if I could only focus on something.  It feels as if the purpose of every person on earth has to focus to a point and then explode before they die.  Every person has their niche. 

Pablo Picasso is a great poet,  nobody knows this.  He said that one day he is going to be known for being a poet and not a painter.  Wishful thinking.  It is impossible at this point.  Like any renaissance man people will seek out only the things that are needed in that time period.  In a period of great surrealism and art he was a painter.  If poetry was the craze at the time than that's what people would want. 

That's the great thing about being a child,  you get to plant all these seeds of inspiration and possibility and then when you are an adult you have to pick the most profitable tree and kill the rest of them.  The rest gets denigrated into little "hobbies."  God I hate that word,  it makes me think of old ladies and crackers. 

This may be pessimistic but I am quite happy.  I saw the apartment today and it was better than I hoped.  I am so stoked for this,  although the first coming months might be tough.  Ramen noodles all the way!