Sometimes when I am starting to wake up and reach a half awake and half asleep state, I feel like I can occupy every corner of the objects around me and the room itself. Then I bounce back and forth between them in a sort of dance. It can be quite blissful even though I do not quite understand it. Maybe I am accessing the part of my subconscious mind that passively measures all of the dimensions around me and then the constant dancing between the points is the harmony that ties the room together.
I think that is why I believe I prefer to be outside than inside because it is then that my mind flies off to vast distances to dance between the farthest reaches of the universe and the deepest facets of the earth and my own inner world. This shape in my mind is definitely not of a square room, maybe a giant sphere I am not sure. I simply love the harmony of disharmony (hahaha), to me it is simply conflicting forces that give each other purpose like a ying yang. But I am not going to delve into that. I am going to be more personal; introspective for a moment.
So I have reached a realization that I have been dire of finding for these past 9 months or so. Ever since I had my first psychedelic experience at the end of last summer I have been exponentially spiraling more and more outward into mass paranoia, a very negative space. I have these recurring thoughts about life and what exactly it means in relation to the universe. Now I don't believe these things entirely, I simply feel afraid of them. Most of you wouldn't know me to be a believer of most things, everything must be examined and understood for me. That is just who I am.
But anyways I have these several drug induced paranoia's that have spiraled out of control, one of them being the thought that life is a virus. Or let's say a very small part of a giant organism, that is killing it. I am not sure if there ever was a virus that could have become self aware and ultimately kill itself in a noble act of martyrdom. I think that this action is unprecedented in nature, it simply would not suffice for evolution. The act of living or growing for any organism is what drives us to survive, to love each other (in most cases our own species over most.) Considering in theory that life emerged from simple single celled organisms it would not suffice for a virus to become self aware.
Or is it the other case? Haven't we heard of all these miracle cures, leaving doctors puzzled as to how the hell something just happened? Regardless this is one of the paranoias I have, usually I can reason my way out of it but paranoia is quite tricky. It will not listen to reason, because one can become paranoid of what reason exactly is. Maybe I was taught to believe it?
My second paranoia is that of a religious zeal, from a drug episode in which I thought that I went to hell. And then when I came out of it I thought I never left. But this was even more maniacal in the fact that I believed I was born into hell. The worst kind of hell for any human being is that they were born there, and that everyone is born there eternally for all generations to suffer.
See this isn't a far step to conclusions if you already believe in heaven or hell. Because if you believe these things then there is absolutely no certainty that you are not already in one of those places, where is the transition? I don't think someone comes up to you and says, "Hi Dom, this is heaven!" or "guess what? Your in hell now." The first reaction would be denial, because any person off the street at this very moment could tell me that. Trust is a scary thing, not trusting yourself is even scarier. That is my definition of paranoia, not trusting yourself. Regardless every time I am in some sort of room and lots of people are staring at me I feel this fear. Like it is my personal hell in which everyone I love suffers as well. Regardless of whether it is physically true. Especially when I am at a party where people are doing lots of drugs, I feel this fear that this was our downfall or at least my own.
*Tangent* FUCK D.A.R.E, it does not teach you anything but ignorance and not only that but to develop a fear of understanding. They better get rid of that program in elementary schools if have kids. I didn't even know what drugs were until I took those stupid classes, I would have been drug free much longer. But regardless not all drugs are bad, excess is what is bad. In just about everything, but they will never preach that to children of course not. This is the U.S mother fucking A! *Tangent*
That is my second paranoia, the third is a little more subtle and hard to describe but I really have trouble getting around it. I have continued to spiral out into the weird as you can tell for this next one. My next fear was from the experience that made me quit everything except alcohol for the past couple of months. Basically it is a process that delineates reality, I get a feeling of perpetual non-solidarity. That we consist of a flat image of reality twisting and contorting into a perpetual gaseous state. We are not aware that we are running in a perpetual loop of time. It is like an atheist hell, where there was no higher beings to save us and life survived long enough to approach a sort of never ending black hole. Where the universe starts in a big bang, expands, contracts, and approaches a compressing anomaly that ultimately doomed any sort of progress. I take this fear as a fear that progress has no solidarity, which is an analogy for the very likely possibility that it does not. I just simply have to come to terms with it. Which brings me to what I was writing about in the first place.
I basically have been unable to get past the aftermath of all of these bad trips for a while now. I decided I cannot leave that realm on a bad note and have the ingredients for the mother of all brews; ayahuasca, yage, whatever you wish to call it. It is the most spiritual of concoctions and there are religions based around this substance that has been brewed in the deep heart of the world in primevil Amazonia for centuries. So when I was looking up experience reports I found one that mentioned one word, "kundalini experience." I was very curious to see what that was.
I went to some yoga site that gave a basic format for it and all that chakra business. I started to read about how to meditate and I have always been curious as to how it works. basically being a man of logic it was hard at first, but I believe that when it comes to yoga changing words like "prana" to say balance of breathing and balance of mind makes the transition easier. I got into the second stage of the process and balanced my breathing to flow through both nostrils which is actually quite hard, and the outcome was that I was fully rejuvenated. I had a calming feeling of a wave of energy or "breath" coursing through my body. I was just at body worlds today and after seeing all the ridiculously small and intricate alveoli of the lungs I could feel the air penetrate into all of the branches of my lungs and I realized a sense of reality. A sense of resolve and reason about my life. This I realised should be steps I should take before my next and final psychotropic experience. I must master meditation to calm myself before the inevitable plunge and resolve the demons that have manifested in my mind so I do not simply enter the loop of negativity once more and continue my perpetual paranoia. I feel confident and ready now. Now I can get back to painting.
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