world so cold

When passion's lost, and all the trust is gone, way too far for way too long.

Children crying, cast out and neglected... only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold.

Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, then watch them drift away.

Some might say we've done the wrong things for way too long, for way too long...

Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)

Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.

Keep your thorns, cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...

Burning whispers remind me of the days. I was left alone in a world this cold.

Guilty of the same things, provoked by the cause. I'm left alone in a world so cold!

Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)
Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.

Keep your thorns,
cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...

I'm flying,

I'm flying away!

Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so COLD!

Why does everyone feel like my enemy, don't want any part of depression or darkness.

I've had enough, sick and tired, bring the sun or I'm gone... OR I'M GONE!

I'm backing out,
I'm no pawn,
no motherfucking slave to this - Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else Not a care, no concern.

Don't give a shit about anything!

Backing out, giving up, no motherfucking slave to this Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else

Not a care, no concern. Don't give a shit about anything!


I need to find a darkened corner,

a lightless corner where it's safe and calmer...

I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)

Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying,
I'm flying away!

Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so Cold!

Word so Cold~Mudvayne

Its so funny how much I go in circles, once again these songs are there for me, I am so glad that Joey is ok.

The neverending rain

Who could forget the week the rain never stopped, and its explosive remnants after. Who could forget the lightning and thunder strikes, and the sadness mixed with laughter. I am strong once again, and even when nature booms with thunder, I stick out my tongue, hold out my hands, and with love and beauty abounding; I laugh at her.

All the lost words

What happens to the thoughts pushed aside? What happens to the moments that mattered most at one point, and lost meaning the next? What happens to the brilliant minds that disappear, those that have lived, fought, and accomplished? Our thoughts can feel so real to us, but we are told they have no substance, no matter. You could call a thought a firing of nerves in the brain, a balance of chemicals. But as our nerves fire, the chemicals pushing and prodding our brain to make sense of a chaotic world around us; our mind screams for understanding, for closure amongst this infinite world of free will that dwells within us. I know I have free will because at times I desire to not have it. We know there is free will when there is so much that coincides, contradicts, and knows no bounds.

One contradiction I have is that when it comes to philosophy I get very, VERY personal. Because it is very, VERY personal. Am I not a part of this unknown chaos? Am I alone in this world screaming into the wind? One personal thing I have noticed is there is a higher majority of what I have thought, believed, wrote, sang, dreamed, LIVED, that has been lost. Moments where the weight of the universe has come crashing down upon my very essence. Moments where what I have felt or thought feels like it is the weight of the universe. Some of these thoughts pass in the passing hour. Some of these thoughts get written down. Some of these thoughts get pushed back, burned, thrown away, forgotten, ignored, and essentially; lost in the universe, time, humanity, possibly only seen by creator and even he may deem them not worthy of you remembering. But I disagree with this, I wonder;

How many people have cried out to the stars?

How many songs have gone unheard?

How many people play music, with no need for words, in the night that has gone unheard and unmentioned?

How many books have been forgotten?

How many discoveries have been left untouched or unaccepted?

How many dreams have been left to disintegrate into the night?

How many dreams have not been accomplished?

How many dreamers have wandered aimlessly off the cliff of history, not seen or understood by a single mind?

How many last thoughts have been buried in the graveyards with their hosts?

How many loves have been left unrecognized, unsatisfied?

So yes, you were right, truth is relative. Not only that, but it is lost constantly. Thousands of cries for help have gone unheard. is it wrong as a human being to weep for those left unheard? It is in the moments that I hide anything about who I am, what I have done, What I desire, and what I dream to accomplish that I weep for those who have done the same for I know they are with me but just as lost. Let me tell you why there needs to be a heaven, because without one, most of the greatest things this world has known are lost and stripped of meaning. Without a place for these words representing the lives of billions only a small portion of their lives made it through to the next generation and even then, there is a natural erosion that occurs with time to take that away. That is why there needs to be a place for these things, there needs to be a observer that doesn't let one voice in this expanse of life to be unheard.
There needs to be purpose! not only that but a purpose that fills these meanings.

Even as I type, there are things that I have written that I am erasing. Boy do I love contradiction at times. Sometimes contradiction can show how connected things really are. This is the closest I can come to saying, I recognize and honor those who have which been lost or forgotten but I cannot even come close to understanding the magnitude of it. I can only know it is beyond my understanding. Which reminds me of something I said a little while ago, "you cannot fully appreciate something until you understand it." I for the most part still stand behind that statement. I will finish this tribute with quotes from people that will not be forgotten,

"nothing in life is free."

"I cannot leave because I haven't satisfied my purpose yet."

"is anything a lie if we die believing it?"

"I do what I want."

"You can pretty much back anything up until it is your fault."

"Truth is relative, if anything should be pure in its essence, it should be truth, but it is not."

I am trapped

I am trapped beyond any reasonable state to do action. I can only be. I can only sit while the world turns. I have the greatest possible disparity with no reason to do anything about it. I cannot do nothing, I cannot do something. I am just trapped. Doomed to be and nothing more. My happiness gives me contempt, my sadness has no meaning. The cause to do action of my own accord has deteriorated. I am listening to a part of me that is in the past. I think I am the only person at the moment that will not do what I want for no reason at all. I cannot escape, I w on't escape. I choose not to, like I have been institutionalized in life. I want a savior but might never get one, I try to be a savior when no-one needs one, I try to leave the world but get drawn back in, I try to see the world but I can only dream of it, I wish I could just serve myself but its just not satisfying, I wish I could serve others but I don't know who, what, when, WHY, or how, I try, and I try, and I try, but thats it. I stop trying and try to focus on not trying, because my spirit will try to do otherwise. I know nothing, i have no choice, i have no will, I have no way. Where there is a will there is a way, where there is no will there is no way. Where there is both there is simply entrapment of the greatest kind, and thats where I am. Trapped, and I will bang and thrash my head on the walls of this prison until the very last breath of me. Thank god I am not alone, but I am doomed to see these people from the other side of these bars and never to join them. I am doomed to either be happy with my prison, or angry with it. Not to leave it but find a way to enjoy it or sit in sadness. And thats how I am institutionalized, routine takes hold and strangles to the point of mundane depression.

Closure

"There are times I’ve suffered shipwreck in my journeys: In perils of robbers; In perils of false brethren; In perils of my own design. Yet, from these perils comes knowledge: Only from within may we truly shine."

"Smile" By Tupac Shakur

another line from the song
"And a man without a focus, life could drive him insane"

As I was sitting in front of the computer listening to this song, I realized the true value of finding anything higher in life. What is the use of philosophy when you have to fight for your meals? What is the use of science when you have to sleep with one eye open? What is the use of what I want to find when the whole world is suffering from the immediate pains? Why should I search when what the majority needs is so apparent and easy to give? I am searching for reasons, forgetting I have bread in my hands for these starving people at my feet. I am looking to the stars for a purpose when there are so many reasons to help shed in tears by my fellow human beings.

Give me reason, give me life, give me purpose, give me cause, but most of all let me give to this world what it has given me; meaning.

I have gotten a taste of that life, the life lived by unnecessary struggle. When Justice loses its distinction. I can see your faces, I can remember your names;

Cory
Joanna
Johnny (God)
Chris
Matt

I lived with you in that struggle, I saw what life can be like, and I still believe it was unnecessary. These are beautiful people, How can you keep me from sympathizing with them??? I would trust them anyday, live with them anyday. I suppose I fell into the phrase, "if you can't beat them, join them." I just wanted to pay a tribute of sorts to these friends, I have no idea where they are at in life but hopefully its not in the same or a worse place.

I am also releived to find that Jojo is alright, as I typed these words I had to find out, and she seems to be happy. She kept who she was (the good parts) and I am very proud to see that.
gotta get back to work as well, not a good night to write.

a mess of concepts

Hahahaha, lets start this one with a laugh, I just realised that I maybe write waaay too much. And since this post already seems to be taking a turn for the unconventionally worse, lets jump right into some of the cool thoughts I am having at this moment;

Isn't it the saddest common trait in society that the people who hate themselves are favored over people that hate everyone else? Although both are hate, and both are morally wrong to some extent, it is funny to see that there can be a mean for hating things. Another word for a person that hates themselves could be selflessness. Perhaps they are not actively belittling themselves, but they are still performing these sacrificial selfless acts in spite of themselves. What I see it as, is if you hate yourself, you hate the people around you. Because whether you believe it or not when shrouded by this spiteful vision, we are related. We both share these "faulty" if you will, genes. I can relate to this, that is how I know. I do sometimes have a lack of faith in humanity, but I wouldn't ask god to press the edit undo button for Adam and Eve. Because I see the capacity of every human, to do well, to love, to be "good." We have the capacity to figure this life thing out, to put forth such an effort unparalleled in all species. Although every species has done its part mind you. and that is something I can respect, the humbleness and yet raw untamed freedom of nature.

"Perspective dictates its own laws"

cool thought that was brought up with a good friend, by this I mean that a person See's what they want. Any view or prospect held by any sort of living being cannot be governed by anything but itself. Sure a persons view can change, but in the end, it is through their perspective that anything can make sense, be true, have significance. Like the question, if a tree fell in a forest and nobody was around to hear it, would it make a sound? My question is, when you walk into a forest and you see this giant tree resting in the calamity of dust, and the beam of light spilling through the hole in the canopy above it; does that image not create the greatest picture of a loud crash and breaking of boughs and branches in your mind? Like most philosophers say, there is a world of being and a world of knowing, nominal world and a phenomenal world, metaphysics etc.... So by this, if you would say the laws of death still apply to a singular perspective because without a being to think it, it becomes obsolete; I would ask you, isn't our memory of that persons perspective or that person in general, everlasting? A person cannot be forgotten, he/she vicariously lives through the whole membership of life. Have all extinct species been forgotten to the earth? No, their fossils remain, their impact in time remains. When all life is gone, their will still be that black knot called life running in the eternal grain of time. So in concerns to glory, in concerns to impact or remembrance, a person can only make that knot look bigger, not be a knot by himself in the face of time. (just a reminder, the knots seen in wood are the shoots, or branches of the tree connected to the primary xylem a.k.a heartwood.) So what if instead of looking at life as a tree, you looked at time as a tree, there is no beginning because that is the eternally growing roots. There is no end because that is the eternally growing trunk, branches, and leaves. The present is the moment the trunk meets or diverges from the roots, and it cannot signify the beginning because it grows in two different directions. Which two directions is something a beginning cannot have.

I have always had weird concepts towards the definition of time, a long time ago I liked to ask the question, what if time moved in a circle? It would still be eternal right? I like Thoreau's remarks on time when he quotes the Indian definition of time, to show time an Indian will point behind himself for the past, above himself for the present, and ahead of himself for the future. When I see this I can't help but think of the concept, what if time, was simply the laws of gravity? I wish I knew more about physics, but if every atom, stopped moving, would time go on? I would say no, because time can be a human faculty and we essentially are made of these atoms. So what if time exists in the eternal movements of these atoms? Although I have also heard that it is debatable whether atoms exist or not, so that doesn't help. Not only to mention that everything I have said is under the impression that there is no God, which could unload another plethora of possibilities. But I like imagining until my very intellect, my thought processes stress to the verge of breaking. Because as a Human, I can. A person is a person because they can be, a species is a species because it can be. Although I did not like these dead ends before, but due to new perspective I have changed.

ha! sometimes I love contradictions! and if I hated it other times, wouldn't that be a contradiction? Ooooo, someone has gotten my creative juices flowin and I love it!

This picture is in tribute of all the mathematicians and physicians out there, I love what they represent; the world of knowing.

When did truth become a lie?

"Why do we avoid honesty so much, and at the same time praise it? Is it because we believe at the core of our being, we are "evil" but what if at the core of our being we were something more pure than being "good" but rather possessing the wholehearted desire to be good?"

That is what I wrote on a piece of paper just a moment ago, and Kant would totally agree with this. This is something that we have been taught as kids for years. Do you want to know what I see growing up as? Being mature, is learning when to lie. Being mature, is hiding our demons. Somewhere, somehow, we got the ridiculous indication that those things are the "courteous" thing to do. That it would be the lesser of us, to burden society with such a thing. To burden people with the truth. So we carry it on our backs.

"Men establish and confirm their daily life of routine and habit everywhere, which still is built on purely illusory foundations. Children who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure." ~Thoreau

For once in the case of truth it is not a nice gesture to carry the load or "burden" if you may of truth for another person. This is the equivalent of exiting the cave (in Socrates allegory of the cave) and hiding the world of knowing from the people within. Which to me is a horrible sin. All the time I hear, "god is truth" from christians who dastardly use that as a reason for evangelicalism; but at the same time they are willing to lie about, their own faith, their own "demons", and any other "white lie" of the sort. You cannot tell me god is truth without saying at the same time, but we are lies.

But lets see what a lie is, in the dictionary it is a false statement said with the deliberate intent to deceive. When I look at a lie, I see it as much more than one person intending to deceive other people. Whether you believe it or not the world is not full of people out to get each other. A lie can also be told to oneself, a lie can be a faith of sorts. Is there such a thing as a "good" lie? A lie told with the best intentions? We see this scenario all the time, lets say an adopted child is not told until he/she is an adult that he/she was adopted. Everytime they say, "why didn't you tell me?" Thats the common line, but thats also the common thought. Most people, can handle the truth. Because like a faith, a person no matter how burdened, has something to believe in; truth. Which is very important to the human soul. Notice I have said both truth and lies is faith, but by a lie being a faith I mean wishful thinking. and by a truth being faith I mean the genuine trust and confidence that truth, is true. For lack of a better definition. So when is it appropriate to lie? As soon as the truth is realised first, because wishful thinking isn't a crime. In my book; it is Never ok.

Forget I said this, it is too pessimistic and hard to digest.