Spell check cannot make you make sense.

Swiftly contorting kneecaps and intracellular cross labeled messages congeal lightly upon the rapids of every one of my blank states of mind.  It is left without a singular cellular backdrop to fall onto and no personality I can refer to,  it is nothing more than a state of humdrum melancholy that leaves me with a question of perspicacity as to why I continued to continue, and keep staying busy.

One more round of blocked junctions in my mind in order to come closer to the sweet bliss of rest.  Life is work since the moment we start dividing things into sections and building onto ourselves to make a great block tower of domination to show to our teachers that we can continue playing the game without question.  My father before me and his father before he shows no mercy or capacity of knowing what in fact he could actually be in he continued to be after he was not he just like I have slowly learned to not be that which is me. Lies are creativity as are lies leaps of faith,  we make a lie to see what it can accomplish just like we take a turn to meet a dead end or a highway,  personally I would rather stop at the dead end to park and dance flowing webbed knowing internal completion of thought unraveling into each others interconnected globe of personality whilst all partying to the end of nobodies means in a parking lot of self prescribed endless fiasco's of color and meaning binding of ideas and the mating of entirely different conscious beings it was a traveling music circus and museum of antipodal self inebriating bodies that felt the feeling of rhythm so powerful and melody so meaningful that they became whatever it was that the circumventer and out of means proportion giver gave to sought with lyrical whimsy so divine,

we just had to say yes.

Did you know that we were once energy and that we could not help but to resist one another until x could become y as much as positive could run around negative in an inevitable endless circle around a tree trying to understand the concept of the other side. seeing is knowing and hearing is believing as is feeling is being and smelling detecting as is tasting is meaning,  we could so easily lose taste and still feel satisfaction in fullness whilst knowing what we can imbibe from what we smell and the process of elimination is key in becoming perfect it takes only the killing of several thousands of the weak to help feed the strong and some say nature does the same thing but we are fine examples of where nature went wrong.  Evolution like reality is a concept within itself that cannot exist without existing and seems to be the general outcome of throwing in our dice in the first place to gamble for that incessant need of an allegorical comparative to the smart philosophical naysayer kings that ultimately judge the right actions for the right means but only then may he too be poor to discover that the philosopher king is a king of the peoples and thus a king of himself just another cog in the machine of ants working on the tunnels for their pheromone producing queen. 

Who had to say that life was but a dream when I in fact see that the dream was in fact life but it was the abrupt awakening of death that tightened the seam.

This is not my body anymore

6:30 am. haven't slept in days and I'm not even on drugs.  I don't feel like I know who I am anymore,  I am slowly watching myself lose control.  Who knows what's going to happen when I can get a grip on myself again.  I keep feeling like there is some sort of change I can make in my routine and life that will get me going in the right direction.  A new haircut, quiting my job, moving out.  I keep pulling these illusions over my head.  Now I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to shower, or talk to very many people for that matter. I am in a bizarre state where I can't go without constantly playing music or painting.  It's my only sustenance in a cell with bars constructed from my needs.  It is my desire for stimulation and entertainment that will kill me one day.  Desire for a worthwhile purpose. but I am too much of a rough critic. 

Childish Optimism

I hope we don't already know everything about the world and I hope we never do.  The more conclusions we make about our existence the more we build a box around ourselves. 

A concert away from the earth

The entire red rocks amphitheatre stuffed to the brim and parking lots full of drug crazed loons.  I was in the 6th row and images of 10,000 days album art was being projected onto the clouds.  The bonds that were made between all the people lost in the music together were beyond words.  All we could do was look at each other and shake hands with our dumbfounded looks.  Now I am sitting here and all I want is to go back.  This really sucks,  every time we feel something amazing our capacity for normal life just becomes so shot.  All we want is more.  As if life was something to have and posses.  I don't have the time or the desire to buy a bunch of souvenirs.  Such a beautiful experience,  the whole night afterwards was great.  Some of the most unappreciated people are the ones that should be appreciated the most.  Adam and Maggie;  I will never forget taking turns being in the drivers seat.  hahaha.

I hate, that is all I do.

I hate when you are so angry and drunk that the only thing you can do is go to sleep to feel better.  How debilitating.  Too angry to express myself in any form other than just breaking down and crying.  Fuck this feeling. 

Meditation

Is better than any drug I have ever taken by tens of thousands of leagues beyond any idea I could possibly have thought was satisfaction. 

I just came out of a deep hour and a half experience and several things happened:

I couldn't hear my breathing and I didn't feel it either.  Breath was completely void.  I slowly left my body,  most of what happened is almost impossible to remember.  It was pure serenity is all I can tell you.  I had some things revealed to me that were troubling and lots of self repair was in order. 

After this portion however I got the craziest feeling I have ever gotten in my life,  I feel a hand pushing on my forehead.  I started to focus on the feeling and it was starting to get painful,  I felt my forehead right above my eyes but in the center being pried apart and it was like my brain was radiating out.  Then I felt a growing sensation which I would like to say is similar to an eye busting out of your head.  The pain started to get ridiculously unbearable and the eye was now boring into my head in this giant spiral.  I started trying to find ways to alleviate the pain,  first was maybe to look through this eye and see what was out there.  Nothing but strange things.  Then I felt like I walked around my head until I found a sort of tumor and I cut it out.  Then the pain went away,  I heard a sort of bell noise.  and slowly regained consciousness. 

All I can say is WOW!  Meditation is very, VERY powerful.  and this is coming from one of the biggest skeptics you can find.  My forehead still feels sore and my mind utterly fucked and dumbfounded.
Several of my fearful questions have been answered. 

The post that never posted, careful it is long and religious.

Sometimes when I am starting to wake up and reach a half awake and half asleep state, I feel like I can occupy every corner of the objects around me and the room itself. Then I bounce back and forth between them in a sort of dance. It can be quite blissful even though I do not quite understand it.  Maybe I am accessing the part of my subconscious mind that passively measures all of the dimensions around me and then the constant dancing between the points is the harmony that ties the room together.




 I think that is why I believe I prefer to be outside than inside because it is then that my mind flies off to vast distances to dance between the farthest reaches of the universe and the deepest facets of the earth and my own inner world.  This shape in my mind is definitely not of a square room,  maybe a giant sphere I am not sure.  I simply love the harmony of disharmony (hahaha),  to me it is simply conflicting forces that give each other purpose like a ying yang.  But I am not going to delve into that.  I am going to be more personal; introspective for a moment.



So I have reached a realization that I have been dire of finding for these past 9 months or so.  Ever since I had my first psychedelic experience at the end of last summer I have been exponentially spiraling more and more outward into mass paranoia,  a very negative space.  I have these recurring thoughts about life and what exactly it means in relation to the universe.  Now I don't believe these things entirely,  I simply feel afraid of them.  Most of you wouldn't know me to be a believer of most things,  everything must be examined and understood for me.  That is just who I am. 



But anyways I have these several drug induced paranoia's that have spiraled out of control,  one of them being the thought that life is a virus.  Or let's say a very small part of a giant organism,  that is killing it.  I am not sure if there ever was a virus that could have become self aware and ultimately kill itself in a noble act of martyrdom.  I think that this action is unprecedented in nature,  it simply would not suffice for evolution.  The act of living or growing for any organism is what drives us to survive,  to love each other (in most cases our own species over most.)  Considering in theory that life emerged from simple single celled organisms it would not suffice for a virus to become self aware. 



Or is it the other case?  Haven't we heard of all these miracle cures,  leaving doctors puzzled as to how the hell something just happened?  Regardless this is one of the paranoias I have,  usually I can reason my way out of it but paranoia is quite tricky.  It will not listen to reason,  because one can become paranoid of what reason exactly is.  Maybe I was taught to believe it?



My second paranoia is that of a religious zeal,  from a drug episode in which I thought that I went to hell.  And then when I came out of it I thought I never left.  But this was even more maniacal in the fact that I believed I was born into hell.  The worst kind of hell for any human being is that they were born there,  and that everyone is born there eternally for all generations to suffer. 



See this isn't a far step to conclusions if you already believe in heaven or hell.  Because if you believe these things then there is absolutely no certainty that you are not already in one of those places,  where is the transition?  I don't think someone comes up to you and says, "Hi Dom,  this is heaven!"  or "guess what?  Your in hell now."  The first reaction would be denial,  because any person off the street at this very moment could tell me that.  Trust is a scary thing,  not trusting yourself is even scarier.  That is my definition of paranoia,  not trusting yourself.  Regardless every time I am in some sort of room and lots of people are staring at me I feel this fear.  Like it is my personal hell in which everyone I love suffers as well.  Regardless of whether it is physically true. Especially when I am at a party where people are doing lots of drugs,  I feel this fear that this was our downfall or at least my own.



*Tangent* FUCK D.A.R.E,  it does not teach you anything but ignorance and not only that but to develop a fear of understanding.  They better get rid of that program in elementary schools if have kids.  I didn't even know what drugs were until I took those stupid classes,  I would have been drug free much longer.  But regardless not all drugs are bad,  excess is what is bad.  In just about everything,  but they will never preach that to children of course not.  This is the U.S mother fucking A! *Tangent*



That is my second paranoia,  the third is a little more subtle and hard to describe but I really have trouble getting around it.  I have continued to spiral out into the weird as you can tell for this next one.  My next fear was from the experience that made me quit everything except alcohol for the past couple of months.  Basically it is a process that delineates reality,  I get a feeling of perpetual non-solidarity.  That we consist of a flat image of reality twisting and contorting into a perpetual gaseous state.  We are not aware that we are running in a perpetual loop of time.  It is like an atheist hell,  where there was no higher beings to save us and life survived long enough to approach a sort of never ending black hole.  Where the universe starts in a big bang,  expands,  contracts,  and approaches a compressing anomaly that ultimately doomed any sort of progress.  I take this fear as a fear that progress has no solidarity,  which is an analogy for the very likely possibility that it does not.  I just simply have to come to terms with it. Which brings me to what I was writing about in the first place. 



I basically have been unable to get past the aftermath  of all of these bad trips for a while now.  I decided I cannot leave that realm on a bad note and have the ingredients for the mother of all brews; ayahuasca, yage, whatever you wish to call it.  It is the most spiritual of concoctions and there are religions based around this substance that has been brewed in the deep heart of the world in primevil Amazonia for centuries.  So when I was looking up experience reports I found one that mentioned one word, "kundalini experience."  I was very curious to see what that was. 



I went to some yoga site that gave a basic format for it and all that chakra business.  I started to read about how to meditate and I have always been curious as to how it works.  basically being a man of logic it was hard at first,  but I believe that when it comes to yoga changing words like "prana" to say balance of breathing and balance of mind makes the transition easier.  I got into the second stage of the process and balanced my breathing to flow through both nostrils which is actually quite hard,  and the outcome was that I was fully rejuvenated.  I had a calming feeling of a wave of energy or "breath" coursing through my body.  I was just at body worlds today and after seeing all the ridiculously small and intricate alveoli of the lungs I could feel the air penetrate into all of the branches of my lungs and I realized a sense of reality.  A sense of resolve and reason about my life.  This I realised should be steps I should take before my next and final psychotropic experience.  I must master meditation to calm myself before the inevitable plunge and resolve the demons that have manifested in my mind so I do not simply enter the loop of negativity once more and continue my perpetual paranoia.  I feel confident and ready now.  Now I can get back to painting.