All the old stuff

Heres all the old stuff from oldest to newest, there is a lot and it ranges from up to 4 years ago to 1 year ago, don't read unless you really want to waste your time. so here they are:

old blog #1:

i dont realy care about what you think about this blog or me even blogging at all unless its genuine. i dont want you to see me any differently because i am the same as ive always been. im doing this on a blog because i HATE writing to be 100% honest i am not afraid of anything except lack of purpose. everyone always feel they have never done anything for a higher purpose. it is something that can destroy your whole being. no matter what or who you are you will never feel you have fulfilled that purpose. Not only does the need for purpose plague me every second i stop to think, but lifes questions pop into my head over and over. if i had nothing to do but think for a day i would go insane. I am not religious but i am not against it ether. the only thing i believe in is the answers or the truth. but if there is a god i would ask him, why would he plague mankind by giving them the ability to ask questions but never find the answers to them? the meaning of life is the quiere most people throw on the table. the only problem is that understanding on a human comprehension level has to be about something that "exists" like time seems like it exists but it also doesnt because time is something that can never change. it will always be moving forward. so it essentialy doesnt exist because it has never began or come to exist and cannot end. whenever i think about this vast expanse of existance it is impossible to see a purpose to be forfulled if it is essentially not needed. there is a point where life must stop and by life i mean life all around because the only way for life to not stop would be for it to become the exact same consistancy as time. so essentialy all life will come at an end or there is no diference between time and life and they are 1 thing. (tife. hahaha) i only put this blog up so that i know a fringe of my thoughts are recorded and i dont have to keep bringing them back into my mind whenever i stop to think. thats why i hate that phrase stop and smell the roses when its refered to life because then i will start thinking of how those roses came to be and their purpose. and they dont smell like anything anyway. so i wrote this blog for my own satisfaction to get that burdon off my mind. its funny how most people write their blogs for other people to see but consider it personal. if someone is still reading this than they are probably one of the more closer friends in my life because to be honest if i saw a blog this big i probably wouldent read it.


old blog #2:

I hate that stupid cliche feeling that life is short. whenever i stop to wonder where the time has gone. time is still chuggin along and kickin dirt in my face and giggling away. i am totaly against saying that life is short but i can still feel impacted by it. i guess thats human nature. you can say that peoples attitudes and aspects change but i can put a personal stamp of guarantee that they still fall back to human nature. human nature is in a way an oxymoron. we do nothing but fuck nature. as a matter of fact nature should have a restraining order of say, 100feet away from humans. sometimes i wish i was totaly naive to higher thought so stuff like that wouldent bother me. like a goldfish or a stork (wtf?) Knowledge is power, but ignorance is bliss.take your pick...... i think bliss sounds nice. and thats why crack is so popular. kinda like love vs. money, with money you got power but you will never be truly happy. i just contradicted myself by appreciating feelings. but i guess thats human nature, i didnt know nature was such a bitch! If you are reading this blog i would like to know why? and actualy tell me. here ill translate, por que? pourquoi? Warum? perché? Waarom? ??????? hvorfor? ???? ??? (for kenny)

old blog #3:

its funny how we classify ourselves as totaly diferent than animals. I noticed that we are COMPLETLY controlled by our primal instincts. they say animals dont have emotions. they do just not with logic behind them. we feel fear just like animals do. we feel the need to survive just like animals. we feel anger because its a way for our body to give us the adrenalin to survive situations. we feel happiness just because it gives us a reason to keep surviving. i dont see it as good or bad i see it as one situation vs. another and our instincts tell us wich one is the one that will help us survive. so there is no good or evil in the universe because it is a manifestation of our instincts to survive. so we create a heaven or hell not god. (sorry flanders, but you suck diddly uck) have you ever noticed that if you look any animal straight in the eyes they look away just like a person? the reason why we feel awkward is because in a survival situation if something stops and theres a moment where its just you and your enemy not making any moves your instincts tell you your uncomfortable so that you do something before the other thing does. every living thing feels like it needs to fulfil its purpose. that purpose is to maintain life. so if you take away that things hardwiring to achieve its purpose by say locking it in a cage and not giving it the ability to do what thousands of years have taught it, that creates depression. we as human beings have spent 95% (and thats a real statistic) of our time on earth as hunter gatherers. so in modern times people develope depression and lack of purpose and still feel urges to create and develope and work to obtain what they need to survive. have you ever heard of a cereal killer in an indian tribe? i dont think so. the only killing of their own people is for reasons such as power and rage. but never for pleasure because they already achieve that by fufilling their purpose of defending their people and hunting for survival. basicly everyone is getting fucked from progression. the only urge that is satisfied in these modern times is the urge to discover, create, and gain knowledge. isnt it funny how when guys see girls they make themselves seem bigger and more powerful and girls usualy like it? just like fuckin animals! we think we are so advanced and so much more different than our primitive ancesters but we are not. the only thing that separates us from animals is the ability to go against our instincts, to question our existance, to contemplate everything. wich i think personaly sucks cuz those questions will never be answered. the meaning to life is, there is no meaning. we just try to create reason for everything cuz thats the only thing we understand. to know the meaning of life you must not be alive because you cant comprehend it. since there is no meaning to existance than there must be something besides whats living and whats not, because there is no need for a reason. and i have a disclaimer im not trying to be sympathetic to animals and say oh they have feelings too. im trying to say that we are no different than them. but hey we are human and we cant do anything to change that. so its best if we just go with it but at least have the comfort of knowing that there is reason behind emotions and what we do and why we do it. i am a beast and theres nothing i can do to change that. hahaha

old blog #4:

we are an insignificant speck in the universe. the more you think about it the more it seems like everything is a waste. kinda like MIB II. cool movie. at the ending when they open a door and it turns out that earth is in a tiny locker among billions and a bunch of bigass aliens are walking by. its funny how sometimes when you watch movies you get so involved in them you think that they are real and after the movie it feels weird to be back to reality. sometimes i find myself wishing that the answer to everything was what i saw in a movie. like march of the penguins. hahahaha. but i think that movie is cool cuz it shows how there was more to the penguins lives than just antartica. and i find myself wishing that it was as easy as swimming out into an ocean and finding out everything beyond our perception. if i could i would in a second. there is curiosity in me that wonders if theres anything else out in the universe but theres a fear in me that we are alone in the universe and will never know if it could all be ending on the other side. everyone dies with some content that whatever they have done it will be immortalized forever. this thought is left with them and will never be taken away. so if everything does come to an end it wont matter because most people were content before they died and no matter how far eternity goes the past will always be there wether remembered or not. and what never ceases to amaze me is that we do not have the ability to change the universe but have the ability to create that scenario in our minds wich is like total power over everything with our minds. so I still feel that fear that everything is for nothing because things might not go on forever. but i feel a great sense of content because i know that my mind can triumph over any adversity. Without the ability to control your thoughts you are lost. so essentialy yes we ARE insignificant to the whole scheme of things but as long we have the power to believe that were not, nothing else matters. howa bout them apples? so my thoughts right now? im gonna go eat some apple pie and whipped cream and theres nothing anybody can do about it.
yet another rambling

old blog #5:

first of all why spend your life doing what everyone else is doing because when you die alone and you will die alone you will have no one to follow. and if you truly think that there is life after death how are you going to find it if you have nobody to follow?everyone who follows is following a follower because even the great leaders follow traits of someone else. so everyone is just wandering not knowing where they are going. just a bunch of fucking clueless sheep. its like those wendys commercials where they all are running off a cliff. I believe i deserve a hot and juicy burger. So those of you that see me and wonder whats wrong with him why isnt he a clueless boob like me that wont go outside the norm? heres some bad news. i fucking live for that. i fucking love it when people wonder what the fuck about me. there is nothing greater than making every insecure dooshbag feel uneasy. im not trying to be different, i just HATE being the same. so when you feel like you have the power of what is considered the way things are suposed to be, over me, you couldent be more wrong. That doesnt faze me for a second. now im gonna go kick some puppies. good night.

old blog #6: (note to self, I actually like this one.)

As you look into the fathoms of that dark place called the mind. your eyes open to a revelation hidden beyond recodnition. That tangable thing that might be a dream or a memory lost deep in the far reaches of time. hidden on the fringe of reality and lost off the edge of sanity. you remember a time when you looked up to that vast arc above your head that holds onto existance in a spectacled white fashion, and realized that beyond reasonable doubt that your a part of something that has passed through the ages of time and existance. That you are in fact, looking through the eyes of time itself. and when you look down into the detailed rich fields beyond you. your eyes fill in incredible details in the opaque void intwined with the moonlight. And the eternal feeling that has been passed on to guide you, leaves you running, almost floating across the solid ground beneath you. the pure unashamed ecstatic joy overtakes you as you bound across forests, through mountains, all the while knowing this is where you belong. and when the wind embraces the trees and the grass, it speaks to your senses more profoundly than any language you have ever known. This place that seems so familiar to you, becomes forever etched into your memory and fufills your purpose that has been so hard to find. Suddenly the familiar surroundings flood your senses. Hearing is the first. and that world that might have existed is again lost, compacted into that level below conciousness and than added to the ongoing record to be played by somebody else once again.

old blog #7:


Well lets see, heres a disclaimer, these blogs are for myself because I HAVE to do this. If i don't write my ponderings down I will explode in a mess of words, thoughts, and emotions. Like I dont anyway.
First if I am to get you guys attention im going to have to first talk about those little problems that we worry about as much as we can with the limited time we have here. Like how about we talk about how a friend can shatter your whole world with one act of spitefulness. Or on a higher level a significant other. What a funny word significant other is. you know why I think thats what its called? because that person can "significantly" hurt you. Yes they can also significantly make you happier, but which one is dependant on the other? or a better question, which one is more unstable? would you marry someone that breaks your heart before you know them?
So what is it about other people that can be so damaging to us? What keeps us from befriending that same person that left us to rot? It is memory. All that we can remember is what that person did to us. So do not waste your life over a friend, rather build your life because of a friend. didn't that person give you the friendship that you needed at that time? Why else would you have stayed friends with them? and ask the inverse also, why won't you stay friends with that person now? they are not needed.
Now If I am not mistaken those people that did so much "damage" to us also gave us the foundation to end the friendship and move on. So for one answer to the problem of the damage of friendships, mayby we shouldn't be so greedy to want those great moments we had with our friendship to happen again. So how can you act on that? go back to this person, don't apologize. tell them that you need them in your life, just not quite in the same way as before.
So if I am to continue making these questions exponentially bigger, why do we feel the need to have people around us constantly? WHY ARE WE LONELY? Ah, the cries of the lonley. I hear you, we all hear you. We are all lonely. As a matter of fact scrath the last part I said about us all hearing the cries of the lonely, it is more like we understand how you feel, we have compassion for you. The problem with lonliness is that there is no cure. The key is timing. lonelyness will hit you when you are in your most fragile state, be it at midnight and your only escape is a conversation on the computer, or be when you are with a friend and in doubt. Nothing can seem to fill that void in your heart when you are lonely because it is a time when nobody can be reached. Why would you suppose that nobody can be reached? It could be because We cannot hear you over our own cries of lonliness. So I will talk to people if they are lonely regardless of what i think of them.
But I havent even begun to answer the question of why do we feel lonely! Is it because we feel safety in numbers? but are we really that animalistic? at a point and time that might have been the reason lonliness began. But let us ask what is it now? Is it because we need to teach each other? but are we really just using each other to understand our world? Is it even a question of physical survival anymore? Or does friendship feel like something higher to you?
So for all of you that hate society (I being one of them) than to truly abstain from it you need to first abstain from friendship, lonliness, and your dependance on other people. So do NOT give me the overused 60's mentality that you do not need society. prove it to me first! For I am trying to prove it to myself. I will not thank you for reading this until you give me feedback because it is not your condolence i want, it is your criticism! and heres a sick picture for the hell of it,

This next one was a letter I wrote to myself when I was drunk after watching master and commander:

The ages of discovery? Is the exploration of the world uncovered already? Is there absolutly nothing that we cannot type into a search engine on the internet? Why did it have to come to this? how could we have evolved so fast? If I could choose to I would rediscover fire for myself over and over again. what is more amazing and liberating than when you see something that mystifies you? that makes you stand back and contemplate your world? Is there no room for this left in modern society? Am I not alowed to discover anything different besides the cure to cancer? Yes I can hear of trees over 300 feet tall and see pictures of them, but nothing compares to that wonton wonderment of seeing such a majestic beast as a miniscule person in conjunction to the largest organisms on earth. To look at the ocean for the first time. The logic of something ever renewing cannot be told, you have to live it. To see the view from atop a mountain. To discover and explore your world. you cannot truly grasp the full size of the world until you have explored its far reaches. you could get a P.H.D in geography and be put upon your knees just by the sight of the wonders of the world. Even further than that extent is the extent of anticipation of the mind. Nothing will ever be exactly as you expect it to be. For the lucky few it is greater. I think its best described as surreal. some say you die a thousand deaths before you truly die. I do not know wether to marvel at this or to can it because nothing will be worth hoping for. I personally don't care. I personally Hate where I have gone. i hate what I have become. i hate what I have stood for and what I have given into for. I personally Hate the hands I have been delt, and I PERSONALLY LOVE WHAT I AM WILLING TO SACRAFICE TO MAKE MYSELF STRONGER, WISER, AND EVEN MORE I LOVE WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR ME. What is this drive that makes me so hungry? makes me so desperate to change things. makes me so desperate to sacrifice and chase after heroic acts that have a cause or not. I BURN with a desire to be so much more. so much more than anyone else in my past. I fell indebted to the generations before me. they all are martyrs for their cause and I want to finish the job for them. I want to make the largest possible difference my body can make. my mind can make. my spirit can make. I want to make the biggest possible accomplishments that the very cells of my body can perform. I am just a hunk of meat that can talk, walk, and think. Why not make the most out of this tiny little piece of meat that is living off of a world. If you think about it we are a one in a billion chance. Every star in the sky is a reminder of all the other earths that did not happen. All the other human races that could not exist. Why are we here? the ageold question. what scares me is the real question behind that, the one we dare not bring up. mayby the real question is not what is the meaning of life. mayby the real question is, is there any meaning at all. I would not be surprised if we were just a chance occurence. I would not be surprised if all that happens when we die is we rot in the ground long forgotten. and for all those people that have contributed so much to mankind, how will they be remembered if life eventually stops. the only fuel to glory is people. the only way to get glory is to serve people. the only way to sucessfully live your life without abuse is to serve people. So what do I do with this fiery passion within me? I use it to make a change beyond humankind. How do I do that? Well I hope I find out before I die.

this was a message I found in my drafts that I think was directed towards Kevin:

This is to all those who have lost motivation under the fattening and suckling of americas easy living. This is to all the people who have concluded whats the point. this is to all the people who cannot find a purpose. this is to the people who need a definite answer to even start trying. Yes I have been there. We all are there. that is our generation. So I ask this question what becomes of the children of the men that fought for freedom? They become quitters. but they are not quitters in the fact that they do not fight for any cause. (because there is not one to fight for.) They are quitters because they NEED a cause to fight for. That is human nature. not compassion, invention, divinity, nihilism, or anything discussed. We have been fighting for our cause since we were born by nature. there is no need to even look into the past (which is riddled with evidence) because people need something they can relate to so Im going to give it to them. Why do we do sports? because it feels good to fight for a cause, winning. Why do we go on marathon runs? because we are running for a cure, a good cause? Why do we do science? because we do it for the cause of man. Why do we invent? for the cause of man. Why do we go to war? because we are told we are fighting for a cause. So we quit on freedom. Yes we are nihilists. are we all comfortable with it? HELL NO! You cannot contain human beings in a cage like lab rats. you can give us all we need. you can even give us freedom to do whatever we want. But that only makes the cage smaller and more claustrophobic. What we have been stripped of to make us not free is cause. America was at one point free and then it lost it along the way by harboring the ignorant people and their ideals. By being given so many things we have lost the freedom to earn them. By being given technology we have lost the freedom to invent and literally move! What has the internet provided mankind? Addiction to porn, constant communication, attention whoring via myspace, loss of interest in anything outside the screen, addiction to this technology. we did not need this before, what happened? What has T.V. done for us? it has taken 1 hour a day or more out of our lives, it has destroyed our creativity in entertaining ourselves. What has video games done for us? It has made us switch from T.V to games, T.V. is like the gateway drug to technology and internet and video games are like crack but tenfold. one hit of crack lasts for a couple hours and one video game lasts for months. and the causes to fight for in these can be found. So I emplore you america, give us freedom. Because I have tasted it and now I have only a taste for freedom. Give me my cause because that is what I am naturally inclined to live for. be it life, be it death, be it immortality, be it destruction, be it construction, be it for life itself. Life can last forever. It just has to have the right cause and it will. There is no one else in the universe and if there is than that is just adding onto the cause pile. So if my fellow peers of this time period need a reason to try, a reason to fight, a reason to will anything besides nothing (because nothingness can be a cause and needs it also.) Than here is your cause, give up technology, give up your money, give up your thoughts and ideals, give up everything and start over. start with a cause for one thing and one thing only true freedom. the freedom to will your cause. because yes we can get used to our prison cell. yes we can become institutionalised. but that is how we can become stripped of all our nature. and nothing pains that unique species called humans more than being stripped of their causes.