when the levee breaks

There is nothing more catastrophic than when your belief system comes crashing down, nothing more heart wrenchingly painful. Mankind is made of believers; we are believers, we need to believe. We have the capability to question our very existance, how beautiful is that? It is beautifully tragic, we have the capability to question but not to answer. Why is it so hard to think for a second we do not have a purpose? Do not say it is because we have one, wishful thinking is like fire and can consume your entire soul if you are not careful. The reasoning for a creator or higher cause cannot be because it is so painful to not have one. The reasoning for life cannot be to live another one. The reasoning for existance cannot be but more than, to exist. But notice I say the reasoning for something, not its validity. You can challenge whether we have a higher cause for your whole life, but don't come to me with the basic conclusion that there is one simply because that is what you desire.

Temperance is highly praised amongst men, but when it comes to purpose, these men suddenly are led entirely by their desires. Hopeless romantics in a sea of painful nothingness. Am I being morbid? pessimistic? overdramatic? No, that is what consists of our deepest heartaches, we are teaming with irrational desire. But I understand, Sometimes it seems almost impossible for a happy man to understand a miserable man. The hardest thing a person can do as a human being is to admit they are not the end of all means. What is the ultimate cause of life as a whole? To live. What is the ultimate cause of humanity to strive for? Happiness. What is the ultimate cause of happiness? good question. Chris Mcandless couldn't have put it better, happiness is best felt shared. So I think one of the ultimate causes for happiness could be love. All you need is love? is that what the beetles said? What about purpose? We seem to need a purpose don't we? But what if we gave up this sharade for living forever, which is what religion ultimately is and why anyone follows it. Try following a religion that does not dictate any sort of afterlife, it is humanly impossible. What if our purpose was to love, thus to be happy, to finally live life. You were right why do I feel the need to be productive all the time? Especially when I don't believe in a god, which you must realise leads to a life necessary of production.

One thing that I have realised without even setting a foot outside my house is that where I am, who I am with, being with anyone at all means nothing towards my ultimate goals. I do not need isolation, I do not need relocation, I do not need any change to realise as a human being I need answers. I will always desire to mean something, to make a difference in this giant spectrum of infinite nothingness. But at the same time that dictates that I do not have to stay here as well.

To sum up my life in a few sentences I am always in constant battle with my desires vs. my contemplation. There are things that I have to do no matter what, those are my desires. When my logic comes into place I might have an explaination for why that is. But when I do not have an explaination that means it is total desire. I cannot explain why, or how I am going to make a difference in the world, I just have to. I cannot explain why I want answers or desire truth, I just do. So can these things interfere with my life? a little. But I have always been surprised at what can change, nothing is for certain.

So to answer your question, Do I need my "moment of isolation" in order to find my cause? I thought that was what I needed to do, but I already had that moment, I already know what I want. And I just realised it can be done regardless of any factors but my own desire. The question is not," what if I desire to keep you as a friend all to myself", The question is, "what if suddenly you found a person that will want to stay with you for life."

What if, I suddenly was freed from the impression that I could actually be held down by anyone but myself? Suddenly life was not more than living. it became not just a search for truth but an incredibley beautiful journey along the way. To search for truth and to live for it as well.