Conflict

Time to let the monster in the back of my head loose.

The choice, does it have to be a choice?

Of all the hard things for a man to choose between, his greatest dreams and aspirations

vs. the greatest loves of his life

do they necessarily have to conflict? I don't know, what happened to my dreams and aspirations? To be a nomad; to explore; to inherit the earth; to find answers; maybe to find more questions; to change the world........


The Starfish
Ka Hôkû Kai
Once upon a time, there was a wise kupuna (elder),
who went to the sea to contemplate.
One day, while walking along the shore,
the kupuna looked down the beach,
and saw a gracefully dancing
human figure.

The kupuna wondered out loud,
"Who would so joyfully greet this day with hula?"
and began to walk faster to catch up.
Getting closer, the kupuna saw that the dancer was a keiki (child),
who was not dancing at all.
The keiki was reaching down to the sand to pick up something,
and was very gently throwing it into the sea.

The kupuna called out to the keiki,
"Aloha! What are you doing?"
The keiki paused, looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish into the sea."

Surprised, the kupuna sputtered,
"I...I guess I should have asked, WHY are you throwing starfish into the sea?"
The keiki smiled brightly,
pointed upward and,
with exquisite simplicity, replied,"The sun is up, the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."
"But, don't you realize, " asked the kupuna, "that there are miles and miles of beachand starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"

The keiki listened politely.
Then bent down,
picked up another starfish, threw it gently into the sea,
just beyond the breaking waves,and exuberantly declared,
"It made a difference for that one."

I have always loved that analogy, I have always thought its funny how life is never like a movie. I know that's a very common thing to say, but what I think people don't realise is its not the fact that life isn't a movie, its the fact that we desire it to be. Ideally, I would go out to accomplish my dreams and realise I don't have to travel anywhere to find answers, they were right here in front of me. But that's not life, life is so diverse it can sometimes not have any real higher cause, or so it seems. I realised that I don't need to go anywhere to find answers a while ago, it will always be my mind that is in the way. But I still feel that burning desire to leave, to explore, to jump into the depths of the unknown. That is something that I think will never change, like my desire to change the world.

is my life but a bunch of thoughtless desires? These do not feel like the superficial desires I have felt before, these are like a pang of hunger to my soul. Something that burns when I don't quench it. Is this a sign of a creator? or is it a sign that I should find him? That would be ideal, because than maybe he could satisfy these hungers.

ah, but is that what I want? Maybe, like many other desires, I wish to hold onto these pains. Like when a person is sad about something really significant, they don't want to feel better, they want to embrace this sadness with a sad song, to get lost in the melody. To become more sad so that they can come back into the light. Because some moments in life are worth the worst apathy and some moments in life are easily worth the greatest ecstasy.

That is choice number one to follow these desires with no restraint, to jump to conclusions I would say it would be worth it, but only half worth it. Now for choice number two, and I will start this with a good quote from Epicurus;


"Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is friendship."

Not going to argue with that, to give the readers digest version on friendship I will say;

The earth is such a beautiful place to behold for the soul, but twice is the amount to share this beauty with a friend.

Not only that but several at that! I have always been a 1 friend kind of guy, i always believed that it was far better to have 1 amazing friend vs. lots of less meaningful ones. But recently I have been proven wrong, ha yes, I was wrong. What an enjoyment to be proven wrong. people don't see the beauty in being proven wrong on something, people seem to have a conviction that everything they behold of the universe is correct above all others. I hate to break their bubble but that can never be true, and that's whats so great about being proven wrong; Somehow along the way people forgot that being proven wrong is to have your eyes opened! The realization of truth! My god how I would love to have god proven to me! hahaha. that's a funny statement but entirely true none the less.

So choice number two? suddenly I want to share the world with someone else, I want to journey with others as well. HA, suddenly life IS more like a movie, with the greatest comrades to follow you on the epic quest of life.

But here's a disclaimer before choice number three; I have found, and some of this thought is from Nietzsche along with Aristotle. To find truth in yourself or to be sophomoric, to find yourself period, you have to be alone. How can you find yourself amongst a sea of people? Have I found myself? I would actually like to say that I have, I had that long lapse of time to be alone and I am thankful for that. But to ask a higher question, have they found themselves? I cannot be with a comrade that does not know him/herself, I know as a human being that is a strong desire to find oneself. and I would not wish to interfere with that.

Now for choice number three; which isn't really a choice but an uncertainty, why can't I follow my dreams without the sacrifice of relationships? If not the sacrifice of, more like the pains of nostalgia? Ha! How ironic my life has become! I never got homesickness before. To leave home was the easiest thing amongst all. So let me tell you than what is wrong with choice number three, it is not my choice to make. I am living this half life, I feel the desire for choice number three but am ready for if I am stuck with choice number one. Is that any way to live a life? Always being ready to leave at the drop of a hat? I find contempt in my ability to do that,

curse my strength, because it feels like indifference to me!

Here is something I wrote a couple days ago, and here's a tip when reading some of what I say, sometimes you can replace words such as we, or us, or any third person words and replace them with 'I' to see what I am really saying;


How can we deal with the departure of loved ones? to expel their influence on our life from our souls? Why can't we miss them quietly and than once we see them, its as if a day hasn't passed without them in our hearts. Would the second mode of missing someone interfere with daily life? Why can't we continue regardless? How can a person become bored with a relationship but at the same time be torn apart at the departure of a loved one. Be that departure permanent or temporary.

Here is a little conflict that I did not mention; and I put it at the end of the page for a reason, because it is in the same state in my mind. Something squirreled away and brought out at the worst times. But maybe at the best times as well. I really, really, with all my heart at times want to live frugally. To live like Apocalypto, 10,000 b.c., Call of the Wild, Dances with Wolves, Walden, all of them. But most of all Apocalypto, Jesus, the first time I watched that movie I was alone. At 3 o clock in the morning, in dead winter. That was most likely the most restless night of my life. I did not sleep, I stayed up, wishing, dreaming, still living with the impression that Jaguar paw still needs to save his family. It is amazing how invested I can get in a story sometimes. The day I quit my job was the day after I watched 10,000 b.c., I had a dream about that movie, and I could almost say that I quit because of that movie. I was standing there, holding hundreds of pamphlets, talking to all the customers who walked in. I was watching my self from the third person, I was thinking about my dream, about my desire to live in that time and fashion. I was thinking about my cause, I was think about my desires. I was watching my own lips move advertising gas discounts. I couldn't take it, I dropped the pamphlets and left. Where could I run to? I wanted to run all the way to south America. I have been given this choice of life so many times its not even funny. I never want to just run away I want to embrace something in me that screams of my real nature, some sort of ancestral past, I know it is something felt before! That primevil darkness underneath an enveloping green canopy, that is my home! "Let me go home!" my mind screams. and in those moments I almost do, I have had many,

I have directly faced the mountains in a summers night and turned away

I have faced the full moon in the chill of a springs night and turned away

I have faced the open fields before me in the night, turned away

I have gotten lost in the mountains before (I was 8 years old) and turned back

I have seen the trees before me leaves twisting in the wind, I turned away

I saw the gates before me, to get away from my problems, I never looked back

I have floated in the open ocean, and swam back

Well there is going to be a moment in my life where I am going to say "enough is enough!" and that's the way I would always want to do it, so that I could say,

I saw the jungle before me, I will never look back, I am HERE TO STAY.