Conflicted

I am concerned for my friend,  he is heading down a slippery slope.  His habit is not healthy and to be frank it has sucked the life out of him.  Just want to get that out there,  so I can have practice for talking to his parents or him. 

It's funny to think about the people I surround myself with.  It seems like a human predisposition to surround yourself with people that praise you,  or maybe that's just me.  Sometimes it's hard to confront my demons and sometimes it's not. surprisingly it is when I am my most eccentric and my ego is sweltering at record temperatures that I am best able to confront my sad truths.  It is at the peak of the roller coaster ride in my feelings that a missing piece of the track doesn't bother me,  I'm free to die at any time* I am at the crest of my wave and the sun is in my face instead of refracted in the ripples of my watery random thoughts. 


Right now it is not hard to confront my problems,  I feel something incredible is going to happen soon.  It's like that burning sensation I had when I turned my life around before,  and this time around I have gained the painful wisdom of experience, I am not getting knocked down this time.  I had a dream last night that was so incredible I was aloof all day,  my friend would talk to me and I would space out everything he was saying.  The dream was a lucid dream,  and my brain knows what kind of hell can be raised when this happens.  I kept imagining colors and objects that were so beautiful and abstract they could never exist in real life.  The colors had identities and feelings.  I could feel the colors;


 But not the way you feel them on psychedelics. 

No,  I felt them in a way that was highly complex.  Where one green could be mixed with a thousand different blues in a thousand different combinations and the frequency it would vibrate at would give it a kind of oscillation and free forming dimensionality.  This is the downright interesting part of the dream,  this is a part I might paint of many. 

No the strange part of my dream seemed like a face off with destiny,  the existence of which is debatable but I would stand to pose a theory that our lives are a self fulfilling prophecy, part of which is satisfied in our dreams. What happened in the dream reminds me of the quote "As you gaze into the Abyss,  so the Abyss gazes back into you." 

I was looking at a giant movie poster,  of my own face.  My hair was blowing in the wind and I felt detached to this personage.  Like it was my mental projection of myself and my true self was sitting outside of my body looking at what other people see when they see me.  In the picture my mustache was much thicker and it started turning upright into a Dali style.  As this happened my face turned into a grimacing smile and white letters bled into the foreground saying, "Coming soon to a theatre near you!"  Very strange,  strange that this came out of my mind.

Everything hinges on me making it to the summer,  I can do this.  This is the end of my post.  My posts can end at any time because writing for me is a healing process,  while painting is a process that makes me whole so it can never end.

*In this post I would like to leave an asterisk to show what point that the sadness I felt at the beginning of the post melted away. Strange that it happened from those simple words.