The Residue of smoke

I was smoking some tobacco just a moment ago and thought about where all the smoke goes after it dissipates in the air in front of me. The nicotine in the smoke supposedly floods the capillaries of my lungs and penetrates the deepest folds of my brain. Down to every neuron is affected by this drug. That is why I smoke it.

But that is a very small fraction of the smoke. All the charred remains of the tobacco leaf also leaves a fine residue on my lungs, throat, and even the nasal passages of my nose in the classic french inhale. But even all of this is still not the bulk of the smoke. I put a paper towel in front of the pipe as well and noticed the nice yellow pollutant it left on the paper towel. I should be disgusted by this, but to be frank I am intrigued. Intrigued as to what happens to all these "pollutants" of the world. I started to realize that all matter cannot be destroyed, fairly simple observation that we learn in our basic physical knowledge that we have been taught since we were children. Something unappreciated I feel. The smoke when left indoors can climb up the walls and ceiling and leave its residue on the drywall of any home or upholstery of any car. and outdoors can climb ever higher into the many levels of the atmosphere.

I started to realize that what we consider pollutants is what is detrimental to our health, the health of life itself, and this elusive concept of the earth. Of course to the earth it shouldn't be that much of a difference. Everything that is on the earth has been for a very long time. The earth is like this paper towel I held in my hand, collecting all the dust and debris of space. But the earth can never truly be "polluted" It is always changing, only when there is the precious self maintained faculties of life can that change ever be deemed detrimental.

Cleanliness is also a damn near impossible concept. There will always be grime, no matter how many times you clean a counter top there will be a residue of dirt, germs, or even soap and water. This is something that I am sure germophobes worry about every day. But it is not the presence of germs that frighten me. It is the concept of a closed system. As an American I feel like I have developed this unquenchable thirst for freedom. The concept of being contained within the confines of the universe is frightening. Supposing the universe was encased within a glass marble and lay on the floor of a persons house. Supposing the universe implodes, expends all energy and "dies" within that marble. Would it even be noticeable? What if the "god" who created this marble forgot about it, or never noticed its difference because the outside of the marble is left unscathed?

But I live under the assumption that things never need to be created, more like re-arranged. Size is such a relative thing, if you put an animal in an enclosure large enough to be unnoticeable it can live under the impression that its world is infinitely large, or at least large enough to survive and rest easy. It doesn't even have to be to that extreme, our earth is like this continent in a sea of space and life hasn't developed the means to swim. We don't have to be encased within a glass enclosure like gods many terrariums in his house of heaven. Or maybe even his only one. When we see the limits of the universe it could just be like the roaring waves that crash along our stellar shores. Seemingly impenetrable at least with the bodies we are born into.

Like any other primate we could probably fasten our tools to break this barrier but what exactly is the point again? Curiosity. A damn unique trait in the animal kingdom. Our curiosity can get us in trouble, but we were kind of born with trouble on our heads the day we entered the world. Death is always there. Sometimes sooner rather than latter. In the end we are left with the decision to either leave the confines of the cage or sit and rot in the splendor of our contentment of home.

I had a dream last night that I had a giant enclosure for some poison dart frogs of ridiculous proportions. I marveled at how large the dart frogs had gotten and realized they were the same ones I had before in my minuscule 20 gallon aquarium. I also noticed that there were very many dead frogs that had tried to escape the cage, some underneath the dark abyss created by my mind underneath the enclosure and some just splayed across the floor. I found this open frame of glass in the cage and realized how they had been escaping. Frantically I tried to place the pane of glass onto the cage and watched as the frogs started hopping out. Panicking I also realised that not all could be saved. I never thought about why the frogs would probably want to leave. It is in their nature to be these readily armed miniature poison critters in a world that is unfathomably big for human eyes. They want to hop around forever.

Perhaps we are much like this, trying to leave the glass enclosure. In theory we could receive two outcomes, one that we find somewhere better (heaven) or fail trying (hell) If this is the case than to me I have realised that if there is a god, and if he indeed has given us free will than he is a utilitarian. But a rather unique one. One that saves the frogs that loyally stay in the cage waiting for their master rather than the ones that leave. sounds much like the decisions I had made. Sounds pretty human.

I think if there was a god he would be dying to communicate with us, and the only thing that could stop it is this comprehensive language barrier. I also feel like if there is only one god he is unbelievably lonely. Who would be more lonely than a single entity only capable of loving his own creation which in all reality is a mirror image of himself. That is why I desire to be one of the frogs that tries to leave the cage, see whats out there and maybe find him. or at least the truth along the way. That's why the concept of children is also such a funny thing, it is like our insurance policy in case there is nothing out there. It seems like procreation was the best way for life to continue living even after it leaves hometree. Procreation is a way of exploration, at least if I don't find anything more suitable my children will. Life is like this traveling johnny Appleseed, dropping seeds along the way. My favorite book as a child and the only thing I can remember about him was his funny looking hat.

But of course if everything is fatalistic, than this whole theory can be thrown out the window. Of course we have slowly learned that it is not, because for one; a single flaw in fatalism would be catastrophic. and that on a small scale we can never truly control our children or the people around us. And Like I have said before size is very relative.

But in the end what will life be? This ember that burns until it is out leaving this fine residue of history on the fabric of space? But this is what I have been doing for the past half hour, burning a piece of life to spread its essence across this giant marble as the miasma of dust settles in an abandoned house. Waiting to be swept and collected again.