dreamscape imagery

I have been having so many weird dreams recently, and its getting. . . . . . . . hard. . . . . . . to differentiate. . . . . . . those dreams. . . . . . . from reality.

sorry for the pause folks the show will continue in 5 4 3 2 1. . . . . .

so anyways time for a rant. Good lord it is so awkward to run into a failed relationship with someone. I certainly have a knack for being a super romantic and a totally spacey asshole at the same time. I certainly have an ability for fucking up relationships (even friendships) royally. But to be frank I feel like they were not healthy relationships to begin with if I cannot fully be myself.

several disclaimers for my friends ( or has beens.):

I am very introverted, so at times I will *disappear* like a social magician.

I can seem ever so angry, mean, and hurtful in very subtle ways, such as cutting off all communication.

but In all honesty, I am a lost, disorganized, super sensitive (to a considerable flaw.) behemoth. I just want to know why I am here. A question that will likely never be answered, thus my epic struggle (mostly with myself.) I LOVE so many people, and life as well. All forms of it. Down to every microcosm, down to every shit loving maggot and up to every glorious stag ramming heads with its fellow stags for the prize of a lovely female. (sorry, got a little too epic there. tmi Dom, tmi. . . . . .) And up ever farther to the throbbing pulse that is life, rhythmically beating into the cosmos and circumventing everything that is the known universe.

and then there are the paranoid moments I have, where I feel like the pulse has to end. Or that we are so incredibly small, and life is just some flu virus jumping from planet to planet (cell to cell) and making some festooned giant incredibly sick. Just to spread to all the other glorious giants. Crazy thoughts of fatalism and paranoia. Crazy thoughts that we are just this crazy thought, imagined by a schizophrenic psycho in an insanity ward. I feel like some moments we will look up one day and realize the sky is this red and purple hued fire all contained under this blackened self inebriated hell. But these moments pass when i realized that if this is not true, the universe is far greater than that. So much more subtle in its ways, too confounding for the human mind and thus very entertaining to a wayfarer such as myself. Almost blissfull; a perfect world is one that I will never fully understand.

I keep thinking about what my good friend smiley said about the psychological definition of happiness (or was it beauty? is there a difference?) which was being content with the universe just as it is. mmmm. . . . what a beautiful definition that can easily be perverted. Like happiness is this vital drug that keeps us from realizing we are in this box, attached to machines in this matrix-like subliminal hole. but of course like the good movie tells us, if there are rules, they are meant to be broken. Or at least in a closed system there are always flaws. Because to me an ideal universe is one that is completely random, nothing ever stays the same (like this post, completely random hot garbage spilling forth from my fingertips.) but here is my ultimate question; does a random universe have to end? The most random result in a string of equations is that they come to an abrupt halt, without warning. Or would it be that they go on? Is life a repeating anomaly or one failing gasp of a dying creature? What kind of fossils will we leave? cigarettes and aerosol cans? Or giant skyscrapers and rocket ships? I have to pee so I leave the rest up to you.