I was watching a special by Steven Hawking about time travel and the universe. I was even super motivated to make an elaborate drawing afterwards. The depth of space and ambiguity of existence itself is so intensely fascinating to me.
But there is a different part of myself that is very dormant on the subject, trapped under shrouds of memory and anchored by a deep rooted fear. I have this moment once in a while, where I look up at the stars and run. I run and run and run. I run through every bit of my life, every thought about life and humanity. I feel like I knew more as a child than I will ever know now. Like I was born with the answers and slowly forgot them. Comfort was never a mystery to me.
After watching the mind bending special I was gifted with the more diminished taste of the movie dazed and confused. Every person in that movie seemed so happy. So normal. There was a time when I was normal. I feel more and more insane everyday. I worry about if there is other life in the universe, I think about how small we are. It is like one minute I am a true human being and realise that as a human there is only so much I can do. I remember I am only a living animal. Then there are moments when it seems like I have to take the weight of the universe on my shoulders, like all the suffering of life itself would somehow go unheeded if I did not at least acknowledge it. I think about if there was a god or any other life for that matter, what they would think of us.
The reasonable part of my mind feels like anything alien can be very, VERY, alien to us. cold and indifferent. Maybe they would even hate us. But the very emotion driven part of me can't help but wish that all things that we are told are noble as kids are as pure as we thought them to be. Like in all the stories we hear where love conquers all and there can never be anything else emotionally driven like us, that can love like us. I can't help but think that who could possibly find fault in the love between a mother and child, or the tears cried of a person who has no fault. By sheer luck they are left with these miserable lives. A tear cried for life is the most fragile and unique object in the universe. We have an explanation for life itself, for the universe. for anger, love, sex drive, happiness. All of these seem so necessary for any living organism.
But what is the biological significance of a tear?
This doesn't aid our survival, if anything it is very debilitating. What is the need for music? Humans can cry from a single song. When the universe throws all it can at a man, this egotistical, dominating creature; what does he do? He cries. Being a man means being brave, being a dog means being brave. Being a lion means being brave.
Which animals do we admire? The rabid ones or the compassionate ones? which trait is more rare?
Is the awful abyss of chaos and violent cataclysms of a hostile universe worth the creation of a single intrinsic green and blue gem?
Do we have to be the center of the universe? why? A god would be so comforting right now, but the concept of him causes me to feel so insignificant. I don't want to have a father in the heavens that doesn't in fact wonder as well. So he created a universe with ease, a god that doesn't live up to his potential I suppose. If I saw God I would ask him if he wanted to cry with me. Cry for the lack of inherent meaning for having the gift of intelligence. God will never have a higher power to serve or look to. God will never have anyone but himself. If he is there I will weep for him.
Ah if I was normal I could get my paper done without feeling the need to type this out. I will leave with this question; would you rather have the power to become infinitely small or infinitely large? What is the difference?
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ya, that is a great question. because if you are infinitely large, you can be everywhere at once, and if you are infinitely small you could still be everywhere at once, i would say there is no difference. and if you were infinitely small, everything would be large and out of our comprehension and we would be confused. and if we were infinitely large the small things would be out of our comprehension and we would be equally confused. i feel like there is no such thing as knowing everything. it wouldn't matter if we were infinitely large or small. we are infinitely large to some things already and same with infinitely small compared to other things. we are already infinitely large and small right now. it is all a matter of perspective. i would like to able to shrink and grow to infinity. and if i still didn't know how things worked i would give up. i would find somewhere i liked to be and live there till i die.
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