When I am weak

Sometimes it is just too much, the feelings welling up inside me. Not forming pressure to explode but rather deep incisions into my core. I look at the shadows cast by the people before me, so big to fill. But my true desire is not to fill them but to enrich them. I suppose it is only natural to look at another great person before you and feel this overwhelming desire to give them purpose. It is not death I am scared of but an empty life.

I feel a burning light inside me, seeping through the cracks like a molten storm. A bittersweet cacophony of sound saying one thing, "I will do things for the better." I built this shell to protect this gentle flame from the raging sea of disparity to give up. My greatest nightmare is that great people will go unnoticed, the voices of humanity will fall upon empty ears. If there could be just one stone left on an empty beach that could say "We were here." it would be a wealth beyond imagination to me. If I could just write into the sand and say "I exist." so that in one moment the bubbling froth of the ocean could acknowledge my presence with a faded wash back, it would complete me. We are possibly a part of the greatest nexus in the universe and we might not even know it.

Is this simply just my desire of being a man? That Something about life is vulnerable, that it needs to be protected and cherished. To be saved if I can so help it. Than please tell me now, it kills me to ever think that something so beautiful as life will be demolished in a geological second. But it is so ridiculously beyond my control, I feel like atlas some days. At least atlas knows he is doing something right.

Life it seems to me is like a giant tree, growing as fast as it can with all of it's might to one day burst forth with the flowers necessary to give life to the next generation. Is it on an island? will the seeds ever make it to newer more distant shores. I suppose everything goes onward, the dirt I will be buried in does not care if I am in it. It ultimately becomes a harsh reality, that the only things that care about you are the things that are similar to you. Perhaps I am just hungry for glory, perhaps I am just being a man again.

Flawed oh so beautifully flawed, a noble lion trapped in it's own courage. Like bars of fate I want to rip at them until my claws are dull. To be born a man is to be born a lover of life, a love so strong it slowly corrodes your insides until all that is left is but a frail exoskeleton of hope. A strong ideal sense of self worth coupled with a brute understanding of cost. Nothing is ever free until you allow it to be. How much did your birth into this world really cost you? was there something so great that we had before? To breath is to work and to work is to breath. When is the moment going to be that my full potential can be unleashed? I am tired of enjoying the simple pleasures they are simple for a reason, no matter what you can come back to them. There is too much energy combusting in my being to sleep it off. Fading like a dying star I feel my strength ebbing away. I think I have severely injured myself.

All this lack of sleep is causing me to hallucinate, This passion overwhelming. This body has seemed to take it well before, I can only hope it continues to. As long as I am breathing I will fight to have a purpose, as long as I can move my hands I will paint for the lost voices of time. Each sentence, every word is a fight for life. Pushing and shoving forward until that voice inside me can tell me that I have done well. That is why I must not sleep tonight, that is why I must never break until the job is done. I have work in 6 hours and counting, in six hours I must sit and think about wanting to do something and be trapped behind a counter that says I must do nothing.

Money is just not quite as satisfying as a good pat on the back. Fuck this moment in time, I hope it passes quickly. I hope those people are enjoying their food because it is crushing my spirit. I must go on, I never want to be able to say ,"if could have done _____." fuck money. Observe; this is when I am weak.