you don't have to

Another night of studying and I have to get my thoughts into words or I will die with them in a sea of paperwork.

It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice. There are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia. ~Frank Zappa

I love Zappa,  he is like my Uncle Erny,  optimistic,  intelligent and down right silly.









How true that is,  nostalgia is a silent killer of progress and it is more infectious than any virus.  It comes from the inside,  and I would liken it to cancer.  All my ties to home are like a tumor that needs to be abscessed.  Cruel words,  Cruel words from a not nearly as serious or cruel man.  Obviously the love is there in space but it shouldn't be weighed by time.

But let me digress from all this bullshit,  it is my strongest appeal and allure.  I try to bounce, the sentences,  around,  so it seems like,  I am actually talking to you.  and I really am! I am actually shouting in your ear,  I am actually stepping on your toes.  Soooo. . . . . . .Onto the heart of the matter;

My current feelings:
Frustration,  but of a sympathetic kind.
Pessimism
and finally nostalgia.


I have frustration and an almost fascination with people who avoid sentimentality.  I am actually not a very sentimental guy,  I express my thoughts sentimentally to give them weight and truth.  How I feel about most things is usually never how they actually are,  so if I expressed my true sentiments,  which I sometimes do; it seems so deceitful and therein lies my humor.  Humor is psychologically defined as a violation of your expectations,  a somewhat cold and sterile approach I suppose,  but effective for the masses all the same.  If I give my true feelings about a piece of furniture and tell how it reminds me of old dishrags and sweaty maids,  the result (9 times out of 10,  and 10 times out of 9) will be laughter.  This is easy,  to make someone laugh you have to give them the impression you are breaking the rules but at the same time indicate you are nervous to what the people around you are thinking.  It's a delicate process,  easily shattered and easily manipulated.  However the best way to manipulate people is to be so effective that we manipulate ourselves,  so I am not frightened by manipulation.  I wish we could be better at it,  so the game could be more fun.  Of course if and only if the game hurts just a little rather than a lot.

So I have given two thesis for what makes me who I am;  unsentimental,  but honest.  Which is a bit of a paradox as personalities can be this way.   Thus the personality traits have been fused into one,  hypocrisy.  I find being called a hypocrite is a compliment,  it is the most effective approach to avoiding the stagnation of routine and decision making.  However I also indirectly have shown another part of my personality,  my dissecting nature.  Whether or not I have the knowledge to back it up is always thrown onto the table,  but effectively I have never paid heed to knowledge as the great decider of what makes a person a genius.  It is all the attitude,  A person can speculate about what is underground all they want,  it is the adventurous spirit that digs up the soil and uncovers those hidden worlds.  No my friends Knowledge is what you display at dinner parties when somebody mentions a subject you know about.  Wisedom is something we all get for free but it comes at a time when nobody will listen to you.  Intelligence is something we are born with but is something we must slowly destroy to fit into society.  Logic is where the genius reigns supreme,  but it is a monarchy,  the only way we can expand logic is war and every thought of every minute is a war for me.  You can teach me and I can teach you,  but when will we all learn?  Paradigm shifts require vast remodeling of the public concious,  a real tedious process which requires interpreters.  Luckily we come from many lines of organisms that self organize. 

I'm done,  coffee is brewing and I need to finish my streak of 3 nights without sleep.