Fighting the good fight alone: Memoirs of a christian born Atheist.

So how does it feel to be an atheist? Not many people ask this question, neither do they wonder how it feels to be an agnostic either. It is kind of like wondering what it would be like to be a virgin your whole life. being a virgin your whole life is quite admirable but unnecessarily hard, painful (that's what she said?), and you will have no heir to really admire your feat. Many people however ponder what it is like to be a Christian. Experiencing god is the greatest thing that can happen to any human being, atheists are in fact the purists of today. Sure way back when being christian was mighty hard, but now that people have taken their own interpretation of the bible, church, etc. . . . turning it into a social get together for mental orgasms, I'm going to say that being a christian in America today is incredibly easy. Take a look at the modern christian family, husband wife and 2.5 children. They own two cars and go to church every Sunday. The kids get to go on expensive retreats and go snowboarding (regional). Of course these are monstrous generalities but in a utilitarian sense, this is Christianity. Generalities have to come from somewhere, perhaps simple observation?



But in a strictly personal sense, for any one human being on earth, the greatest thing they can experience in their life is God. How do I know this? Every person that does tells me about it, I even felt the same feeling and any person who says this was a false feeling can take a look in the mirror when they lose their “faith.” So Atheism is in fact, incredibly, incredibly hard. We have to face the grand specter of the universe by ourselves, we have to face the horrible fact of death by ourselves, we have no metaphysical perfect being to turn to but a “flawed” human as you guys like to call them. And I'm sorry but to have faith in a god and say that humans are not flawed because of that faith is absolutely absurd. But there are plenty who do not like the accusing finger, I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that all humans don't appreciate accusation no matter how many cheeks they can turn. So you guys can go on with the mental Ecstasy of comfort, marvel at your uniqueness and feel the comfort reserved for a child of being held in the palm of a giant. Take the joy ride and never come back, I don't blame you, go! Go! Go! There is nothing you can lose and so much you can gain. Oh wait, I forgot about hell. Which by the way I would have to say would be so worth it to just catch a glimpse of this elusive god. But to reach the point I was trying to make is Faith, pure blind faith is like heroin. Screw the everlasting water of life that jesus promised. What he actually meant was that you will have a syringe forever stuck into your veins pumping jubilant waves of happiness obliterating any care or reason you ever held. What? Blasphemy you say? Wait until you are on that expensive American deathbed of yours and watch god dance before you like the cohesive particles of your morphine drip. (I am making a lot of “you” statements aren't I?)


Time for me to point the finger back at myself, because that is essentially what an atheist is capable of. Blame. There have been plenty of bad turns of events in my life where I would have loved to point at the sky and say, “Thanks a lot you old fuck!” I am super ignorant, I feel like every moment I learn new things I become more and more confused. I as a human being am scared, petrified by my own existence. I have new found paranoia from far too many trips. I find myself afraid in my mind of so many things at once, there are moments when I think that existence itself is some perversion for something evil. The concept of god seems like an inescapable box, I feel no freedom, I need air! When you yourself are left to your decisions about the universe optimism and pessimism are in a constant battle, both being just as valid as the other. If it is valid there is a heaven it is very valid that there is a hell. If it is valid that we are programmed to exist than it is valid that we could be trapped inside our minds. I feel reality bending before me, every thought, every action I have ever had could be leading up to something incredibly horrible. A horrific realization that my whole life was a sham, a dream, something thought up in somebody Else's head (god) Everything I ever wrote, painted, or believed was a lie. This my friends is the product of growing up in a Christian household, Everything I feel like I accomplish know or do is on borrowed life. I am a wretched “sinner” and I was born a sinner. Not very fair at all I might say. Lets stop calling the sinners “sinners” and just come out with it and call them “slaves” We were born slaves to this god. And now I am starting to turn my pointed finger away.


An atheist like any Christian should never be taken too literally, just like any human shouldn't as well. Which is funny to say because quite literally humans are taken quite literally by the literal text that explains a literal god who spoke existence into being; quite literally. Say that ten times fast, or maybe not, you never know what universe or deity might spring out of your mouth. Atheists take the journey alone, atheists actually let their mind be consumed by the fury that is doubt. Oh Thank god for doubt (hahaha) because without doubt there would be no mystery to the world or the universe. Why introduce a child to a world that is already explained? Torment future generations with the concept that nothing they could ever do is revealing anything or new and exciting. Or wait, have we already been doing that? Apparently life was already figured out 2 thousand years ago and everything we could every do now has no meaning in retrospect. And wait, isn't 2 thousand years ago not that long for a faith to falter? We have convicting faith that the dinosaurs existed and that was so many millennia ago it is incomprehensible. Where did their souls go? Or are we imperfect humans the only true living beings on the planet? If everything was in the garden of eden where is the lumbering T-rex or the brontosaurus? Could those fossils we see in fact be from that sacred paradise? Did Adam have a tapeworm? And did he name it? Or would a tapeworm not be able to exist because that would cause Adam such displeasure? No flu virus or common cold? Behold I have found a creature that did not exist in the garden of eden!!!! An Atheist recognizes that every living thing must feed on another and they also must face this on their own. We can't pray for a cure for our cancer, we must simply endure it and savor our moments of being alive. We must face death and accept it. Never ever tell me that atheism is a cop out. I can name things that suit that word far better. Of course just because it's easy doesn't mean it's true, just because it's hard doesn't mean it is either. Just because you see it doesn't mean it is there, just because you think it doesn't mean it is there either. Just because you feel it doesn't mean it is there, just because you can't doesn't mean it is absent. If there is a god we cannot think him up, if there isn't we can't prove to everyone that he is not there. What would it mean to find chaos? Is it sitting in a box? Where is our Pandora to open it? Just because nothing is fully proven doesn't mean you should make your own conclusions, we can only take the best possible odds. To me god is innocent until proven guilty. Take the first step towards thinking for yourself and question this post, question authority, question fact, question not in hopes of getting an answer but because you can admit that you don't truly know anything.
And marvel at the mystery that is existence on the way.

Gravity is our walls

Do humans really want freedom? It is usually under duress that we perform our greatest, it is at the precipice that we change. If we had an infinite amount of time to do something, would we even feel the desire to do it? If there was no pressure at all, to make anything good or bad in the eyes of our fellow man, would we feel the need to put our greatest effort into it? What is better, throwing paint in the air or putting it into a square? Even if you were to take a picture of chaos it would be contained within a photograph.

We are similar with knowledge, anything we can capture, test and examine within the controls of the laboratory is what we consider our greatest truth. Knowledge is something we can contain within our minds, that works best when it is wrapped up in the folds of our cortex. Knowledge makes the most sense to us when there are rules and constants. That way we can forget about every question that comes with every answer. It is a rule, a conclusion that we settle upon. Believing in fact is the moment when our brains are the most naïve. Much like religion, simple concrete formulations we make about the extremities and unfathomable depths of the unknown. A simple statement that the universe is not shrouded in smoke, it is the smoke. Its like humans want to rule the universe and most animals want to rule over each other. But freedom itself is my question for the day;


I had a moment in my life where I felt like I probably knew more then than I did now and it was when I was around the age of kindergarten. I found a small crayfish amongst a maze of rocks sitting in a shallow stream. I eventually took out all of the rocks and formed a small box around it. A girl then said to me, “he doesn't want to be in a box.” and then I said, “well what if he has unlimited food and water, everything he needs to survive?” and the conversation never really went anywhere from there as far as I know, probably some name calling I would assume like poo poo head and big meanie. Because that's what children really do right? I love sarcasm it is like the tension of a bow, drawn back to simulate a meaning behind the words, and a preemptive demonstration of what is going to happen next. But I better not get off on any tangents again.

So what if we in fact are in such a box, a box that is perfect for us in nature and maybe even keeps us from being obliterated in the outside world. Like fish in a tank, we are protected by our atmosphere. Our little vivarium all neatly condensed in a sphere held by gravity. Is freedom then really that desirable? I mean I suppose the only way to break free would be to exit a rocket ship in space and suffocate to death, without a spacesuit of course which is a protective box as well. Like I said in my last post it is like we are on this continent with the ocean separating us from the rest of the universe. This is a common theme in my life now, I wonder why? What is it exactly that we desire to have ruling the universe? Order or chaos?

dreamscape imagery

I have been having so many weird dreams recently, and its getting. . . . . . . . hard. . . . . . . to differentiate. . . . . . . those dreams. . . . . . . from reality.

sorry for the pause folks the show will continue in 5 4 3 2 1. . . . . .

so anyways time for a rant. Good lord it is so awkward to run into a failed relationship with someone. I certainly have a knack for being a super romantic and a totally spacey asshole at the same time. I certainly have an ability for fucking up relationships (even friendships) royally. But to be frank I feel like they were not healthy relationships to begin with if I cannot fully be myself.

several disclaimers for my friends ( or has beens.):

I am very introverted, so at times I will *disappear* like a social magician.

I can seem ever so angry, mean, and hurtful in very subtle ways, such as cutting off all communication.

but In all honesty, I am a lost, disorganized, super sensitive (to a considerable flaw.) behemoth. I just want to know why I am here. A question that will likely never be answered, thus my epic struggle (mostly with myself.) I LOVE so many people, and life as well. All forms of it. Down to every microcosm, down to every shit loving maggot and up to every glorious stag ramming heads with its fellow stags for the prize of a lovely female. (sorry, got a little too epic there. tmi Dom, tmi. . . . . .) And up ever farther to the throbbing pulse that is life, rhythmically beating into the cosmos and circumventing everything that is the known universe.

and then there are the paranoid moments I have, where I feel like the pulse has to end. Or that we are so incredibly small, and life is just some flu virus jumping from planet to planet (cell to cell) and making some festooned giant incredibly sick. Just to spread to all the other glorious giants. Crazy thoughts of fatalism and paranoia. Crazy thoughts that we are just this crazy thought, imagined by a schizophrenic psycho in an insanity ward. I feel like some moments we will look up one day and realize the sky is this red and purple hued fire all contained under this blackened self inebriated hell. But these moments pass when i realized that if this is not true, the universe is far greater than that. So much more subtle in its ways, too confounding for the human mind and thus very entertaining to a wayfarer such as myself. Almost blissfull; a perfect world is one that I will never fully understand.

I keep thinking about what my good friend smiley said about the psychological definition of happiness (or was it beauty? is there a difference?) which was being content with the universe just as it is. mmmm. . . . what a beautiful definition that can easily be perverted. Like happiness is this vital drug that keeps us from realizing we are in this box, attached to machines in this matrix-like subliminal hole. but of course like the good movie tells us, if there are rules, they are meant to be broken. Or at least in a closed system there are always flaws. Because to me an ideal universe is one that is completely random, nothing ever stays the same (like this post, completely random hot garbage spilling forth from my fingertips.) but here is my ultimate question; does a random universe have to end? The most random result in a string of equations is that they come to an abrupt halt, without warning. Or would it be that they go on? Is life a repeating anomaly or one failing gasp of a dying creature? What kind of fossils will we leave? cigarettes and aerosol cans? Or giant skyscrapers and rocket ships? I have to pee so I leave the rest up to you.

The Residue of smoke

I was smoking some tobacco just a moment ago and thought about where all the smoke goes after it dissipates in the air in front of me. The nicotine in the smoke supposedly floods the capillaries of my lungs and penetrates the deepest folds of my brain. Down to every neuron is affected by this drug. That is why I smoke it.

But that is a very small fraction of the smoke. All the charred remains of the tobacco leaf also leaves a fine residue on my lungs, throat, and even the nasal passages of my nose in the classic french inhale. But even all of this is still not the bulk of the smoke. I put a paper towel in front of the pipe as well and noticed the nice yellow pollutant it left on the paper towel. I should be disgusted by this, but to be frank I am intrigued. Intrigued as to what happens to all these "pollutants" of the world. I started to realize that all matter cannot be destroyed, fairly simple observation that we learn in our basic physical knowledge that we have been taught since we were children. Something unappreciated I feel. The smoke when left indoors can climb up the walls and ceiling and leave its residue on the drywall of any home or upholstery of any car. and outdoors can climb ever higher into the many levels of the atmosphere.

I started to realize that what we consider pollutants is what is detrimental to our health, the health of life itself, and this elusive concept of the earth. Of course to the earth it shouldn't be that much of a difference. Everything that is on the earth has been for a very long time. The earth is like this paper towel I held in my hand, collecting all the dust and debris of space. But the earth can never truly be "polluted" It is always changing, only when there is the precious self maintained faculties of life can that change ever be deemed detrimental.

Cleanliness is also a damn near impossible concept. There will always be grime, no matter how many times you clean a counter top there will be a residue of dirt, germs, or even soap and water. This is something that I am sure germophobes worry about every day. But it is not the presence of germs that frighten me. It is the concept of a closed system. As an American I feel like I have developed this unquenchable thirst for freedom. The concept of being contained within the confines of the universe is frightening. Supposing the universe was encased within a glass marble and lay on the floor of a persons house. Supposing the universe implodes, expends all energy and "dies" within that marble. Would it even be noticeable? What if the "god" who created this marble forgot about it, or never noticed its difference because the outside of the marble is left unscathed?

But I live under the assumption that things never need to be created, more like re-arranged. Size is such a relative thing, if you put an animal in an enclosure large enough to be unnoticeable it can live under the impression that its world is infinitely large, or at least large enough to survive and rest easy. It doesn't even have to be to that extreme, our earth is like this continent in a sea of space and life hasn't developed the means to swim. We don't have to be encased within a glass enclosure like gods many terrariums in his house of heaven. Or maybe even his only one. When we see the limits of the universe it could just be like the roaring waves that crash along our stellar shores. Seemingly impenetrable at least with the bodies we are born into.

Like any other primate we could probably fasten our tools to break this barrier but what exactly is the point again? Curiosity. A damn unique trait in the animal kingdom. Our curiosity can get us in trouble, but we were kind of born with trouble on our heads the day we entered the world. Death is always there. Sometimes sooner rather than latter. In the end we are left with the decision to either leave the confines of the cage or sit and rot in the splendor of our contentment of home.

I had a dream last night that I had a giant enclosure for some poison dart frogs of ridiculous proportions. I marveled at how large the dart frogs had gotten and realized they were the same ones I had before in my minuscule 20 gallon aquarium. I also noticed that there were very many dead frogs that had tried to escape the cage, some underneath the dark abyss created by my mind underneath the enclosure and some just splayed across the floor. I found this open frame of glass in the cage and realized how they had been escaping. Frantically I tried to place the pane of glass onto the cage and watched as the frogs started hopping out. Panicking I also realised that not all could be saved. I never thought about why the frogs would probably want to leave. It is in their nature to be these readily armed miniature poison critters in a world that is unfathomably big for human eyes. They want to hop around forever.

Perhaps we are much like this, trying to leave the glass enclosure. In theory we could receive two outcomes, one that we find somewhere better (heaven) or fail trying (hell) If this is the case than to me I have realised that if there is a god, and if he indeed has given us free will than he is a utilitarian. But a rather unique one. One that saves the frogs that loyally stay in the cage waiting for their master rather than the ones that leave. sounds much like the decisions I had made. Sounds pretty human.

I think if there was a god he would be dying to communicate with us, and the only thing that could stop it is this comprehensive language barrier. I also feel like if there is only one god he is unbelievably lonely. Who would be more lonely than a single entity only capable of loving his own creation which in all reality is a mirror image of himself. That is why I desire to be one of the frogs that tries to leave the cage, see whats out there and maybe find him. or at least the truth along the way. That's why the concept of children is also such a funny thing, it is like our insurance policy in case there is nothing out there. It seems like procreation was the best way for life to continue living even after it leaves hometree. Procreation is a way of exploration, at least if I don't find anything more suitable my children will. Life is like this traveling johnny Appleseed, dropping seeds along the way. My favorite book as a child and the only thing I can remember about him was his funny looking hat.

But of course if everything is fatalistic, than this whole theory can be thrown out the window. Of course we have slowly learned that it is not, because for one; a single flaw in fatalism would be catastrophic. and that on a small scale we can never truly control our children or the people around us. And Like I have said before size is very relative.

But in the end what will life be? This ember that burns until it is out leaving this fine residue of history on the fabric of space? But this is what I have been doing for the past half hour, burning a piece of life to spread its essence across this giant marble as the miasma of dust settles in an abandoned house. Waiting to be swept and collected again.

The burdon of forgiveness

I heard you hate my guts, I am not surprised. I have earned many things that are coming to me many times over. I heard you think I am an asshole; I only have one thing to say to that. I never chose to become this way. It wasn't easy. Every person has their breaking point, its safe to assume that I don't have one anymore. I was slowly molded into this cynic from years of being pushed and prodded that way. One can't ignore a festering splinter for long. I heard that I am supposed to find god in you, but I already see it. I already see how much he has affected everyone in my life. It makes me sick. I can see disillusionment growing like a plague. Does it matter?

Was I truly seeing the light when I wanted to remedy the world, do what I could for humanity? See the good in humanity?

According to you.

Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for me is whats good for you? Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for us is whats good for man? Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for Christianity is whats good for society? And eventually what is good for society, is good for me. At least it is now.

Little things I tend to notice here and there, but I have already said this. Already reached the same conclusions. The next step after finding the truth is telling it right? But not everyone accepts the truth, just like how not everyone accepts a lie. At first. A person has to be convinced, tricked into a moment of changed perspective. That itself, is a lie. It is a lie to believe that when something is written down it is fact. History has been tampered with before, and continues to be. The winners dictate history, and tell it to our children.

Just because you are the first sheep in line for the slaughter, doesn't mean you know truth. Just because every other rat is enjoying the d-con, doesn't mean you should as well. And even when you find that vital truth, it doesn't mean that anyone else will want to hear it. I could say it is people like you that make me not want to bring a child into this world, just as well as you could look at me and think the same thing. Ugly cynics.

I could say you are the asshole, for being so subtle. Never telling me how much my presence truly disgusts you. Give me your truth and I will regard it as a delicate snowflake. The most daring move a person can make; To bear their souls before another. Oh it is rare, but perhaps I can wait for that delicate moment with a stronger heart; so my past doesn't crush the fragile essence of such an innocent gesture under its recumbent weight.

I could say the future is hopeless, but that would be just a blink in comparison to the next moment I can think. My emotions can be a raging foreboding sea, swelling up inside of me. but they are just that, contained inside the safety of my head. When the decision for action comes;

will I be awake?

Or will I be asleep?

But these are not the things that we should think.

So what am I worth?

Worth is something I contemplate often. I suppose the question is; when will I be able to say, "I accomplished _______." So suppose I ate a bowl of breakfast this morning, wheaties for what its worth.

Could I wake up a champion?

No, because I have to eat. it is in my nature, which I never chose to have. I could have ate captain crunch. I suppose that is my choice right? But did I buy the captain crunch? or even if I did, did I make it? No I bought it. Well I suppose then the captain crunch I receive from the handy dandy grocery store is from the fruits of my labors. But I am not the farmer that births the fruit, I am the slave that picks it for the petty handout of the farmer. Does the farmer command the sun to shine on his crops? Even the farmer is a slave. So down to the milk I pour into the bowl from which I eat in the morning I can claim nothing as mine, and guess what?

neither can you.

Nobody can own the land either, once they die the land will own them and provide the necessary nutrients to raise crops for the next land grabbing humanoid. No single person can say, " i saved humanity." because supposing they truly did (albeit improbable) it was actually their parents who saved humanity when they decided to not wear a condom in the mens room at the local bar. No single species can say,"we are divine." because according to every single crazy religion and trusty science we are all born from something. Be it gods magic wand or Homo erectus, no one species is above another. We need to eat the cows, so shouldn't we give them grass? Go ahead and bite the hand that feeds you, just feed the body that eventually bites you. Circle of life, Lion king 101.

So what conclusion can be reached here? We have no choice, we have no fate (because fate utimately is a choice. Think about it, use those synapses.) We are not divine or above anything, we have needs, because all things decay. We don't know why but if we did I suppose we could have the power to become everlasting robots. sounds good I suppose.

Or we can do another thing, something we have been taught our whole childhood. become above ourselves and instead of seeing the why of existence as a way to gain power or prove that some "god" deserves more (as if he needed it.) see it as the answer to the question you asked when you were born, "what is this light world around me?" My educated guess is that we are here because we can be, not because we should.

If there is an afterlife then life on earth is my vacation from it. I hope somebody took photos.

The absent minded tripper

So I just realized I had been in this late start class for the past month now and never knew it. I am so absent minded it is dangerous, and a little hilarious. I am in the middle of doing this paper for a class in which the teacher had us sign for our topics and due dates. I wrote down my due date but not my topic. I usually don't even write this stuff down but I saw the girl next to me write it down and thought,

"hey I usually forget this stuff so I should probably write down the due date as well. "

Didn't even think about writing down the topic at all. I then realized the night before it was due that I had no idea what I was supposed to do except for one thing, it had something to do with emotion. So now I will write about emotions and back it up with a primary source. That is assuming I make it through the night, without giving into this inviting dream world creeping down my eyelids. Sleep is the greatest temptation I have that almost always grants me immediate repercussions. I only remember closing my eyes once and now I slept my way through college. Forgetting that I had an English class until a month into the semester and Forgetting the very topic of my paper.

can the grade recover from this? very likely yes. will the teacher forget about this blunder? perhaps. will I eventually forget all this happened when I walk away with the mediocre C? Yes. But I don't want to deal with the stress along the way, why can't I just close my eyes and wake up at the end of the semester? Why can't I close my eyes and wake up when I have graduated? Am I already sleeping? Am I dreaming and when I am on my deathbed I wake up to realize I had gone though my life in a blur and I only had my eyes set in one direction? regardless of the moments I experience in the now I will soon be looking back at them as faded memories. Was I happy overall, had I lived a good life, done what I could? Would everyone watch the slideshow of my life playing to the song time of your life by greenday? Or would they walk out.

I am always living the dream and forgetting it along the way. I am always letting my eyes close when I want to live and run for all I am worth. Always taking the drugs to return to my point of stasis. Always doing what I want and not what could sometimes be good for me. I work more than I go to school, I care more about school than work, and at the moment I care more about what I am going to say to this bi-sexual girl-out-of-my-league tomorrow than this paper that I failed before I was even assigned it. typical guy, I only want one thing right? I wish it was that easy, I really do. But I am this mindfucked nomad on an alien planet, navigating by the stars inside this gurgling, confused mass of emotions. But I can't reveal that on the first date of course, gotta be the smooth jester for these bloodthirsty mantids.