Fire and those thoughts that it brings out

I made a fire tonight in my firepit on the back porch. I brought out the guitar getting ready for some good old kum bai yah style moments, but by myself. It actually turned into a lot more discomfort than I expected. The fire started up right away. But the wind was blowing in my direction no matter where I sat it seemed, so I just stayed in one spot. I think I could have filled a bucket with tears by the time I was done.

I sat there playing and the smoke of the fire was collecting in my eye sockets constantly without any mercy. I decided to just squeeze my eyes shut and play on. The smoke also was contantly blowing in my nostrils and in my lungs. So I was in some minor pain. But I so enjoy fires so I was conflicted. I played for a while and than I got to my favorite song. that was the only point where I wasn't sure if it was smoke tears or real tears; but it felt good to just play into the song squeezing my eyes shut and putting my right ear closer and closer to the guitar as if that made it sound better in my ear. and than I felt that feeling I get all the time. Like somehow I was connected to someone. This was around 10 or 9 o clock not sure. But I always feel like my eyes are cameras in my life. Like sometimes people have the opportunity to look through my eyes in some moments. This can be people I know or sometimes I have no idea. But I have caught myself before, trying to explain why I did something to the "t.v. audience" in my head you could say.

But the feeling I get when I am playing music is different. It only happens when I play music. The best way to describe it is an extreme emotional connection or spiritual if you must. but man do I feel it. and I feel it all the time when I am playing songs. It is like the cry of the spirit or cry of the lonely; which is how I describe it. but it really feels like in that moment you are connected to someone. If there is any sign of god that could be it. It makes me want to play harder, to really invest my soul into the guitar itself, into the notes. I see a lot of things visually and when I think of a song I think of my hand in the position for it. The pattern it makes on the neck. It is like the music has so much more meaning to me than what I hear. I see my favorite songs as well. and feel them. I am going to go off on a tangent here but here is what I think of when I listen to the songs nothing else matters and the unforgiven by metallica. These are really personal to me and have major significance,

It starts out with Me and my friend Keenan. We are living our normal lives in modern day like normal. I think disaster strikes while we are riding bikes and than a car hits Keenan. He is in pain on the ground and I rush to him and as I hover over him something like an atomic bomb goes off and everything goes white.

We wake up in a grassy field in the middle of the night. The grass is deep. We start to find out there is no one left on earth through the years. Except one day we find two girls. I cannot quite remember but his girl has blond hair and mine has brown hair. Throughout the whole story (that I realise now) it is always night it seems. We become friends with the girls and eventually start families. I just remember intense day dreams when I was listening to the song of me and my girl running through the grassy field at night and going through forests and back to fields. Now that I think about it she has wavy hair.

but anyways we start families and (now I realise, but when I was imagining it with the song I didn't notice but we never grew old or died) somehow me and keenan become enemies through time. Him and I start having these little wars out of spite and this is where the song picks up and hits its apex. I just remember these were also intense visuals of him commanding at the back of the battle field looking at me with his girl by his side and me doing the same. Until I win a battle one day and kill keenan. I suddenly realise one of my "troops" aka sons, kill him and I go beserk, run up, and club him in the back of the head in anger. Because I realised I did not want to kill keenan. I rush to keenans side like at the car crash and the end of the song comes where the lyrics go, "and they call them the unforgivable" (give or take those lyrics might be wrong.) and suddenly the story rushes back to modern day and Keenan is on the ground on the street and he smiles before he dies. Of course I cry and it ends.

I just remember I would listen to those two songs and engage this story over and over again on road trips at night coming back from wyoming. I remember it was almost like a dream it was so enveloping and I enjoyed it so much that I looked forward to those songs. That is one of the reasons why I felt so alive in that stage of my life. It was middle school. Thats what I meant when I said, "I didn't want to grow up because I felt so right and I never wanted to be like the grown ups and be wrong." Like what i said in my latter postings.

and now I never experience the same thing with my music now. Kind of a dissapointment. hence the drugs. but they could never compare to those songs. and actually as I type this I want to go listen to them. but anyways I finish playing guitar because there are tears streaming down my face and my fingers are numb so it sounds like shit. I sit there and watch the fire go out and I start asking those questions that I used to ask so much, Is there a meaning to life? Are we just animals? Not literally animals but figurativily like we do things only to satisfy desires and maintain ourselves. and those desires change keep in mind. I mean all desires selfish or selfless. but than I realise what I realised at the end of my lonliness this year. Those 5 months in isolation. (and I am not trying to sound overly dramatic here, keep in mind this is personal things, for me I feel that isolation can very necessary to find out what you truly want. It was hell but I love hell remember?) That our meaning is what we choose, we have a meaning because we choose to*That was the moment where I remembered my philosophy going into this year, and I knew I was ready to go into the descent of thoughts again.

I also want to explain why I sometimes prefer sadness over happiness. It is because the highest point of my life, the greatest vibrant* peak of emotion I have had is in sadness. So those moments are the only ones that mean something to me. and they happen a lot. Sadness also seems to be the emotion that tends to lie less than the others (notice I say less than with no ultimatum). and knowing me truth is a big thing for me, because it leads to my favorite thing; discovery. This is true because happiness is something we desire. And just like anything we desire as humans we are willing to lie to get to it. Although sometimes we can lie to get to sadness, although I have noticed it is only for attention. You have seen these people, since birth people do this; little kids sometimes just cry to get attention from their mothers. My old friends cut themselves for attention. teenagers in general do. and to an even more disgusting level people do it in traumatic situations. These attention whores bring drama upon themselves for the compassion of others. and I hate to admit it but I am no better. I have done the same. I was disgusted with myself every time but I could live a lie pretty well. But that also made me very good at finding those kid of people.

Please do not tell anyone this but I have seen this in something that THOROUGHLY DISGUSTS me. Ryan Baileys death. People leech off of this like no other. and I could have almost puked when I saw it. I will not name who but man I am thoroughly disgusted with this person. Who gets on the internet and constantly sees the approval and sympathies of others. Who brags about how many hours he/she has not slept because of what happened. Who told me after the service, " did you see that? I started that theme that everyone was using. did you hear my speech?" All I hear from that is, "look I am the star. His death made me a star." that is absolutley disgusting. and I have watched this person behave like this since the moment I met him/her.

But there is much more lies in happiness than in sadness and that occures because of this thing called your conscience. When a person lies about their sadness they think deep inside of how pathetic they are and how lonly they are to want this attention. They truly do feel sadness but not in a way that people will be simpathetic to. and thats why I do not say anything to the attention whores. I just give them what they need.

I enjoy sadness because that is what teaches us the most lessons. and I love learning (about most things ;).) there is so much more that can be salvaged from sadness than happiness. But I will not say that is entirely true. Because some great things can be brought from happiness they just havent happened to me yet. The thing that I have learned in life is that is that you have to love desire itself, not the thing that you are desiring.


* (I wrote this down before I would forget it) Are we primal or are we more? or to delve further do we have a meaning or do we not? what is our meaning if we do? Our meaning is what we choose, We have a meaning because we choose to.

* I chose the word vibrant here because it was the best word to use because any other one represents happiness. Im not trying to infringe on your vibrancy theme.