Although I so strongly desire to leave this place, to see the world/inherit the earth. Although I believe I will be happiest in these places of my childhood dreams, there is a monster in the back of my mind. Oh damn my intellect! For every desire there is a swarm of thoughts, of logic that tells me otherwise. Like I said, is it wiser to ignore certain emotions (desires) or is it wiser to understand them. I have imagined what I will do when I get to Hawaii over and over again, I have imagined what I would do when I go to California again. I would burst out of whatever doors I would be behind, and run fully clothed into the ocean. I would do a full blown jump and belly flop/dive into the next cascading wave. I always imagine the biggest wave I experienced during my visit to the ocean. I want something that will crash onto me with all the collected power of the ocean.
The ocean is such an amazing concept. It is hard for me to describe what it is like to not experience a wave until you can fully appreciate it. The best way to describe it is a push from god. Not in a cheesey, hes calling me kind of way. It is like raw power. Like the force of a whole world (which it quite literally is.) pushing you back. It is like god plunged his fist into the water on the other side of the world and you are just feeling the miniscule leftover remnants of the vast amount of water mass that was moved. Just the fringe of something powerful. But I am just describing what its like not what it is. I have no idea what would happen if god felt the desire to do such.
Another thing about the ocean is how it is ever replenishing, the sand washes over itself in such a fast process it just baffles my mind. It is ridiculous, I am not sure if you have done the same thing I have but in my mad crazy search for sea shells I sometimes carry too much to handle and some of my most favorite ones will fall into the water. And man! does the sand and waves swallow that object fast! Your chances for finding that thing go down dramatically in a matter of milliseconds. I have never reclaimed any object I have lost to the sea. I also love how if I stand still in the part where the ocean and sand are relatively equal, my elevation sinks slighty every wave. Than my feet get buried at the same rate. the first time I felt this I fell over. It was too strange, But it soon turned to simply amazing.
But as great as the world is; as easy as it is to fall in love with it. there is a small part of the world that we sometimes take for granted, or have no idea about. It is the people. Now I say this is a small part because that is mostly my personal opinion. But think about it.......
what do we go through more in our lives, people or places? (stay out of this one flight attendants! even so there are hundreds of people on an airplane going to one place so technically I am right. a ratio of 100:1)
What is more precious revisiting an old friend, or revisiting an old place?
What changes more? (for better or worse...) people or places?
It is not just the places that can give us total joy and comfort, it is the people. That is the monster in the back of my head. The one that says I cannot go to Hawaii alone (LEO! *shrill annoying voice*) I believe the people is the overflow of a place, what sets joy on the tipping point. For me personally. Its the people that can fill those gaps. When all is filled, it may seem like there is no diversity to joy/happiness. But there very much can be. We have lived our whole lives in such a wide spectrum of emotions, and from what I hear, life is hard. So sometimes joy can be the most diverse significant emotion. When joy becomes its greatest, so can sadness, so can purpose. I mean it, joy can be more than it seems. It is how you use it. Joy can be the greatest motivation. You can't just teach a dog tricks by beating it when it does wrong, you gotta give it treats. Joy can build a foundation of confidence, courage, and wisdom. The greatest thing about places is that they can't go anywhere. You can visit a place when your good and ready, or it can sneak up on you sometimes. I know California did. But at the same time the greatest thing about people is that they can sometimes fill your life at the most vital opportune moment. Suddenly every coincidence has great meaning. Suddenly they fill every coincidence. What a gift from the havens to give us two joys, the world and its people. But at the same time it can be the greatest curse in certain instances. But that can be dependant on your perspective as well.
I was givin a choice tonight, and I have a feeling that I will be given this choice many more times. I saw my destiny right in front of me. The one I talk about, the world open before me, The opportunity to leave. I heard the "go ahead" sign barking and yelping in front of me. A wild welcome, an ancestral one. For a moment I firmly believed that they would let me run with them, but they quickly stopped. I was at that moment again, given another chance to choose. Behind me a beloved comforted life, but in front of me the wild mystery and of course destiny. It didn't help that it was dark, which gave it more prospects for depth and future and also a quick un-noticed escape. But while I looked and thought, the path to go back felt too comforted. The path in front felt like it was not the time yet. There was still much to learn and of course finish. But that is how I do end up wanting to leave, with everything unfinished, so that I can come back. But at the same time, how nice would it be to not come back? After all, nobody wants to come back to earth when they go to heaven, right? But I finally decided that it was not time yet. But it is close, I can hear it, feel it, and all around sense it.
Two paths diverge in a wood, and I choose the one less traveled by, but why? Well because I wan't to give the plants sufficient room to take back the badly beaten path before it gets too large. Gotta give a chance to those pioneering sucessional species.
No comments:
Post a Comment