Failure

Failure is bittersweet, you have to live with the fact that you could not make it but be content with the fact that you don't have to try anymore.

Is this the day that any sort of passion left in me burns out? I'm not sure. I wish I could find a marker to put down where everything starts to go downhill.

Failure is the bane on my existence, it is there every time I feel successful. It always wins, and it is getting so old. Why do I personify failure? Because it has been with me so long I have to give it a name, Dom. Dom is a failure. The only person that could fix it is me, the only person that let it happen is me.

What would it mean if I tried to trudge out of this sinking pit I created?

"Oh hey look, Dom got out of his own failure, now he is almost as good as the rest of us."

No I'm too stubborn for that. Too hot headed. Egocentric. But hey forgive me, because at one point I believed I was something awesome. That is the type of narrow minded optimism that can get us through all these trials interspersed in our pitifully confused lives.

But hey, hopefully I bounce back like I usually do and delete this post out of sheer embarassment from that unforgiving critic in my head. This is not the kind of writing that anyone should read.

A day with a spider.

I had a special moment the other day. As I stood outside the campus contemplating my life I looked at the building in deep thought. I felt backed into a corner, restricted. I had made a mistake, I ditched to hang out with a dear friend. Worth it? I would say so. As I watched the smoke pour out of my mouth and spill onto the picnic table in front of me something caught my eye; a small black widow spider dangling in front of my vision from the umbrella of the table.
With every breath I rocked him easily back and forth like he was laying in a hammock made of tobacco smoke.

The spider then started to climb down his web towards my shoulder. I didn't feel afraid, I felt very welcoming in fact. He had to be cold, I was freezing.

The spider then rested on my shoulder until I was done smoking. It stayed on my shoulder as I walked through the school watching all the people that seem so different from me. So many worries and cares that I couldn't have. These people are so different but if I am genuine some will hear out what I have to offer to their lives, the only gap between us is confrontation.

I suppose the gap between me and them could be like the gap the spider would have to leap to make it from my shoulder to theirs. I could see why he liked to recoil into the comforting grooves of the folds in my sweater. The warm fabric, why should he even go so far as to jump? Why should I go so far as well with these people?

I'm sure they had greater things on their minds, most people generally don't want to be bothered with confrontation. Unless it's with the right people.

The spider stayed with me while I told my excuse to my professor, he stayed with me when I drove in my car. He liked a certain spot in particular, that left shoulder. I liked him there too, he found a comfortable niche where he could watch the world go by in ways he never experienced before. The spider stayed on my shoulder when I went into my friends apartment and told the story;

“Wait, that thing is still on your shoulder now?? Why would you want a black widow on your shoulder?”

“yes it is. I'm not sure, he just wanted to be here I guess.”

My response was left with some ambiguity. I always feel like that makes life more interesting, giving someone something a little more to find out.

The spider watched me finish my painting and did not move an inch. He inspired so much out of me that day and still does.

Before I left to my next class I went out to my friends balcony. I'm not sure how he knew it was time to go but when I put my hand up to my left shoulder his little legs graced my hand, tickling my nerves. I put my hand out and he dangled off with a new web. I guided his travel to the wall and he found a new home between the shingles.

I didn't give him a name because he didn't need one. Why give something a name that can't name you back? Besides everything has a name that can etched within our minds by incurring some sort of feeling.


So I suppose the spiders name would probably be cherish then.

Black Sunday

I am my own favorite subject, I can never seem to figure myself out.

Nature made me perfect, just not in my own mind.

We all would like to think that we have everyone else figured out.

The fact of the matter is that we will never know why we are in these bodies, until we die. We can only postulate, guess, take shots and throw rocks in the dark.

I am standing on the precipice of my life, I look down and see the swirling bodies of unknown amidst the black with wonder.

But I am cowering with fear at the same time.

can I change? Will I change? I scream for change, but I fear it at the same time.

Can I jump? Or do I have to be pushed? But if someone pushes me, who will push them?

Everything in life is a service to others, every person has a capacity for change.

Life is beautiful, death is beautiful, existence is beautiful, but so is fantasy.

Dreams are beautiful, but so are the dreamers.

people are beautiful.


I adore life so much it makes me sick to my stomach, I love new perspective so much I will poison myself to get there. Without death there is no change, no diversity. Without change and without diversity, there is no meaning.

Death is simply our way of giving someone else a turn, learn to share.

"silly monkeys, give them thumbs they will forge a club and beat a brother down."
-Tool

It has been so long since I verbalized my feelings, maybe I am a hopeless romantic. We say that if you fully believe something to be true, it is true. But at the same time we impose our will upon others, tell them what we think is true. The only progress to be gained is to trust in others, the only way to trust in others is to let go.

we have such a grasp on life that we are strangling it. what is knowledge but a trust that what everyone else has found happens to be correct?

Trust people

push them and

trust them to push you

The only way to know whats at the bottom of the casm is to jump in,

Its funny

It's very funny how suddenly I am in doubt of myself. I never was before, was I just conceited? Probably.
But nobody is truly selfless, every action has a reason behind it. But sometimes I am scared that I can reach the point where inaction could be very easily done. It is an art form, this life.

It's funny when I try to remember why I have a blog, I will write regardless. But there was one point in time where people wanted to read it. Now that nobody is there I start to wonder why I post these. It has become a place for me to scream out under some indication that there is someone inside the matrix of Internet and hardware that can hear me. Maybe even help me. I know plenty of people who think that I am a pussy when I say things like that, overly dramatic, emo, etc.... and I can obviously handle myself when left alone. But that does not mean that I like being left alone when I am reaching out. It is companionship that reminds me that I am alive and breathing. That I have meaning on this earth. Do I take it for granted sometimes? Yes, I am the worst at that. I have the greatest comfort knowing that Keenan will be there no matter what. You were always there, I did the worst shit to you. and you were still there. In that you are a jewel in my life. But can I bring up the guts to say it to you? I don't know.

So yes, yet another post of Dom screaming out once again. Silly Dom, doesn't he know that is not good for him? To worry about things beyond himself. They are all right, I am blinded by hope. I have got my head in the clouds, but at least I don't have it up my ass. Clouds are so much more pleasant.

Its a wonder how much I allow myself to be lead under false pretenses, or maybe even make them for myself. Its a survival mechanism for these crazy humans, lying keeps us alive. Ha, isn't it funny?

So you can try, and fail, to bring me down from the clouds. Try and Shoot down any sort of dreams and ambitions I may have. I know I'm crazy. I know I am too ambitious for my own good. Tell me something I don't know. Basically whats important in human eyes is this, love and everything else. Although I would very much desire something more, love is what I need as a human. And a place to scream.

Knowing

I'm mentally and spiritually exhausted. I have been through so much, by myself. Those peaceful moments will be in my mind forever. I have spent two eternities in those moments and have accepted death each time. I don't even know where to start now, maybe next time I wont have to.

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die
It's all right
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind

H.~Tool

Music gives life meaning. I hope you learned something significant from this last knowing experience.

I think therefore I am

I love that phrase. I think therefore I am. I also believe that people misconstrue this phrase too much as well. I have heard that all too similar philosophy that we can only confirm our own existence, and these people use that phrase. I think therefore I am. They also think that thought is limited to the conscious. But I say perception is just as valid as thought. They both come from the same organ. If I believe my thoughts exist I might as well believe my sight exists. Socrates says that sight can deceive us, so we in turn give that as reasoning for it to be invalid. But doesn't thought deceive us much more than sight? Deceit is the child of thought, of conscious thought. Deceit is a faculty made by the creative part of the brain. Thinking outside the box.

I would say the worst part of growing up and becoming an adult is not the realization of the truth, not the realization of how the world is. Its the realization that imagination is a lie, that dreams are a lie. It is the shallow accusation that to dream is to have your head in the clouds. Our parents, our peers, they literally pull us down. Pull our heads out of the clouds, that's not where they belong apparently. Humans belong on the ground, humans need to be kept in houses, cars, and assorted cages.

So in regards to perception, those that say that we can only prove our existence, they couldn't be more wrong. If I can prove that I have a right hand I can prove that I have a left. If I can prove that I have eyes I can prove I can see with them. If I can prove that I am affected by someone I can prove that they are there. what defines a person? Who gives a shit what form they are in? They satisfy my entire being, they give me proverbial warmth. I feel them, they have significance. If my brain can manufacture an ultimate world it can manufacture the errors, it can simulate happenstance on the other side that I have no idea about. If I close a door to a room I can prove the contents in the room exist by my mere presence. Everything is connected, otherwise time has no merit.

So then what is death? I would say death is only the absence of life, death is nothing. Death only has meaning while the living is alive. While the being is capable of thinking it, giving it meaning. It is us that gives meaning, meaning is a faculty not known unless something that has the capacity to appreciate can and does. Understanding dwells within a vessel, not by itself. Our spirit is understanding. That is like saying a flame can burn without a candle, if a flame can burn without a candle it entirely defeats the purpose of being a flame. It has a niche and that is why it has a name. I would also say one thing of death, death is the ultimate loneliness. This is what is so hard to admit, because we have such a strong desire to not be alone. What is every organism, every living thing scared of? Death. But I would also say, loneliness. Loneliness is the ultimate death. Every single living thing does not spend its life alone. I can promise that. Anything living thing can be defined as being capable of reproduction. Perpetuation of the species, it is a drive so strong that it is manifested within loneliness. And I would say that the fear of loneliness surpasses death by far. Because that is also part of the definition of death, to be alone. We all die alone, great line from a great movie. Donnie Darko.

How bad would death be if you didn't suffer it alone? I would say reality is defined by the existence of others. Contrary to what everyone seems to think. Death is a reality, but whats after is not. Reality to us is what we can experience in life. Death is scary because we have to leave our beloved, our companions that have lived with us. They lived as well, that carries such meaning for the individual. How can we feel that we can live without others?! How come when faced with the filth humanity can heave upon us, we feel like we could do without the world? Like everyone else is out to get us, or incredibly cold to us. We build a hate for the world when these despicable people give incentive for us to believe that people are evil, the world is a lie, everything about us is disgusting. So then how the fuck can we place our value above others? What is the use of your life if you are alone? As humans were built to fuck, built to socialise, built to vicariously live longer. How can you be any more special or unique when the only thing you have (life) is shared by the rest of the world? Action, it is what we do, believe, and think that gives us any sort of merit. So if your goal is just to live than that is impossible, most of all as humans we have one thing that is unique, a will to do things beyond living. A will to dream, to go into the clouds and stay for as long as we damn well please.

Now this is under the assumption that death is the narrowing of living, reality; something diffusing into nothing. I would say the strongest argument I have heard against this is that there is a necessity for it. That we desire so strongly for life after death, to not be alone, etc... but their strong argument is in fact the weakest one. Just because I cry and long for wings doesn't make it so. Emotion doesn't serve a basis for anything in the realm of truth. Emotion is only that which gives what we do meaning to us. Emotion is just heightening of incentive for any sort of action or logical thought. Why is a little kid given a Popsicle when he/she cries? Because he/she wants it that bad. We do what we want, because we are slaves to wants. But wants are incentive for action, at least in the case of humans. Seeing as our logic is refined and more efficient, we need a lot more emotion for incentive to live. So this is exactly why necessity is not a proof for life after death. Just because we desire it, need it, doesn't make it so. This is why we are so thoroughly convinced there is life after, because there is a necessity for it. There is a heaven as long as we are alive to think there is one, because it is incentive to live. It makes us happier, because we do not want to be alone. We do not desire to loose our consciousness. We do not desire to be nothing. We don't desire to lose control. But is this the right incentive?

Somewhere along the line as humans, we decided it just wasn't enough to live on this earth. We have to live somewhere else as well. And not just that, but its not even enough to pass on the gift of life to a child. It was around the time that a horrid thought crossed our minds, a horrid abstract, higher thought, from a horrid abstract primal priest. A priest that says, "what if?" It was then that Jesus died on the cross it was then that there was a heaven or a hell. Not when the bible was conceived by assorted "prophets." Because it was then that we decided the gift of life and consciousness was simply not enough. That is what we are in the animal kingdom, the incontent. So this is where I get personal, this is where I give my two cents on the religious. This is why what you preach holds no water for me; you believe. You lie. You have faith. Don't have faith, have hope. Don't believe, desire. Because THAT is the truth. You desire a god, you definitely don't have one. At least, not the one from scripture if at all. You desire so you lie to believe. And I believe that is the definition of a hypocrisy.

So it is ok to dream, ok to imagine. but if you desire truth, don't let that muddy its waters. and Most of all, don't impose your will to truth upon others. That is something I learned the hard way. When I knew my grandma in life, her beliefs gave her what she needed to live. When I saw here in death, it gave those who loved her reason to cope. So I was silent, I hid my disparity towards the situation. I don't want to die, so I am gonna live. I am gonna live damn well. That is my incentive, not so I can strive for some reward that doesn't exist. But if that works for the poor fools let them have it. Let them have their crutch. and if it is a dream amongst the fellow dreamers with me, I admire their optimism, because there are a lot of people who love to impose their will out there. But I would also say that optimism and dreams are dangerous things, don't let it consume you. I will say one more thing;

That is the glory of a dream
it is the only invincible thing in a world of fragility
you can bend and twist a dream any which way
you can condense it, release it
it will only be satisfied or die inside the beholder
but given the chance it will resurrect.
and maybe even after the beholder dies
would it not remain if they came back?

(Parables)

So familiar and overwhelmingly warm

This one, this form I hold now

Embracing you, this reality here

This one, this form I hold now

So wide-eyed and hopeful

Wide-eyed and hopefully wild

We barely remember what came before this precious moment

Choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside

This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in

This body makes me feel eternal, all this pain is an illusion

We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment

We are choosing to be here right now, hold on, stay inside

This holy reality

This holy experience, choosing to be here in

This body

This body holding me

Be my reminder here that I am not alone in

This body

This body holding me

Feeling eternal, all this Pain is an illusion

Alive!

In this holy reality

In this holy experience, choosing to be here in

This body

This body holding me

Be my reminder here that I am not alone in

This body

This body holding me

Feeling eternal, all this Pain is an illusion

Swirling round with this familiar parable

Spinning, weaving round each new experience

Recognize this as a holy gift and Celebrate this chance to be

Alive and breathing, the chance to be

Alive and breathing

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality

Embrace this moment, remember: we are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

~Tool.

Once more, nothing describes how I feel more perfectly than this song. This song is art.

High hopes

The grass was greener, the light was brighter, with friends surrounded, the nights of wonder.

-Floyd

And in our moment of sadness, we don't expect anyone to understand. Or is it that we don't want them to? My happiness is analogous to the sun and my life as an orbit around it, the warmth of the sun seems so far away at the moment while I am at the edge of my orbit i.e. the fringe of our familiar galaxy. I can't help but question, will I be pulled back towards the sun once more? Or will I fall into the infinite black of space? I feel with the greater part of me, that I don't want to have an orbit. I don't want to be stuck in a mental loop. I wanted this, about just as much as I wanted that warmth of the sun. I want to see the full spectrum of all that life has to offer and appreciate that all the colors are equally beautiful in complexity. But as a human, I can admit that every eye opening wave of energy from each color is overwhelming. But that does not mean that it cannot be appreciated. Don't listen to that person that says its unbearable, he could not see what I see now.

Sometimes I feel if I had an eternity to live, I would spend large amounts of time in one spot, so I can fully appreciate all of the intrinsic anomalies it has to offer.

Here is a cool picture for the hell of it.^

Whats left of the old me

here is what I have not posted, it does not matter now because I dont care and I have changed so much so I might as well post this;

You were right, it is wiser to not let people in. This is my fault, entirely. My fault my fault my fault I am at fault. I am at fault. I am at fault. I am at fault. I am at fault. I want meaning but there is none. I want meaning but there is none. I want meaning but there is none. I want meaning but there is none. I thought I had meaning but it was a lie. I lie to be happy. Lie to have worth. Lie about life, Lie to live. I just lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live lie to live. I just bring everyone down with me. I take away their happiness for this shit of a cause. What is the noblest cause? For me to leave.
There is no name for times like these. Although I am fully aware of its start, cause, and all aspects I cannot find a name for it. Depression is an understatment when it comes to these higher feelings of being spiritually pulled and stretched over oneself. Every moment spent sitting in that similar spot, with that similar sliver in my mind. The sliver of purpose, cause, meaning rots and festers in that part of my mind I could call self. Turning thoughts congeal and whirlpool in a circle of self loathing, it is such an elaborate process I forget why I eat, sleep, shit, bathe, maintain this vessel. We can take pride in this thought, if anything, if man was to go out; let it be by his own hand! Routine becomes a fuel for the fire of depression, I sit in the same spot every time or is it because I sit in that spot that such a state consumes me? Losing reality is part of my process, it is like pushing myself off a cliff on the road to recovery. When lonliness strikes, when sadness envelopes, the last thing I want is my own happiness. It is like happiness becomes a slap to the face, “how could I let such a worthless person enjoy such a priviledge?” Or so it would seem. Sitting in the dark, on the same spot with leather worn thin from wear, the soft cushion of the couch aids in the feeling of numbness. The further seperation from reality. I get up to find my self prescribed gratification. Music can be the hardest drug, there is no quitting. I pick my similar down time songs, My hand leaning on the doorway, stereo in front of me. There is a window to my left, a mirror to my right. Both worlds not worth looking at at the moment. Somehow when I can manage to become digusted with myself the mirror shows the pathetic nature from a third perspective. The window burns into my eyesight as an opportunity, to leave. The easiest answer and in this case I would say the best one. I cycle through the cds on the stereo to find that all familiar cure all cd. The routine finds its way into my hindsight once again, the greatest sequence of songs to crash my mind and push it over that proverbial cliff and into those unfathomable dark reaches of the mind. I wonder if I would rather free fall from the sky to the ground in daylight or at night. What frightens us most, the unknown or the overwhelmingly/regretabley known? No question can be satisfying, all answers beyond me, I look to the mirror, I look to the window, and I become increasingly lost. Every dimension pulling on me, reality weighing down and bearing heavy as if I have become atlas, the world became a burdon without warning. Lack of reality impending its flurry of unknown power. Looking inward, finding no purpose, no cause. Looking outward searching for meaning and being pushed to look inward once again. When there are no ears to hear my struggle, my slow dessication of thought, meaning, and spirit; The paper becomes a ear to listen. The realization that I have only changed from the clastrophobic medium of my mind for thoughts to paper only furthers my spiritual calamity.
I was too ignorant to realize that in order to find truth one must go through the discovery of lies. The greater question I should be asking myself is not if I will find the ultimate truth but rather if I found it, would I tell the world or let it burn? Hopefully it does not happen at such a moment as this. But I already have such a solid foundation of beautiful moments, FUCK THIS FEELING, I WILL JUST FACE THIS MONSTER I MANIFESTED FUCK IT! I DON”T GIVE A SHIT ANYWAYS!


I could not name how many times I have looked at a squirrel, a tree, or a bird in a moment of despair and desire to be one of them. To look at a squirrel busy at work and think, “how much easier that would be, if I was satisfied with gathering nuts for winter.” And even after my world comes crashing down, even when I am at my happiest, I still feel the same way. That desire never changes, it just increases as life goes downhill. The more we know about the world the more we open up new uncertainties, and essentially the more knowledge we lose. Ask a frog what it needs to live, flies and water, the rest comes down to instinct. Ask a person what they need to live; food, water, shelter, companionship, a salary, a car, a job, the list goes on. And these aren't even necessary things, but yet this is what people believe they need. Most of all above this, we are supposed to have knowledge. Not just wisdom, but knowledge earned by spending a fourth of our life learning, let alone the next ¾ learning while working.
That was the only thing I believed in, Now I am permanently lost. To navigate in the dark without a single light of hope or faith when the only light I held has been snuffed out. What is there left to do? I can only be content with the darkness. Like falling into a cave and having the only exit caved in with immovable rocks. There is no sustenance when you have to live on bugs and worms that leech of the filth of this dark prison. The eyes need sight, need light. The lungs need fresh air, wind. The ears need ambient nature, turbulent streams, brooks, and ocean sounds. The body needs to feel the warmth of the sun. The mind needs something to dream of, rather than concentrate on breathing. Give me a voice to shout and I will call for help for days, weeks, months. Give me hands to work and I will toil on the rocks until I find a single beam of light. Give me a dream of the outside to follow, and I will never tire. And if that dream was of something non-existent, and the rocks give way to a solid wall; I will turn to the black depths behind me and dream of a world darker, wetter, and filled with more empty sound and void. A world that has more nothing, beyond tangible, and filled with such depth that I can fall into without any idea of when I will land.
The more I try to uncover the world the deeper this hole of mystery becomes. Opening one door of truth opens thousands of doors of uncertainty, revelations, and possibility. The door of possibility however always remains open and almost always has an eternity awaiting on the other side. No door is a one way door when it comes to discovery. We cannot become dependent on others for answers, they are lost as well, we can only share the love of life and behold, recognize, the beauty we see is shared in appreciation.
Like I said before, faith is not how happy you were when you had it but how discontent you were when in doubt.
Life has no meaning, so make your own.
I don't know what the hell is going on and I check my grammar better when I'm drunk. No red underlines for me tonight. Shit I had too much and I don't know what the hell is going on, I called chelsea because I was locked out and I think I wasn't talking or speaking coherant english because she kept saying hello like I wasn't there. This is weird. Wait, I forgot why I called her, Oh yeah I love her. Nevermind, yet again. Man, This is really tearing me in opposite directions. Over and over I have to try and get over her and then fall in love and then get over her again. Damn, I am always a fool every time, because I fall and its worth it. This is going to be a weird process, but last night was quite possibly the best night I have ever had in my life. Nothing was more pure than what we experienced. Nothing can take that away. But I cannot say that I enjoyed it, because for some reason this is a thing to keep a secret. But I want to tell the world. Damn in love again, I cant stop, or keep from being in love. But abby was right, unless it is reciprocated its meaningless right? That shit is fucking gay. If it has meaning to me then whatever is reciprocated is bullshit. Anyone can fucking tell me I have my head in the clouds, but its has no bearing on what is truth. When it comes to dreams all reality goes against them. People can be told they have no meaning. That they are far fetched. People can go against all bounds including their own. Regardless of all persecution a goal of truth knows no falicy. The truth will eventually be realized. The only thing I know is I love chelsea thats it. The rest of the world has no meaning. The rest of the world can be for me, against me, for god, for nothing, for meaning, for truth, it can be for or for naught. It can be for personal gain or for something noble. It can never be for something noble. Fuck the world, and by world I mean society because suddenly that is what the world has become. You cannot go anywhere without there being a public institution of human beings satisfying their own fucked up desires. But really fuck the world right? If I find any nobler cause than humanity than the world means jack shit. If there is a god the world means jack shit. If there is a god he means more than this shit of a world can ever mean. God sucks the meaning out of life. Because there is something higher, life means nothing when there is something greater than it. We are meant to serve that is it. You can tell me I am wrong, or a dreamer, as if nothing was a dream to have. How can you not deal with nothing? You tell me you cannot know good without evil but I tell you that you cannot know something without nothing. You cannot know life without absence of life. So these people that tell me they are going to this place after they die, or that gods love ect... is this higher thing for them to fall back on, They don't know life. It is not hard to realize that nobody knows shit about the world. I am just this child that is born into a place of doubters, people full of fear, people who don't know, and people who know what is presented. People that make their own opinions of the world. People that observe as much as they can but still take faith, face one direction. If there are two people in a dark room that must get out for whatever reason possible, the people with faith are the ones that stare at a blank wall and say theres a door while the people who are truly human, the closest thing to truth, are looking for a door. And then there are the people that claim to a faith, live a life of faith, but most of all live a lie. These kind of people take the stance of a faith with hopes that it is true but doubt in their minds. Ha, I laugh at these despisers of truth, because they follow contradiction, the only possible living organism that fights against itself. If you have anything to fight, fight the world. Finding yourself is not hard. Does it make sense to try and find yourself when your lost in the wilderness? No, so it is neither hard in life. Recognize you are lost before claiming to be trying to find something. Liers. What does it mean to be a lier, it means you are selfish. It distorts and obscures your ability to find any sort of meaning, it distorts the ability as a human to be profound. As a lier you have no meaning, because it can be changed either which way. As a lier you can have no love for a person because love carries no meaning with lies. Truth is love, simply because it cannot be experienced without it. Love is truth not the reason for it. The sooner you get that out of your head the better. Love cannot be the only reason to meaning because it knows no bounds. Love knows no bounds because there are things higher than love. Why do you love a person? It is because this person exceeds a boundary you did not know before. We love for things that have a certain depth of unknown to it. A ceratin depth of something profound. The answer to life is not love because love is the appreciation of something higher, more beautious than ourselves. You cannot use this as an answer, it is simply how you can feel about life. But why do we feel love? Because without love any sort of answer found can be void in perspective. Love is the answer to why, but not the answer to who, what, when, and where. The meaning of life is to live, the meaning of humans is to live but love. The meaning to existence is that there is no meaning, it is but brute fact. The highest possible meaning to achieve is Live, love, appreciate, dream, and finally though these recognize the lack of meaning but create such a meaning for ourselves that death and nothingness carries no meaning on what can be, has been, and will be achieved. So I will promise myself two things to the world, I will live, I will love, I will appreciate, and I will dream all whilst recognizing my lack of meaning and through this I can create a meaning that is temporary until broken by possibility. Which holds sway in the overall determination of the future.
In an embrace, eyes closed, love is still there. Mouth shut, love is still there. Words not spoken, love is still there. Doubt festers, love is still there. Accusations flourish, love still reigns. Chance will fight it, love still reigns. Reciprocation cripples it, but love still stands. Lies cover it, but love still burns. Love is truth, truth is love. Even when it loses meaning, love makes its own. Love knows no bounds, but nothing should be bound by love. It is not something that should consume you, although it can. The true lovers of the world allows for its total appreciation in freedom that also knows no bounds. Love is freedom, and freedom is love but only when we make way for it to be. Love can be the fuel for truth and the emancipation for freedom, but it cannot be lived without truth and appreciated without freedom.
What is worse, wishing for the world to burn or watching it happen and not giving a shit? Lets play would you rather, would you rather watch the world burn when you don't care or burn the world down when you hate it? There is no inbetween, there are those that hate, those that are indifferent, those that make their own reality, those that simply accept reality, but there are not many, if any at all, that live for the world. Because that is wrong all the sudden, right? Let me tell you what I live for, I live for the world, but not mankind. There are the few that deserve such a place in the world, in the fact that they are deserving of nothing, living in a world devoid of priviledge, now theres a place I could really rest my hat in.
Love is the only meaning I have at the moment and it is volatile to change for reasons beyond my own. Without fellow man there is no companionship, without companionship there is no mankind. Contentment is the mastery of indifference to all barriers towards happiness. Contentment is when you can look life and meaning in the face and spit upon them with unrestricted contempt.


ts one thing to say that a person is strong for fighting back, but its another thing for someone to take hits simply by choice, by merit.
I know there is meaning to the world because people matter even when we don't want them to.
Every answer we think we have found cannot be anything more than a good way to view how out of control we are when it comes to all existence.
If a rock exists forever then as humans we “exist” forever just in a different form.
Note to self; re-read everything before writing a book. But write a book,
Jeff Buckley is my devils advocate. Here we go again, any normal person would quit right now, why can't I be normal? Am I going to take this miracle for granted? I believe in God for the most part but he is not there. Do I truly believe? Or have I just given up and chose the easy answer? Answer is defined as a solution to a problem, but sometimes I would define it as the best outcome. For some things. Like the answer to live or not is to live. Happiness is the answer. The reasons for the world to burn are just as valid as the reasons for it not to. The only thing that cannot be indifferent is human beings and half of them are indifferent for the most part. A good percentage want to see the world burn. And a good amount want it not to. I know I will regret any sort of drugs I take somehow, but I don't care right now. What do you do when there is no point to live and suicide is not an option? You can only be more trapped than you were before. All I need is one person, one person, thats it. When I don't leave people, they leave me. She says we both are not in a good place for a relationship, but thats the only thing I need. I have been dying for one all my life,
All I need is someone to hold, all I need is someone to hold, all I need is someone to hold, all I need is someone to talk to, all I need is someone to talk to, all I need is someone to talk to, if this isn't true I don't want anything to do with humanity anymore, if this isn't true I don't want anything to do with humanity anymore, if this isn't true I don't want anything to do with humanity anymore, I still want to change the world but if this was a lie I don't want friends anymore, its not hard I can start putting on an act all over again, I don't have to be in my body if I don't want to be, If there is a god I fucking hate him, if there is a god I fucking hate him, if there is a god I fucking hate him
Time to be a man was the conclusion I reached, and I couldn't help but think what does it take to be a man? I cried and whimpered like a beaten puppy in the grass field when god put me on my ass. Everything swirled through my head, every intoxicated moment reverberated in my skull and pulsed though my temples like a sickness. I realized it hadn't been more than 24 hours since my last drink and I got in trouble exactly a year ago. Everytime I revisit that familiar feeling I realize how short it has been since I have been before and how much shorter my life is than I think. The police officer even sounded like the same one, my life has become so routine that even my luck follows its mundane course. No matter how many how many times I hit the wall the feeling would not be satisfied or would leave. All I hear is my thoughts jumbled amongst my spastic heavy breathing mixed with the hollow slap of my knuckles on the pavement. The heartache. the confusion. the isolation. That familiar burning desire. A billowing mushroom cloud gathering up in my very heart. I could physically feel every waded up ball of stress I have swallowed being vomited back up. For the first time a hand on my shoulder was not nearly enough. No problem is too much to not tell a friend, except this one. A problem beyond purpose and meaning. What would you call a problem where you are not even sure if there is or isn't purpose or meaning? My problem is not that there is no purpose or meaning, it is neither that there is one. It is that I don't even know between the two choices which are each just as valid. Beyond meaninglessness I am lost, free falling in blackness never knowing if I will hit the ground or continue falling. The heartache of love sickens me, an emotion I have always been a master over. You cannot be reprimanded by yourself if you are honest, it is others that cast such a condemning gaze over such honesty. But this heartache was self imposed, I chose to open up, and that was wrong. After waiting anxiously all day, not eating, not sleeping even though I stayed up all night, the first phone call was a crippling blow. Followed by mind numbing sadness. The second call pushed me over an edge that I didn't know was there. I didn't know it was possible to be pushed over the edge twice in one fall. The unbearable feeling comes back but with a vengence, now backed up by new more scary ones. The circle of self doubt, and persecution flowed though my head like cerebral vultures waiting to pick and chew the stringy remnants of my mental genocyde. The hollow slap of my knuckles again, this time much louder and sickening. I was beyond repair, f.u.b.a.r. Contradiction can become the greatest strength, my mind constantly saying I should lift myself up when there was no reason to. I believe the strongest person is the one that has always been weak but will pick themselves up none the less. The strongest person is the one that will stand up even when they have been knocked down so much they spend more time on their face than their feet. In a sick demented way we need peoples nastiness to build self reliance. To clear our hearts of all love so that they cannot be broken. It is also this defense mechanism that is a thoroughly disgusting fallacy. This in itself disables the capability of honest relationships with our fellow man. It is this black nastiness that has crept into my mind right in my lowest moment, when I am most susceptable to it. What is it to be a man? Sometimes a man has to not care to be strong. To love with only half his heart. Friends make us sad because we care, but that is something that is largely unrecognized amongst the paranoid, finger pointing, self rightious vermin that feed off each others uncessary contempt for the world. Their belief; that the world is out to get them. When in fact it is their fault in the first place. Be the change you want to see in the world is wrong. The change in the world must be the change of the majority. Not only must you BE the change but you must inflict change as well into that plate of armor that mankind surrounds itself with.
After the unwinding of the string of explosions in my brain, my family calls my name. I am stuck in that same basement I was in before, lights out, invisible to the outside world. I look into the window and see my reflection muddied by grey noise. For a second when I look at the reflection I see her face. A visual reminder of how consumed I have become. The moments where I must choose to be a man come once again. All I can do is sit and wish for a call that might not happen.
Natures indifference is innocent.
Domism; The meaning of life is to live, life is a spontaneous arrangement of elements, elements consist of stable and unstable materials that coinside with universal law, the universe infinitely overlaps, higher meaning is created by higher beings. A species is a species because it can be. Therefore all religions are correct if they enable us to live.
Having no regret or remorse is not forgetting the bad, that leads to confusion, it is realizing that what matters most is the good and that any length of time spent in misery is worth one day spent in ecstasy.
I am strongest when I am left alone, and weakest when I am given the capacity to care. Now I am stronger, with new thoughts, new insights, and new goals/dreams. Every day of happiness is worth any eon spent in sadness. Every moment of triumph from adversity makes it almost a necessity. Sometimes we must be indifferent to ourselves if we want to care for and understand others.
I can't even live, I think I have depression.


I am tired of being lied to, I am tired of being shut out, I am tired of being honest to no avail , I wish () would open up, I wish () would open up, I wish () would open up, I wish () would open up, I wish () would open up, I wish () would open up, please god, I don't understand whats going on.


in some moments emotion can make me feel further from sanity than I could ever be. I don't want anything to be secret, secrets kept from the world are a crime against humanity, even the ones that are kept rightiously so, because even when a secret is kept away it is still existent. If we don't solve our problems now they will be passed onto others. Anything you have ever felt, no matter how unique you think it is, has been experienced by many other people before. This is why emotion should not take dominance over knowledge/ discovery. Indifference to oneself is liberating. It is at the precipice that we change. I believe indifference to truth is the greatest crime.
With the infinite amount of chance, perhaps if you ask enough people one question it will be answered correctly.
What is the meaning to life;
to who? Perception
To find the meaning of life, discovery/knowledge
I have no idea, why? It is unknown
well i think the meaning of life is to enjoy and make an impression on people so when you do die, you will have made an impression on people, no matter bad or good. glory/love
logic and emotion are connected. But not interchangeable.


Anyone has the capacity to spend the rest of their life with anyone, it is that horrible disease called love that makes us want a certain person and that certain person only for the rest of our lives.
You cannot love another if you don't love yourself because you have no sympathetic conciousness of your own joys and sorrows, because your soul is in a state of conflict, and thus can't understand the use of what they bring to you.
Is something appreciated now the equivalent of something appreciated latter? Is full satisfaction at the moment we think there can be nothing greater the equivalent of the satisfaction once something greater presents itself?


acts can satisfy a number of random purposes, the future is not determined but it has to happen no matter what, it is only in the moment that anything is determined.
The only proof that something is visible to us is that we see it, when we don't see it, it is not necessarily that it does not exist but that there is no need for it to be proven to human eyes. So we are in need to prove a world to ourselves that already exists. How do you get someone to contemplate something? Without explaination. Wallet question, take out the money and whoever wants the wallet without money truly owns the wallet. Huxsons brave new world. Cool thought, the more people in the world, the more meaningless each one becomes, ex. Voting.
Strong by day, completely helpless by night. How could any one else in the world have to go through anything like this? I don't want anyone to have to. I wish I could be stronger for you but most of all I want you to be happy. I have no room to complain, this is my own prison, what the hell do I do?
Glorious is the day that when it comes to us, we would be willing to throw out any other day before it. The only thing that can keep us from living in such a moment forever is the alien concept that there could be even better days to come. Glorious is the moment when we live our lives not by the day but in weeks, months, years. A collected amount of days where sleep cannot change our minds about what was felt the day before. Glorious is the day that we live to see the next sunrise, live to have routine in unplanned ecstacy. Glorious is the day that life comes at you in waves, each one getting bigger and more magnificent to behold above you. Glorious is the friendship that is so surrounded in the warm glow of euphoria, every room, every moment, every laugh has the makings of unparalleled mirth divine. Give us days to revel and we will give moments that resonate with sincerity. Give the trees mouths to speak and we will dance between them like the breeze soaking in every word spoken. Most of all give me a friend to wander with me and I will tell of every step we take, for each one resonates with meaning beyond divine.
Square the circle; to make black and white, add points and straight lines.
The greatest thing that other human beings can offer to us is to point out when we are wrong; although this can bring our world crashing down, it reveals a whole new world outside the mental prison we can sometimes build around ourselves.
Being Knowledgable is not how well you can confuse a person with big words or concepts, thats being misleading and confusing. A truly knowing person knows how to change the mind of every person in the room which is a much larger feat of knowledge.
My miracle was a way to show that I should stay on my path and not diverge one bit or jump to conclusions, because thats what it enabled, my freedom to question vs. try to live.
I wish you could hear me right now, I can't be stronger any more.


Suffering arises from trying to control what is uncontrollable, or from neglecting what is within our power
Epictetus
Upon every accident, remember to turn towards yourself and inquire what faculty you have for its use. If you encounter a handsome person, you will find continence the faculty needed; if pain, then fortitude; if reviling, then patience. And when thus habituated, the phenomena of existence will not overwhelm you.
The saddest thing about the world is how easy it is to hate it.
From a biological standpoint; Humans are K strategists and tend to keep one partner for life. It is therefore very quintessential that the female is very selective and the male have fitness. So in theory the people that are the most animalistic are; the Females who are very selective and more abstinent, and the males who try to have sex as much as possible. It is the females who are not selective, and have the most sex, especially the ones that actively do it more for enjoyment, that are more human, not animalistic alongside the males who practice abstinence and are selective themselves. So in regards to men behaving like animals, women are just as bad if not worse due to cultural beliefs.
In order to be divine we would first have to be willing to give up all that is great about being human.
Ok, I can function without a bone, I'll be alive thats what counts. Only need three fingers for the guitar anyways.
I don't want a funeral, I don't want to buried in the ground, I want to rest outside and be ravaged by nature. I want my last words carved into my forehead.
It is incredibly easy to not give a shit, it can make you feel as rebelious as you like, but in terms of being a rebel your not even close. The world is full of people that reach that same conclusion, it is the people who care beyond belief that exceed the norm. It is the people who exceed the norm that might find a door in this dark room.
Have you ever wished somebody was coming to see you so bad that you actually get up to look out the window and see if they are there?
imagination is capable of anything but not able
Sometimes the body cannot trust the head and the head cannot trust itself. The head can get dangerous, when it takes a moment to think, why do I eat, drink, or sleep. I should pursue loftier goals.


We are the small spike of order amongst the chaos in the universe. So then shouldn't there be others? Alternate universe?
Cool thought; if an atom is as small as it gets, it is noy three dimensional but zero. What if at the root of everything is nothing? What Is inside that space that energy occupies.
Time is measured by action, when action stops, time is not a factor. Action is thought to be put forth by energy, if energy occupies space, wouldn't time occupy space as well? If all action ceases, is there time? If there is, it at least cannot be measured.
Energy is defined as the capacity to cause change. Atoms mostly made up of empty space, ask a physicist.


The best way to stop an addiction is to eliminate the necessity for it in the first place.

I do drugs to be a slave, to me, to humanity, to the earth.

Sadness is when your choices die premature, when your dreams hit the water and dissipate, When what you thought was true rears its gruesome face, when all thats true was a lie and only uncertainty remains untouched. Sadness is when life becomes something it is not, a performance, a submission, a failure, a triumph. Sadness is when life is stuck in the world of becoming and the world of being is so long away it is on the verge of falling over the precipice. Sadness is not a continuous state, it is a state of constant disappointment. When the prospect of dreaming is the equivalent of throwing yourself into traffic. Sadness is a short lived satisfaction followed by a long traveled road of self inflicted failure. Is sadness something to be overcome? Forgotten? Ignored? Pushed away? Learned from? Waited out? There is no right way but plenty of wrong ones. In sadness most of all, the meaning of right and wrong has no bearing on the individual.
Permanently changed, neither for better or worse. Permanently changed but my head is still in the clouds, my heart still longs for the unobtainable. Although Dom is still there, there will be a permanent defensive shell that I have grown for my own good. Am I content with this? Not too sure, should I try to fix this? Give it a second chance? Actually I am saying this wrong, give it a second chance after thousands? Why not, nothing to lose or gain. Here today, gone tomorrow.
The best way to handle this was to change, to become cold to the whole thing. Because it was so pure, that to accept that it was a lie was unbearable or even impossible.
July 11 the day I think I am past this, but its still there, just managed.


Being critical of something does not place you above it.

H.

What's coming through is alive
What's holding up is a mirror
But what's singing songs is a snake
Looking to turn this piss to wine

They're both totally void of hate,
But killing me just the same

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again
Considerately

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty
Drags me down like some sweet gravity

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again

And I feel this coming over like a storm again
And I feel this coming over like a storm again

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me
And considerately killing me
And considerately killing me
And considerately killing me

Without the skin,
Beneath the storm,
Under these tears
The walls came down

And the snake is drowned and
As I look in his eyes,
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of those times

I could have cried then
I should have cried then

And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
and will die
It's all right

I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind!

I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me,
And considerately killing me
And considerately killing me
And considerately killing me

H.~Tool

I will say without hesitation that nothing is more pure or divine than music. Nothing can embrace you better. Music occupies a space in my soul that nothing else can touch.

Fibbonaci sequence

with my feet upon the ground I lose myself between the sounds
and open wide to suck it in, I feel it move across my skin
I'm reaching up, I'm reaching out.
Im reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me, whatever will bewilder me
and following our will and wind, we may just go where no-ones been
we'll ride the spiral to the end, and we may just go where no-ones been.

Best breakdown in music.

Lateralus.

Since when?

Since when was life something to deal with? There is nothing that we have to "deal" with, that is entirely up to us. Maybe its just my American upbringing, but I would rather jump out a window under my own freewill than live a life under the rule of dealings. Dealings amongst others, and even dealings from myself. It seems no matter what freedom is something you have to fight for, because someone out there feels they can impose their will upon others. Which freedom is best, the kind where you have broken all bounds, even your own? The innocent kind, growing under the shade of adolescence, endless summer? The battle for freedom, earned with relentless passion and selfless sacrifice?

I will say one thing for certain;

Freedom is not gauged on how well you earned it, how much you deserve it, how much you have or how little you paid for it; freedom is your moment, your time in the sun, and there is not one person who can enjoy or abhor it any better than the next one.

Freedom is the natural dream of humanity, set forth when we decided to ditch our spears and contemplate the stars.

world so cold

When passion's lost, and all the trust is gone, way too far for way too long.

Children crying, cast out and neglected... only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold.

Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, then watch them drift away.

Some might say we've done the wrong things for way too long, for way too long...

Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)

Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.

Keep your thorns, cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...

Burning whispers remind me of the days. I was left alone in a world this cold.

Guilty of the same things, provoked by the cause. I'm left alone in a world so cold!

Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)
Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.

Keep your thorns,
cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...

I'm flying,

I'm flying away!

Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so COLD!

Why does everyone feel like my enemy, don't want any part of depression or darkness.

I've had enough, sick and tired, bring the sun or I'm gone... OR I'M GONE!

I'm backing out,
I'm no pawn,
no motherfucking slave to this - Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else Not a care, no concern.

Don't give a shit about anything!

Backing out, giving up, no motherfucking slave to this Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else

Not a care, no concern. Don't give a shit about anything!


I need to find a darkened corner,

a lightless corner where it's safe and calmer...

I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)

Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us

I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold

I'm flying,
I'm flying away!

Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so Cold!

Word so Cold~Mudvayne

Its so funny how much I go in circles, once again these songs are there for me, I am so glad that Joey is ok.

The neverending rain

Who could forget the week the rain never stopped, and its explosive remnants after. Who could forget the lightning and thunder strikes, and the sadness mixed with laughter. I am strong once again, and even when nature booms with thunder, I stick out my tongue, hold out my hands, and with love and beauty abounding; I laugh at her.

All the lost words

What happens to the thoughts pushed aside? What happens to the moments that mattered most at one point, and lost meaning the next? What happens to the brilliant minds that disappear, those that have lived, fought, and accomplished? Our thoughts can feel so real to us, but we are told they have no substance, no matter. You could call a thought a firing of nerves in the brain, a balance of chemicals. But as our nerves fire, the chemicals pushing and prodding our brain to make sense of a chaotic world around us; our mind screams for understanding, for closure amongst this infinite world of free will that dwells within us. I know I have free will because at times I desire to not have it. We know there is free will when there is so much that coincides, contradicts, and knows no bounds.

One contradiction I have is that when it comes to philosophy I get very, VERY personal. Because it is very, VERY personal. Am I not a part of this unknown chaos? Am I alone in this world screaming into the wind? One personal thing I have noticed is there is a higher majority of what I have thought, believed, wrote, sang, dreamed, LIVED, that has been lost. Moments where the weight of the universe has come crashing down upon my very essence. Moments where what I have felt or thought feels like it is the weight of the universe. Some of these thoughts pass in the passing hour. Some of these thoughts get written down. Some of these thoughts get pushed back, burned, thrown away, forgotten, ignored, and essentially; lost in the universe, time, humanity, possibly only seen by creator and even he may deem them not worthy of you remembering. But I disagree with this, I wonder;

How many people have cried out to the stars?

How many songs have gone unheard?

How many people play music, with no need for words, in the night that has gone unheard and unmentioned?

How many books have been forgotten?

How many discoveries have been left untouched or unaccepted?

How many dreams have been left to disintegrate into the night?

How many dreams have not been accomplished?

How many dreamers have wandered aimlessly off the cliff of history, not seen or understood by a single mind?

How many last thoughts have been buried in the graveyards with their hosts?

How many loves have been left unrecognized, unsatisfied?

So yes, you were right, truth is relative. Not only that, but it is lost constantly. Thousands of cries for help have gone unheard. is it wrong as a human being to weep for those left unheard? It is in the moments that I hide anything about who I am, what I have done, What I desire, and what I dream to accomplish that I weep for those who have done the same for I know they are with me but just as lost. Let me tell you why there needs to be a heaven, because without one, most of the greatest things this world has known are lost and stripped of meaning. Without a place for these words representing the lives of billions only a small portion of their lives made it through to the next generation and even then, there is a natural erosion that occurs with time to take that away. That is why there needs to be a place for these things, there needs to be a observer that doesn't let one voice in this expanse of life to be unheard.
There needs to be purpose! not only that but a purpose that fills these meanings.

Even as I type, there are things that I have written that I am erasing. Boy do I love contradiction at times. Sometimes contradiction can show how connected things really are. This is the closest I can come to saying, I recognize and honor those who have which been lost or forgotten but I cannot even come close to understanding the magnitude of it. I can only know it is beyond my understanding. Which reminds me of something I said a little while ago, "you cannot fully appreciate something until you understand it." I for the most part still stand behind that statement. I will finish this tribute with quotes from people that will not be forgotten,

"nothing in life is free."

"I cannot leave because I haven't satisfied my purpose yet."

"is anything a lie if we die believing it?"

"I do what I want."

"You can pretty much back anything up until it is your fault."

"Truth is relative, if anything should be pure in its essence, it should be truth, but it is not."

I am trapped

I am trapped beyond any reasonable state to do action. I can only be. I can only sit while the world turns. I have the greatest possible disparity with no reason to do anything about it. I cannot do nothing, I cannot do something. I am just trapped. Doomed to be and nothing more. My happiness gives me contempt, my sadness has no meaning. The cause to do action of my own accord has deteriorated. I am listening to a part of me that is in the past. I think I am the only person at the moment that will not do what I want for no reason at all. I cannot escape, I w on't escape. I choose not to, like I have been institutionalized in life. I want a savior but might never get one, I try to be a savior when no-one needs one, I try to leave the world but get drawn back in, I try to see the world but I can only dream of it, I wish I could just serve myself but its just not satisfying, I wish I could serve others but I don't know who, what, when, WHY, or how, I try, and I try, and I try, but thats it. I stop trying and try to focus on not trying, because my spirit will try to do otherwise. I know nothing, i have no choice, i have no will, I have no way. Where there is a will there is a way, where there is no will there is no way. Where there is both there is simply entrapment of the greatest kind, and thats where I am. Trapped, and I will bang and thrash my head on the walls of this prison until the very last breath of me. Thank god I am not alone, but I am doomed to see these people from the other side of these bars and never to join them. I am doomed to either be happy with my prison, or angry with it. Not to leave it but find a way to enjoy it or sit in sadness. And thats how I am institutionalized, routine takes hold and strangles to the point of mundane depression.

Closure

"There are times I’ve suffered shipwreck in my journeys: In perils of robbers; In perils of false brethren; In perils of my own design. Yet, from these perils comes knowledge: Only from within may we truly shine."

"Smile" By Tupac Shakur

another line from the song
"And a man without a focus, life could drive him insane"

As I was sitting in front of the computer listening to this song, I realized the true value of finding anything higher in life. What is the use of philosophy when you have to fight for your meals? What is the use of science when you have to sleep with one eye open? What is the use of what I want to find when the whole world is suffering from the immediate pains? Why should I search when what the majority needs is so apparent and easy to give? I am searching for reasons, forgetting I have bread in my hands for these starving people at my feet. I am looking to the stars for a purpose when there are so many reasons to help shed in tears by my fellow human beings.

Give me reason, give me life, give me purpose, give me cause, but most of all let me give to this world what it has given me; meaning.

I have gotten a taste of that life, the life lived by unnecessary struggle. When Justice loses its distinction. I can see your faces, I can remember your names;

Cory
Joanna
Johnny (God)
Chris
Matt

I lived with you in that struggle, I saw what life can be like, and I still believe it was unnecessary. These are beautiful people, How can you keep me from sympathizing with them??? I would trust them anyday, live with them anyday. I suppose I fell into the phrase, "if you can't beat them, join them." I just wanted to pay a tribute of sorts to these friends, I have no idea where they are at in life but hopefully its not in the same or a worse place.

I am also releived to find that Jojo is alright, as I typed these words I had to find out, and she seems to be happy. She kept who she was (the good parts) and I am very proud to see that.
gotta get back to work as well, not a good night to write.

a mess of concepts

Hahahaha, lets start this one with a laugh, I just realised that I maybe write waaay too much. And since this post already seems to be taking a turn for the unconventionally worse, lets jump right into some of the cool thoughts I am having at this moment;

Isn't it the saddest common trait in society that the people who hate themselves are favored over people that hate everyone else? Although both are hate, and both are morally wrong to some extent, it is funny to see that there can be a mean for hating things. Another word for a person that hates themselves could be selflessness. Perhaps they are not actively belittling themselves, but they are still performing these sacrificial selfless acts in spite of themselves. What I see it as, is if you hate yourself, you hate the people around you. Because whether you believe it or not when shrouded by this spiteful vision, we are related. We both share these "faulty" if you will, genes. I can relate to this, that is how I know. I do sometimes have a lack of faith in humanity, but I wouldn't ask god to press the edit undo button for Adam and Eve. Because I see the capacity of every human, to do well, to love, to be "good." We have the capacity to figure this life thing out, to put forth such an effort unparalleled in all species. Although every species has done its part mind you. and that is something I can respect, the humbleness and yet raw untamed freedom of nature.

"Perspective dictates its own laws"

cool thought that was brought up with a good friend, by this I mean that a person See's what they want. Any view or prospect held by any sort of living being cannot be governed by anything but itself. Sure a persons view can change, but in the end, it is through their perspective that anything can make sense, be true, have significance. Like the question, if a tree fell in a forest and nobody was around to hear it, would it make a sound? My question is, when you walk into a forest and you see this giant tree resting in the calamity of dust, and the beam of light spilling through the hole in the canopy above it; does that image not create the greatest picture of a loud crash and breaking of boughs and branches in your mind? Like most philosophers say, there is a world of being and a world of knowing, nominal world and a phenomenal world, metaphysics etc.... So by this, if you would say the laws of death still apply to a singular perspective because without a being to think it, it becomes obsolete; I would ask you, isn't our memory of that persons perspective or that person in general, everlasting? A person cannot be forgotten, he/she vicariously lives through the whole membership of life. Have all extinct species been forgotten to the earth? No, their fossils remain, their impact in time remains. When all life is gone, their will still be that black knot called life running in the eternal grain of time. So in concerns to glory, in concerns to impact or remembrance, a person can only make that knot look bigger, not be a knot by himself in the face of time. (just a reminder, the knots seen in wood are the shoots, or branches of the tree connected to the primary xylem a.k.a heartwood.) So what if instead of looking at life as a tree, you looked at time as a tree, there is no beginning because that is the eternally growing roots. There is no end because that is the eternally growing trunk, branches, and leaves. The present is the moment the trunk meets or diverges from the roots, and it cannot signify the beginning because it grows in two different directions. Which two directions is something a beginning cannot have.

I have always had weird concepts towards the definition of time, a long time ago I liked to ask the question, what if time moved in a circle? It would still be eternal right? I like Thoreau's remarks on time when he quotes the Indian definition of time, to show time an Indian will point behind himself for the past, above himself for the present, and ahead of himself for the future. When I see this I can't help but think of the concept, what if time, was simply the laws of gravity? I wish I knew more about physics, but if every atom, stopped moving, would time go on? I would say no, because time can be a human faculty and we essentially are made of these atoms. So what if time exists in the eternal movements of these atoms? Although I have also heard that it is debatable whether atoms exist or not, so that doesn't help. Not only to mention that everything I have said is under the impression that there is no God, which could unload another plethora of possibilities. But I like imagining until my very intellect, my thought processes stress to the verge of breaking. Because as a Human, I can. A person is a person because they can be, a species is a species because it can be. Although I did not like these dead ends before, but due to new perspective I have changed.

ha! sometimes I love contradictions! and if I hated it other times, wouldn't that be a contradiction? Ooooo, someone has gotten my creative juices flowin and I love it!

This picture is in tribute of all the mathematicians and physicians out there, I love what they represent; the world of knowing.

When did truth become a lie?

"Why do we avoid honesty so much, and at the same time praise it? Is it because we believe at the core of our being, we are "evil" but what if at the core of our being we were something more pure than being "good" but rather possessing the wholehearted desire to be good?"

That is what I wrote on a piece of paper just a moment ago, and Kant would totally agree with this. This is something that we have been taught as kids for years. Do you want to know what I see growing up as? Being mature, is learning when to lie. Being mature, is hiding our demons. Somewhere, somehow, we got the ridiculous indication that those things are the "courteous" thing to do. That it would be the lesser of us, to burden society with such a thing. To burden people with the truth. So we carry it on our backs.

"Men establish and confirm their daily life of routine and habit everywhere, which still is built on purely illusory foundations. Children who play life, discern its true law and relations more clearly than men, who fail to live it worthily, but who think that they are wiser by experience, that is, by failure." ~Thoreau

For once in the case of truth it is not a nice gesture to carry the load or "burden" if you may of truth for another person. This is the equivalent of exiting the cave (in Socrates allegory of the cave) and hiding the world of knowing from the people within. Which to me is a horrible sin. All the time I hear, "god is truth" from christians who dastardly use that as a reason for evangelicalism; but at the same time they are willing to lie about, their own faith, their own "demons", and any other "white lie" of the sort. You cannot tell me god is truth without saying at the same time, but we are lies.

But lets see what a lie is, in the dictionary it is a false statement said with the deliberate intent to deceive. When I look at a lie, I see it as much more than one person intending to deceive other people. Whether you believe it or not the world is not full of people out to get each other. A lie can also be told to oneself, a lie can be a faith of sorts. Is there such a thing as a "good" lie? A lie told with the best intentions? We see this scenario all the time, lets say an adopted child is not told until he/she is an adult that he/she was adopted. Everytime they say, "why didn't you tell me?" Thats the common line, but thats also the common thought. Most people, can handle the truth. Because like a faith, a person no matter how burdened, has something to believe in; truth. Which is very important to the human soul. Notice I have said both truth and lies is faith, but by a lie being a faith I mean wishful thinking. and by a truth being faith I mean the genuine trust and confidence that truth, is true. For lack of a better definition. So when is it appropriate to lie? As soon as the truth is realised first, because wishful thinking isn't a crime. In my book; it is Never ok.

Forget I said this, it is too pessimistic and hard to digest.

Fever dream

I woke up at 5 a.m. today in a sweat and panic. I am glad to be alive. I also realised that when it comes down to it, we all desire to live. When fear grips us, when fight or flight beseeches us, survival mode kicks in. Hobbes was not quite the paranoid philosopher we thought he was. He was living in a war, we are living in a war. No matter how much we think we have overcome the natural world, and no matter how much we think that the problems of society, or our problems, means the end of the world; we couldn't be further from the truth. I have learned a lot from this dream, I never want to go back into those catacombs. I will listen to Thoreau on this one, I will be the free man like the cypress.

Rain comes at last

I know I am really happy when I can't do anything but sit and smile. I can hear the rain tapping on my roof, and I can still feel it soaking into my skin. Sometimes I swear he is there, of all the nights to rain. He knows how I feel about rain. I could write pages upon pages on how beautiful a night like this is, but I personally love when I can't because the experience was beauty beyond words.

How could I describe the rain, how could I describe the streets mirroring the lights off the buildings? Rain not only nourishes life but the earth as well. The streets come to life, with the fluidity making them seem as if no other surface could be smoother. How could I describe the beautiful experiences of tonight? The near perfect circumstances bring me to pieces. The weather was not cold, it was sensational, as in every shiver was like a shiver of joy. The water was not wet, it was nourishing, hydrating, down to every last soaked fiber of my being.

How could I describe holding hands (gasp no codeword!) hahahaha? pure euphoric delight. It was like all that rain filled me up and literally made me overflow with happiness, spilling and splashing on the pavement. Not only did the clouds precipitate joy tonight but we did as well; to hydrate the earth so it could thrive almost as much as us.

Ah, Spring!

It felt like summer was never going to come this year, I never really appreciated how amazing that process is. Every plant, animal, microscopic to macroscopic, all emerging out of their dormant states; To Flourish. I also realised while looking at this wise, aged tree that was gnarled and twisted by the elements of being a highway tree, that as much as you feel your world is falling apart life goes on. People living, dying, working, trying. Everyone concentrated in this little prison that they manifested for themselves. But the trees will always bud in the spring, the frogs will croak, Life will continue on its happy, pure course. Life is indifferent to man, yes, but that is why it is so beautiful. To be indifferent to obligation as a fact of life, you cannot tell life what it has to be. But we constantly assume that role, because that's what we have made of ourselves thus far. We are homo-Faber, man the maker, and not that there is anything wrong with that. It is just when we assume that entails us to manipulate any part of the world that much higher than our meaningless, mundane task or whatever demands more of life than is necessary.

Every moment I have alone, when I take a step back from the assorted comings and goings flying past me, I think about where I dream to be. Now that it is ahead of me, I don't know what to do but continue to dream. Its like I have been conditioned so well to impossibility in my life that when it is there I can't help but be astonished . How will I be able to sleep? How will I breath when I see the ocean again? My long lost friend, missed dearly in this crazy position and journey I have gone down. I went into the ocean a different person than I am today, the ocean changed me in the most fulfilling way.

I realized something today that was redundant in a way, but perpetually wonderful at the same time. I love Colorado, in the summer. It is like that moment of barren nothingness, that cold tomb I become sealed in, makes the blessing of sunshine and summer warmth more wondrous to behold. More sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and even tastes flourish in my soul as if my happiness is a young seedling growing exponentially with each new ray of sunshine. The sun shines in summer, the clouds reflect it, the clouds release their joy as well to feed the life below them. Is a rainbow not a brilliant display of the metropolis of diversity that springs forth from its showers of wealth? I am like a farmer that would rather have the diverse crops of the world than the wealth of man.

Who needs money when you have rich soils? That is a joke, but it is also meant to make you think. To change perspectives on what is wealth.

So yes, I will admit it, I will miss Colorado. I realised that when I saw Stanley lake tonight, the wind ripples created in the lake made a perfect illusion of dancing water droplets that I could see all the way from the road. The color of the lake was just like the sky, dark evening blue. The moon was out over the lake but somehow the sun was giving its last showers of light to keep the dusk hue. The mountains were bathed in clouds that were the same color blue so it looked as if you could see the moisture gathering on that rigid granite backbone of the Rockies. I realised for just a second I would miss summers here, when green seemed to take on a more gorgeous hue of life.

And it is with this I do not know what to do, I want to finish school. I desire to satisfy that little dream in my head, to be a professor. Oh its a little dream but it has so much significance. This would mean 6 years in Hawaii, that is a long time. I know I would not forget those friends, but I do not know if they would forget me. I am given the saddest choice I could ever make, to be with the people I love or to follow my dreams. Could they be together? yes, but different people have different dreams. Together yes, but to satisfy the dreams of another you must give up a little of yours. WHY???? Like that moment in the mountains when it comes down to it I love life, so much more matters than some minor obligation, SO MUCH MORE MATTERS. If I could suddenly fly in this moment I wouldn't stay to finish my work, I wouldn't even stay to finish my meal, I would go to those forests. I would fly through the Lianas and skim the mighty amazon river. I would follow it down every cascading waterfall and I would spiral upwards in every valley, valuing every second of being alive, I would be alive. It is no surprise why the birds desire to sing all the time, They dance as well. The best kind of dancing, with no gravity to withhold anything.

"It feels like Earth's gravity, is just here, to pull us down." ~Mudvayne

One of my old favorite bands.

Here are some cool thoughts I had while doing a crapload of work;


"If you want to see an example of mans ego, watch how shocked he will be when after he is gone; life goes on."


"If we lived in a world that was only green in color, would we not have dreams that were exclusively green as well?"

Hokule'a

Raindrops, they hamper my vision

Falling down and cutting incisions,

in my mind

While we sail away our time

Blow makani, shout jubilation
Carry us down to our destination

O wikiwiki, a keala Tahiti

Millions of stars up in the sky
Looking up they all make us high, but

Hokule'a, Star of Gladness (you're the
happy star)

Oh, Hokule'a, Star of Gladness

Stand beside me and be my friend
make me smile and laugh again, yes

Hokule'a, you're the Star of Gladness
(you're the happy star)

Oh,Hokule'a, Star of
Gladness

Bridge:

Lift your bow, your hull
slides through the
sea

Guide Hokule'a, Lord we ask you
please

In this we pray, Lord to
show us the way

Ah, Hokule'a, Star of
Gladness (you're the
happy star)

Oh,Hokule'a, Star of Gladness

x2

Ah Iz you have done it again! Nothing could describe how I feel more than this song right now. Thats what our group is, Hokule'a, the star of gladness.