Question to Derek

This is a question that I asked Derek when he was having a "philosophical" discussion with Joey on the meaning of life, I asked him,

"Derek; I don't think the question is 'what is the meaning to life' I believe it is, whether there is a meaning at all."

Would it be foolish of me to desire to answer this question? Perhaps......

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the peopleLiving for today...


Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the peopleLiving life in peace...


You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the peopleSharing all the world...


You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

~john lennon


Sometimes, there is no better way to explain something than with a song. Although it is so hard for us to imagine that we do not have a purpose, try to think for a second that our only purpose was to live. It does not have to be monotonous, thats the beauty of it. What is it to live? What does it mean to live as a human being? We naturally desire for a higher cause, for a higher purpose. What is so wrong with that? So if you were to imagine that there was no higher meaning to life, why would you think that to just "live" is to just survive?

Imagine that we had the ability to make our lives what we want them to be. Thats not so hard. Imagine we had unlimited capabilities, the ability to work towards our dreams. Its easy if you try. Why should a person despair if they do not immediately satisfy their goals? Why should a person desire to live forever? Why can't a person be content with giving another person of their blood the ability to thrive? Take a second to think about the human race as a whole, beings that have the capability to comprehend their environment, themselves, time, existance, everything! Wouldn't we have the capability to solve this life problem? can't I as a human comtemplate the life problem itself, whether there is one or not?

What if I was happiest living a life with an end? What if I was happiest living a life of discovery? What if I was happiest living a life of malcontent? What if I was happiest with life being a journey??

What than would heaven be for me?

What than would heaven be for the people who do not want their desires satisfied, and those people are out there.

What would heaven be for Jesus?

How would god's purpose be without earth; without man?

Is heaven/ hell based on the individual? Wouldn't that cause it to lose its purpose of being out of our control? Wouldn't that further our fate of no freedom of choice? Are we cursed to either not exist or exist forever with no way out when we are born? Should I curse my mother and father for bringing me into this world? Should I curse my creator for giving my soul the capability or fate to stay alive forever? Should I see life as just a passage onto the next life? as a part of the process? dare say, a catalyst for the next life? Or should I value life? Should I be given a life that I would enjoy fully because it is the only one I have?

Let me tell you what heaven kills; heaven kills glory. It defeats the purpose of any sort of recognition after you die. Heaven kills children, or more so the purpose for children. Why the hell do christians have so many children???? So contradicting! They are going to live forever, there is no need for procreation. If god wanted more children he could make more children couldn't he? There is no where in the bible that says you have to have children. If it is more pure to have children than mother teresa was one of the worst sinners of all. The bible does not say to embrace your natural inclinations, as a matter of fact these are considered evil. To want sex, is evil. To covet, is evil. It seems like to desire, is evil. A temptation that is not pure. It seems like what you said Eric, human nature is innately evil. hahaha! You interpreted it perfectly, Life is something we should be repelled by isn't it? Life is just something to be overcome right? So why is it a common modern christian ideal to maintain abstinance until marriage and have a shitload of kids? They are comfortable with that, but a true christian is not comfortable with that. Yes, Jesus did say to give away your possessions. As shocking as this is, people can see a family as something they posses. Life can be something you posses. Like they all say; lay down your life for the lord! Give it all up to him, right?

There are so many contradicting idiosyncrasies with christianity it is not even funny. But a religion shouldn't be something that we could understand right? It should be higher, something that is not mortal. All religion can be just as hypocritical or further from the truth. Ah, truth, what an optimistic desire. Truth can be a religion as well. I have been using it as one. That mayby, perhaps, there is one truth to all things. But who is to say there is?

That is why I love this song, Let us not invest our entire life into one truth, or have "faith" in one thing lets say; but rather, imagine the possibilities. Is imagination such a sin?

The lines of this song are perfect; above us only sky. What a free world this place would become. What is one of the explainations for an afterlife? Because it would hurt too much for there to not be one, because it is unimaginable any other way. But what I am trying to say is that it doesn't have to be. Suddenly the world becomes such a beautiful place when you have to leave it. Suddenly the lakes, mountains, trees, an all those other features become so beautiful. Is that so bad? Suddenly you love your fellow man more when you know that you will have to leave them. Suddenly all those things that you have been pressured by your fellow man (or yourself) do not matter when life was meant to be enjoyed. Is that so bad?

When you take away the need to work for a god, what do people do with that compassion to serve something/someone? I will tell you, They work for a better world and lives for their fellow man and children. Suddenly, without having to worry about your own damnation, children become more precious. Is that so bad?

So try to imagine a world with me, a world where it is just you, and your best friends. A place where nothing matters but your love for them. Your love for the world. Your love of life. A place with freedom. Everyday you satisfy your own needs, even your wants. Everynight you look your friend into the eyes before you sleep, just to wake up and see them one more day. There is no higher meaning than what you desire there to be. Suddenly there is a higher meaning that satisfies your soul. Everynight is an anticipation of the greater days to come. Isn't that what we have been told all of our lives? To live everyday like it is your last?

wouldn't the greatest joy of life to be living everyday like it is your last, while knowing that there will be so many greater tommorows?

I know it is the greatest joy of mine.

Something more personal

If there is anything that I take for granted it is language. I have always thought, "how the hell can you major in speaking???" Because it seems like such second nature. I also, regretably, have felt for the longest time that anything involved in the study of humanity is pointless; useless. But once in a while I do see the beauty in humanity, believe it or not. As I also once in a while feel no need for society (ok, mayby a lot!) But once again, in complete narrow mindedness and total irony, I hate narrow mindedness. hahaha. Hate, a generally narrowing emotion. Hate, something that spawns ignorance like garbage spawns flies and maggots. Although I imagine there are some coincidences where hate possibly does something benificial, it is the more limiting of desires. And notice I say desire, because I believe hate and resentment go hand in hand. Something that some people follow more passionately than almost anything. Revenge is a dish best served cold, what an aweful phrase. There is so much time vested in vengence that it borders with total ludacris.

But to get back on the subject of the study of humanities. I always felt that mankind is something that is not worth studying, because it is like studying yourself. Whether we like it or not we have some sort of connection between each other. (I really hope I don't have to explain that last sentence.) I always felt that mankind was something not worth studying because it is so subject to change and can go on the most obscure paths. But at the same time, wow! Isn't that the beauty of it? Now let me tell you why I still do not strive to go down that path, of humanity. Because I believe that what we see in man, the beauty that is in us, is a beauty that is prevalent throughout all life. A species is a species because it can be. But here is something that I take for granted even more than the study of humanity, the study of language. or more like, the beauty of language, speech, and thought.

Notice I say thought, because I believe that falls under the same category. Every conversation you have with someone shares a common thought flow (although the relatedness varies, the thought is shared.) We always talk about what a gift it is for us to have such comprehension, our great brains. We have souls, we have desires, we have so much. Apparently we have a higher cause. But what is the use of all those things without the gift of communication? of speech? What a gift it is for me to actually have a fellow human being to convey my thoughts to. For that person in turn to respond, provoke my thoughts! ah! how nice. For a feeling to be shared amongst people, thus amplified perhaps? Suddenly our lives have more significance, we have fellow beings. We care for each other. How cheesey. but so taken for granted. But rarely understood or given perspective. Take a look at who you have closest to you. What a gift they are. They give you so much more meaning. Whether that meaning is for something productive, significant, who gives a damn!? At least there is meaning! But let me tell you one thing as well, what is that meaning without the ability to convey it? Language. This one will be short and sweet. Go home early, my gift to you. ha.

Leaving the Herd

Although I so strongly desire to leave this place, to see the world/inherit the earth. Although I believe I will be happiest in these places of my childhood dreams, there is a monster in the back of my mind. Oh damn my intellect! For every desire there is a swarm of thoughts, of logic that tells me otherwise. Like I said, is it wiser to ignore certain emotions (desires) or is it wiser to understand them. I have imagined what I will do when I get to Hawaii over and over again, I have imagined what I would do when I go to California again. I would burst out of whatever doors I would be behind, and run fully clothed into the ocean. I would do a full blown jump and belly flop/dive into the next cascading wave. I always imagine the biggest wave I experienced during my visit to the ocean. I want something that will crash onto me with all the collected power of the ocean.

The ocean is such an amazing concept. It is hard for me to describe what it is like to not experience a wave until you can fully appreciate it. The best way to describe it is a push from god. Not in a cheesey, hes calling me kind of way. It is like raw power. Like the force of a whole world (which it quite literally is.) pushing you back. It is like god plunged his fist into the water on the other side of the world and you are just feeling the miniscule leftover remnants of the vast amount of water mass that was moved. Just the fringe of something powerful. But I am just describing what its like not what it is. I have no idea what would happen if god felt the desire to do such.

Another thing about the ocean is how it is ever replenishing, the sand washes over itself in such a fast process it just baffles my mind. It is ridiculous, I am not sure if you have done the same thing I have but in my mad crazy search for sea shells I sometimes carry too much to handle and some of my most favorite ones will fall into the water. And man! does the sand and waves swallow that object fast! Your chances for finding that thing go down dramatically in a matter of milliseconds. I have never reclaimed any object I have lost to the sea. I also love how if I stand still in the part where the ocean and sand are relatively equal, my elevation sinks slighty every wave. Than my feet get buried at the same rate. the first time I felt this I fell over. It was too strange, But it soon turned to simply amazing.

But as great as the world is; as easy as it is to fall in love with it. there is a small part of the world that we sometimes take for granted, or have no idea about. It is the people. Now I say this is a small part because that is mostly my personal opinion. But think about it.......

what do we go through more in our lives, people or places? (stay out of this one flight attendants! even so there are hundreds of people on an airplane going to one place so technically I am right. a ratio of 100:1)

What is more precious revisiting an old friend, or revisiting an old place?

What changes more? (for better or worse...) people or places?

It is not just the places that can give us total joy and comfort, it is the people. That is the monster in the back of my head. The one that says I cannot go to Hawaii alone (LEO! *shrill annoying voice*) I believe the people is the overflow of a place, what sets joy on the tipping point. For me personally. Its the people that can fill those gaps. When all is filled, it may seem like there is no diversity to joy/happiness. But there very much can be. We have lived our whole lives in such a wide spectrum of emotions, and from what I hear, life is hard. So sometimes joy can be the most diverse significant emotion. When joy becomes its greatest, so can sadness, so can purpose. I mean it, joy can be more than it seems. It is how you use it. Joy can be the greatest motivation. You can't just teach a dog tricks by beating it when it does wrong, you gotta give it treats. Joy can build a foundation of confidence, courage, and wisdom. The greatest thing about places is that they can't go anywhere. You can visit a place when your good and ready, or it can sneak up on you sometimes. I know California did. But at the same time the greatest thing about people is that they can sometimes fill your life at the most vital opportune moment. Suddenly every coincidence has great meaning. Suddenly they fill every coincidence. What a gift from the havens to give us two joys, the world and its people. But at the same time it can be the greatest curse in certain instances. But that can be dependant on your perspective as well.

I was givin a choice tonight, and I have a feeling that I will be given this choice many more times. I saw my destiny right in front of me. The one I talk about, the world open before me, The opportunity to leave. I heard the "go ahead" sign barking and yelping in front of me. A wild welcome, an ancestral one. For a moment I firmly believed that they would let me run with them, but they quickly stopped. I was at that moment again, given another chance to choose. Behind me a beloved comforted life, but in front of me the wild mystery and of course destiny. It didn't help that it was dark, which gave it more prospects for depth and future and also a quick un-noticed escape. But while I looked and thought, the path to go back felt too comforted. The path in front felt like it was not the time yet. There was still much to learn and of course finish. But that is how I do end up wanting to leave, with everything unfinished, so that I can come back. But at the same time, how nice would it be to not come back? After all, nobody wants to come back to earth when they go to heaven, right? But I finally decided that it was not time yet. But it is close, I can hear it, feel it, and all around sense it.

Two paths diverge in a wood, and I choose the one less traveled by, but why? Well because I wan't to give the plants sufficient room to take back the badly beaten path before it gets too large. Gotta give a chance to those pioneering sucessional species.

Just about everything "life is good"

There is a reason why this picture is my background (pictured above^). It is the only habitat where the polka dot frog dendrobates mysteriosus resides. That singular hillside. It is also absolutely stunning. All of nature is. I have lived in Colorado all of my life, 18 years. And no matter what; It amazes me everyday.

The vast fields and their shadowed contours.

The blueish mountains that make me think of campouts and my father playing guitar while singing through the whole forest with the whole church in chorous.

The lichen, oh god the lichen! Don't get me started on the lichen. The algae/fungus flows and thrives across the granite boulders in perfect symbiotic beauty.

The pine needles under my feet and the pure mountain air. ahhh. smells good every time.

The mountain stars; unadulterated by light.

In case you didn't know, I LOVE the colour green. So what a gift it is by nature to give me trees that are always green! The conifers. Their bark could be a part of the mountains themselves. Everytime I see them, it is always a random memory synapse of flutes; yes, flutes, people singing, a fire, me with my dog at my feet, and the greatest place to temporarily put your mind, into the fire itself. But most of all, the nature around me. Every campout ended in an argument with my mom about wether or not I could bring home all the rocks, sticks, mosses, plants, bugs, salamanders, and assorted organisms home. We will be doing a lot of these this summer (not the arguments of course.)

I was thinking early on tonight (which was last night, I had to save and quit), I was thinking about dirt. How do you feel about dirt? Better yet, how would you feel living in it? What if you spent your life immersed in dirt? What goes on in that dark underworld? Ever since I was little I wanted to dig tunnels under my backyard and live in them; Crawl in them; make my own little catacombs out of them. When I look at dirt now I think of decomposition and that elaborate process that means so much to our life here on earth. Why do we litter? let me tell you why, because we are so used to knowing that whatever we throw onto the ground will somehow dissappear if given enough time. Could you say that we are too comfortable with that luxury? I could not tell you.

I am a naturalist, but not an environmentalist. Because although we are different from other species, what are we but our adaptions? It is the natural inclination for a human to be resourceful. It is the natural inclination of all species to survive. and that is all we have done. Nothing can leave the earth. It is all contained by gravity. Those resources we use just become re-arranged. Everything that occures in the universe is just re-arrangements of molecules. If the environmantalists were true to their nature they would allow the temporary destructive path of humans. Because it is only destroying ourselves. Environmentalists should know that they cannot change human nature. Thats why I say, give the people an alternative not an ultimatum. Lead by example, not by assumed authority.

Here is a qoute from one of my favorite teachers, Steve Kaye, " A species is a species because it can be." It took me a while to understand the meaning of that. But it has always been what I believe. To bring forward in complete overkill I will say the Nietzche qoute, "The greatest mistake man could make is to believe he is the sum and measure of all things." but these qoutes go hand in hand. The biggest explaination for why we have a higher cause is that we are the top of the food chain, the most advanced. This is so wrong its not even funny. We are no more advanced than a common housefly. In terms of advancement a species can be defined by how long it has survived on earth and its relation to its original form. How much have we changed from our common ancestor? Not as much as you could say for other species. If you were to count success as the longest lasting species, we could lose there as well. There are trees that have seen the end of the dinosaurs. We have barely been around for a geologic blink of an eye. We are not better than any other species or worse, a species is a species because it can be. Each species on earth has adapted perfectly to its situation. That is nothing that we as humans can judge. Can we live underwater? I guess the fish made the best of that situation better than we ever could have. What is the use of our brains if we were put into a different situation? What use does a parameceum (small single celled organism that lives in water.) have of deep thought? The deep thinking parameceum do not survive. Sure we are advanced, but in relation so is a mollusk.

We are the product of thousands of generations of organisms before us, working as hard as they can to get us here. To bring the viewpoint to a more narrow understanding, our generation (as in me and you.) is the work of all our forefathers working lifelong to provide us the tools to live; and by procreation, our lives themselves. And finally if you believe in such a thing; to bring the viewpoint to its highest, life itself was the product of God hard at work. So if you are ever confronting this god, keep in mind how much he has actually done, and how much you really do not know about him. Which gives me a new question, Do followers of god or even prophets, believe that they truly know and understand him? Because although they say they do not, they make judgements on people and decisions that say they do.

But another feeling that can be derived from dirt and decompisition is dark. It is of death. Although we are not aware of it, we are going to have to become very well aquanted with the dirt and our new decomposing neighbors. The feeling I get is not that I am going to be aware of myself decomposing, its that it is going to happen. Now I will ask all the questions that I was too afraid to ask Steve after class;

Could you revert the lack of variation in a small inbred population of endangered animals if you promoted mutations for evolutionary change?

What if we had more than one common ancestor? What if the evolutionary tree was upside down and it is narrowing with time? After all the structures and functions of a cell can happen spontaneously why couldn't it have happened more than once? Or even latter on in time. Since evolution and speciation can be random, why can't something more basic towards the first species come forth again? or constantly?

Could evolution revert back towards an old design? Could this happen to a single species? Since enviroment plays a vital role, could this happen. what happens when an Island is eroded into an atoll? Do the terrestrial species adapt, leave, or die? Couldn't the rate of this process allow favorable mutations?

If sensitivity to change is favorable, could it be favorable to vibrant? (long story here, and check it out I said my dislaimer schpeel just like I promised;
an organ system designed for “sensitivity” (fight the greyness all rights reserved to chelsea baines and corp. Chelsea Baines is not held responsible for loss of sensitivity or nerve tissues in general, failure to fight the greyness will result in permanent loss of hair and a final housing fee of 15$, fight the numbness, vibrancy might be vital to survival.)

keep in mind I did this in my notes, so it was not necessary at all. Sometimes it feels so much like people can see what I do its not even funny.

I don't know why I did not ask these questions to you Steve, but there always seemed to be some sort of barrier. I will try to answer them on my own someday.

I am so sick with Biophillia its not even funny. Today I checked off 6 tree species and one bird off of my list. I decided I love pinyon pine's and birds are so much more diverse than I perceived them to be. I watched this red sided blackbird do 4 different calls each one stranger than the next. I kept having to look around to see if another bird was making these new calls but each time to no avail. I love spring, and I love summer, I love life (both kinds of life. but mostly of other organisms.) The more and more I think about it the more I want to be a naturalist. Thats what I was trying to describe for so long. Be a nomad, devote my life to understanding Bios. (I really think the greek word for life represents it better than the english one.)

Here is a qoute from my favorite book, "The Fruit Hunters."

"After a fruit rots and decomposes, the seeds live on. Nature is a feedback loop, from putrefaction to perfection and back again.

Humankind only learned that seeds grow into plants around ten thousand years ago. The miracle of vegatative growth seemed to shed light into the mystery of our own lives. Seeds go in the soil - like dead people. Perhaps that meant that something equally magical might happen to our own bodies-and souls-after death."

speaking of which this is a great book and flippin' Rachel needs to flippin' read it and I need to stop flippin' forgetting to give it to her. and I feel like writing a poem,

What is life to me?

a platform for things, "to do"?

a medium between much better things?

Is it a looking glass for me to see?

Such further, more fantastic things

but of all things, such as life; meant to be free

So what is life to me?

Ah! a beetle walking cross my palm

so that is what life means to me

Nothing puts a better picture in my head than a poem, duress seems to spawn creativity. It seems when you give a person rules, that is when they will try to break them and in a way that they can be praised for. The rhythem of a poem not only paints a picture for your eyes, but for your ears as well. If I were to read a song about birds, I would more than likely hear those birds in the rhythem of the poem. Music is the ultimate joy of humanity, but so can be language. To combine the two, wow, what a dream! Oh wait; thats poetry.

So to sum up my random freight train of thoughts,

I am joyous to have someone who listens to what I have to say and my questions.

I am joyous to have someone who gives feedback and genuinely understands.

I am joyous to have someone who will always stand by my side.

I am joyous that this person desires my desires.

I am joyous that there is someone else who desires a higher cause as do I.

I am joyous that there is also someone who seeks the truth as do I.

I am joyous that there is a person I would sacrifice for, without the desire to be martyr, just to give this person life.

Wow, thats cool, I am joyous today, with the promise of being joyous forever. All of the sudden these things have not become a safety net but rather, The Noblest Cause!!!!!!!!!!!

Somewhere over the rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow, there will be my one place of redemption. The trees will welcome me with their giant green welcomes. The rain will give me one drop of happiness after another to slide down my hair and over my face. The water gives me life. the water gives me happiness. The greatest wonder of the world. The forests are deep and dark. Their primevil nature gives me life with each wave of primal energy after the next.

The oceans will crash and roll; the birds and monkies will harmonize in ambience; the fruits will litter the ground and my eyesight swelling with colourful vitality; the wet grey clouds will be brimming with their unfathomable magnitude; the lianas and palms will provide my heavenly green canopy; Each bough of every tree will secure my steps; I will be smothered in life, completely enveloped with vivacious greens, light blues, dark browns, blasts of mist, and wind loosely winding around my hands. The ultimate closure of my deepest heartfelt desires, to fully embrace, a place where I can shut my eyes and open them with utmost content. A place where I cannot sleep every night. Not because of that burning desire but rather, its polar opposite. In anticipation of days rivaling my greatest happiness from the prior.

This is one of the Harder nights, I can make it, I could will a night like this over and over again for a weekend like this one. But what a hard night, do you ever get those nights where you are so lonely you just need something to hold? A hug can go a LONG way. I can live without it, until it happens. I could be alone, until I meet those special people. It was not so hard, until I realised how happy I could be. Ah but I dared it to be this way. HA! I dared life to give me its best shot in every waking moment of lonliness. HA! I laugh at every torment.

For as long as I am given a single moment of happiness, The moments of sadness have no bearing on my soul. For as long as my lonliness is consistant, I can know what to expect. Ah, the power of the human brain. It has the ability to forget what it does not desire and the ability to remember every joy. What a joy it was to watch those tapes of the Phillipines. what a joy it was to write every word he translated for me! Anok, sarup, lawai, keeta, bata, nigh nigh, nung sarup!

Is it wiser to disregard our emotions or is it wiser to understand them? One of the many questions of life.

Humpback whale dream

This ranks among the strangest and most emotionally significant dreams I have ever had.

It starts out with me and my brother being in my old room in my old house which is remotely similar to my new room because it had the same bed I have now. I do not quite remember but I think my brother is in the room on and off and doesn't say much of anything.

I do remember sitting on my bed and looking at my brown carpet that I have been so familiar with all my life. I also remember this was a much more detailed dream than I have had before. I suddenly had this feeling like my bed was unstable and floating on water. I also soon saw that my carpet was rippling and swelling like ocean water. It was still brown and never became clear like water it was like liquid carpet.

Also suddenly I hear the sound of a humpback whale call. It is very soothing and syrene. I look down at the carpet and see part of the whales humpback sticking out. What was strange about the dream was that the whale was perfectly to scale in my room so it never fully got out of the water. It just kept re-appearing and I was so mystified by it. It also was so strangely real because I have never seen a whale in person before. I remember at one point the whale came up and put its nose out of the water. This thing was huge and amongst the fear in me the extreme fascination took over and I reached out to touch it. The whale was so beautifully coloured with algae (my favorite color always has and will be green. especially when it is accented by blue) When I touched the whale it let out another loud yet soothing call. It was such a beautiful moment it is hard to describe.

But than after I am done petting the whale I start to realise how deep the water under my room must be to have a whale under it and my desire kind of teleports me underneath my room in my house. The song vicarious by tool starts playing and I see my bed floating high above me with clear rainbow coloured water tubes leading up to it that are the same size as my room. The best way to describe how these tubes looked is like when you blow bubbles and the light reflecting off the bubble creates a kind of clear rainbow color to the bubble. It looked like that. But anyways this song is playing and suddenly I see all these whales slowly swimming in unison through the tubes up towards my room. I started to feel a great sense of insight towards life, the whales, and my room. It felt so spiritually significant.

but this was quickly replenished with comprehensive thought because I woke up after this part and lost all those feelings. But it was one of my greatest dreams none the less.


I beleive I will also tell you about the scariest dream I ever had. I had it recently, like within the past year.

It started out where me and my family were eating at a KFC in the middle of the mountains. I do not know why. It also seemed like more of a sit down restaurant and had a creepy feel with dirty white tiles and an overall old worn look. I was taking longer to eat than my family was so they decided to meet me at the car. I started to feel unease and tried to eat as fast as I could and all I remember after that was bringing my tray to the trashcan and suddenly I was in a back room chained to the floor.

I fully understood what was going on at this point, I was going to be killed in some sort of sick way and mayby fed to the customers. There was a large fat man that looked like the guy from texas chainsaw massacre talking to himself while he was butchering this person in front of me. The scariest thing I remember about this dream, and it makes me feel nervous just thinking about it, was that there was this sad song being played in the background of my dream just like in a horror movie. It was a violin playing long, sad, delayed notes. But it was sad in a twisted death oriented way. While this was going I was sitting there wishing I didn't want to die and the fat man suddenly turned around to me and demanded I read from this book. It had a passage and organization just like the bible but it said the most gruesome fucked up things I ever read with many things that hitler said. This fat man had underlined parts in the book with heavy dark lead scratches of words like, hate, and death. stuff like that. while he made me read this book I noticed my family came into the restaurant. I was so helpless, he looked at me and told me not to scream and smiled as he walked out to greet them. they were asking for me and he told them I was not here and they believed him and left. At this point I lost it and somehow broke free from my chains and threw the book onto the ground.

I ran out of the restaurant and started running towards what I assumed was the main town in this little mountain community. I was at the top of a huge hill that had large wooden hiking trail like steps that cascaded down into the town. There were lots of people walking up and down the stairs but they gave me these looks that were just like the fat guy so I was getting paranoid and freaked out. I started jumping down these steps at record speed and I heard this huge fat guy from the restaurant running after me. I ran so fast and went into this building that turned out to be a courthouse and bursted into the middle of a court case. The judge was this bald middle aged man. He demanded what I was doing in the courtroom and I shouted that the kfc was serving human parts to people. Everyone let out a gasp and started murmuring and the judge said please sit in the witness chair.

The fat guy was not far behind me and when he came in the judge looked at him with disgust and told the cops to seize him. He put him on the stand and started hammering him. the guy explained himself and my family was suddenly in the courtroom. The judge than says to the guy, "shame on you, for letting him get out. Shame on you for letting outsiders know what you are doing. Now I am going to have to clean up after the mess you made." Suddenly as he says this I look at my hands and my nails are starting to grow long and fill with dirt underneath them. I start freaking out and clawing them on the desk as everyone in the courtroom starts to stare at me with these wild sadistic eyes. When I see my family doing the same and especially my mom, I freak out to the point of waking up.

I then wake up with a gasp and start almost hyperventalating. I am staying the night in another persons house so I freeze and look at my surroundings not knowing where I am. I start freaking out and asking for help from my friends sleeping. suddenly I am overtaken by shock when I see that the blanket formed over my friends body is in the perfect shape of some sort of alien monster sleeping on the couch. I literally sat paralysed in fear for 30 minutes and started to asses what was really going on. Whenever I shut my eyes I heard that aweful music so I could not go back to sleep for a while.

That was one of the scariest dreams I ever had and once again these are open for interpretation. more so the first one.

Rain, how I miss you

When was the last time it rained here? Colorado has the exact opposite climate of what I love. It is dry and lifeless here. I love humidty, rain, and moisture. water in general is an amazing element of earth. When it boils down to it (no pun intended), water is almost impossible to describe. How would you describe water to a person supposing it was possible for them to not experience it? As a matter of fact how could you describe anything to a person without relating to experience? A question that I used to always ask was how do you describe to a person who has always been blind, what colour is? What would it be like to be stripped of all of our senses? Would a person still have the capability to think and be as creative as what we presume ourselves to be? Are we really bound by our senses and perceptions that much?

What would happen if a person was born into a world without other people? Would this person desire the same things that normal people desire? Once again it is the question of nature vs. nurture. I also have stated before what if it is a question of nature vs. nuture vs. creator? Or could it even be nature vs. nurture vs. chaos? I am going to diverge for a second on the subject of chaos. Assuming that nothing in the universe was planned for a second. That everything is random, which could be perfectly probable. This would mean that we as humans and life in general is a random product. But I ask the question that if we were to decide between two things, that existance is random or that it is planned, what makes each one more plausible than the other?

I always hear the phrase, nothing rivals that of a childs imagination. What if I was to say that, nothing rivals the imagination of a human? What if I was to say that we choose our realities? The simple fact that we can understand and question our own existence could prove our imaginative powers to be true. If a person wants to believe that they posses something or that anything happens, can nobody but themselves dictate whether or not it is true? This is assuming that this person is alive and able to think these thoughts. Although it is impossible to take away a persons beliefs after they die, does this make them imortalised in existance itself? I would say no, although it is impossible to take away a persons last thoughts or seize control of any persons true thoughts, a person cannot imortalise these thougths into the universe. But what if this person were to pass these thoughts onto offspring? than the thoughts live on. But they seem to have the lifestyle of a virus. Just to inject its thoughts or DNA into a hoast to manipulate it. If the definition of a successful species is to be able to survive long enough to reproduce than the virus has it down to a science. If a persons goals were just to imortalise their thoughts onto the next generation they could very easily accomplish that much.

Thats it! I will tell you on what sort of level I want to change the world. I will tell you my greatest discourse in life! The greatest fears of mine and the greatests plagues as well. Oh how what I feel, feels so pure, so divine, so much higher than what I am. But at the same time it feels like such a burden, a sad realization. I do not want to set a change in humanity, that is something that seems to be answering an answer to an already unsolved question. Perhaps, life is the answer to something. That is what I truly feel. But what is the question? I feel like there is so much to this world than man. I feel there is so much to this world than life. I feel the desire to change existance. I have gotten my chance to do it just like every other living organism before me. All mankind looks like to me is a bunch of failed attempts to find answers. I do not want to change the world, I feel the desire to. I cannot explain it. I just feel the desire to stop this pattern that is life. It feels like this purpose to life to survive and reproduce was just one of several opportunities to take. It feels like I have to do something to change the whole world. Not just this world of the present but to reconcile the world of the past and future as well. If god planted this seed of life what was the purpose for it?

Isn't it strange that every living organism's highest desire is to make copies of itself to vicariously live forever? To give a similar organism like it a chance to do something?

Isn't it strange how this is the only pupose of life? To keep it alive? Why would life desire to stay alive unless it was to accomplish something more? Life cannot procreate for the purpose of procreating again to no ultimate cause, that would be redundant.

If life had the ability to start without the help of a creator wouldn't life not have the need to diversify or procreate? when it just happens randomly anyways?

What if all we are going to become is just some sort of strange "blip" or freak occurence in the random book of time. Like a rare stone or etching in the earth.

Why would life in general stay alive and have the need to make copies of itself to give itself another chance to do something? To stay alive one more time? If not for something.

But yet I have still not answered this question, are we the result of chaos or planned action? When a person tells me, " everything happens for a reason." I cannot help but think, " that is the question isn't it?" because to me both answers are very probable one with just as much credibility as the other.



But I went off on a random string of thoughts here. I was going to talk about how sweet rain is; but that is something that I cannot tackle with so little time. So here are my thoughts on the ocean from a paper I wrote in english, it may be a bit wordy but like going on a journey I sometimes just let my feet do the walking or in this case my mind do the talking:




Now to say that my first experience of the ocean was when I set eyes on it would be unfair and an understatement. The first time I experienced the ocean was when I stepped foot out of LAX several miles inland. I first experienced the ocean when I felt the blast of ocean air into my nostrils.

My smelling nerves went fanatic for this new refreshing smell. It was as if a wave crashed in front of me and sprayed directly into my face. The beauty of this was that the smell never went away and as we serpentined through the busy streets I rolled down the window and, like a dog, put my face out and looked at the tall slender palm trees towering above us as the smell made its course.

After that what prepared me for the smell could never prepare me for the sight of that blue horizon. The road didn’t go directly to the beach and neither did the parking lots. As my mom was complaining about the current lack of parking situation I laughed inside, because that was what I wanted. I wanted to walk outside and soak in my environment first hand. What a dangerous place to be! I would have wandered for miles if my family was not there.

Suddenly we had stopped, we found a spot. Was I really that hypnotized by the wonderful canopy outside the car that I had not realized we had stopped? It didn’t matter because I was ready to go to the beach in a matter of seconds and it didn’t take long for me to be awkwardly running through the sand.

The vastness took a second for me to take in at first and my attention was immediately drawn forward by the loud crash of a wave directly in front of me. As the after burn of the wave seeped at record speed towards my feet I hesitated realizing that I was in my jeans, (oh yah that’s why I got there so fast I just ran with my clothes on!). But I just let it hit my feet. And as if the water vapor in my nose and the spectacle of blues and whites in front of me weren’t enough, the cold water overtook me.

It was going so fast that my feet caused it to spray up my leg and across my body. The best reaction I could muster was a laugh and a giant goofy smile. For a good while I just stood looking at the waves laughing like a fool and absorbing the shock in my body from the cold water. Until I noticed that my feet were completely buried into the sand. Out of complete bewilderment and absent mindedness I fell backwards into the water and gave myself a long soaking ride in the car back to the hotel in a matter of seconds.

I managed to pull my feet out of the sand before the next wave hit and this time I watched my feet the whole sequence. The sand covered my feet and sunk me an inch downward at the same time. What a weird feeling. I watched again after the next wave hit and then I started to notice I could feel the grains of sand rolling over the tops of my feet. How often has that feeling happened to my feet, never?

Regrettably looking at the sand also caused me to notice several other things. I saw these straight lines being etched in the sand after the backwash of the waves like an etch a sketch on overdrive. Waiting for the next sequence I reached down and grabbed a fist full of sand and felt a dozen bugs writhing in my hand. My first reaction was to throw my hand straight into the water and recoil.

As I considered trying it again I already found my hand in the sand having another go. This time I opened my hand and saw the coolest little flea looking crustaceans skipping through the mold of sand in the center of my palm. This was the finishing punch to my brain to knock me out in complete senseless joy.

Pretty soon I was grabbing more sand and collecting the little bugs one by one in my free hand. This was one of those times when I felt that all too common, too good to be true feeling and indeed it was right.

When I finally decided to take a dive forward into the crashing waves I did so with an open mind and an open mouth. Before my legs followed my body into the water I got the most bitter granulated taste in my mouth. Salt! It did not taste of just salt the water also tasted of sand, minerals, and various other things to add to the bitter sting. My head was instantly out of the water and my hands were instantly on my tongue rubbing the nastiness away. It did not take me long to have flashbacks of my childhood friends telling about their visits to the ocean and about how not to taste the water. How could people consider drinking this stuff I said to myself thinking about the survival shows on the discovery channel and how they say not to drink the ocean water even if you are dehydrated. As if that would make you feel any better.

Before I knew it I heard my name being called to the car and I looked back knowing I would be there again even if it killed me.

Night cont....

There is one aspect of night that I did not address, This one is quite possibly the best thing to happen to the night; The Blackout. A power outage is one of my most favorite occurences in our little lives in the suburban sqwauler that is Arvada. I can remember each and every one.

The earliest one I remember happened during Y2K. Yea I know what Irony! My dad, Joey, and I sat at our round table in the dark with a large flashlight pointing at the ceiling. We all talked about Y2K and what would happen. One of my more fond memories.

The next one was short and all I remember was getting way too excited and lighting all the candles in the house; just to let the lights come back on when I finished.

The next one was quite interesting because that was when I convinced this girl not to commit suicide. but I changed my mind its not interesting. hahaa

The one after that was the best one, It was when I was in fiveparks and it was the longest lasting one. It lasted a good 3 or 4 hours. Immediately when it happened I went straight outside and the view took my breath away. All the houses lights were out. It was like the end of the world and I loved it! I remember wanting it to stay that way forever. But anyways I went outside and Immediatley let out a yell of joy and ran around my block. When I came back I stood on my driveway and decided to run around in the street when all of the sudden my neighbor was standing under a street light 10 feet away just staring not saying a word. That scared the living shit out of me! I did not hear, see, or feel his presence at all. He didn't say anything and went back towards his house. Me and my dad then walked to the view at deadmans drop to see if the rest of the neighborhoods were out and had a good talk. I cannot remember what it was about though.

A blackout night is something primal. No matter what. I love it too. When the lights go out people immediately huddle together and flock to each other in the house. Saying things like are you ok? That instinct just kicks in right away. You cannot help but think, "wow, we really do depend on light" I wish it could be like that all the time. It is even weirder because most blackouts seem to only happen at night. Or mayby those are the only ones we remember.

The rarest thing and most joyous is a school blackout. Lighting candles at school is so much fun. So many fires....lol. I remember one blackout at school where every kid had their own candle. Everyone became a pyromaniac at that point.

I have never experienced a blackout night with a friend with me although. I hope it happens someday because that would be awesome.

I would also say that firelight or "candle light" is the coolest kind of light. It flickers and gives a warm feeling. A lightbulb feels too sterile, you could very easily feel cold under a florescent light. But with a candle. It feels warm and it exudes warmth with each sensulating flicker. and that is the best part of a blackout, lighting the candles and fireplace. I am telling you, nothing gets a family together better than a blackout. Screw that game night crap, it was unrealistic anyways. Just go out to the fusebox and pull on things until you get a result.

This is also why night in the mountains is better than anywhere else. Have you seen the stars in the mountains? phenomenal! It could captivate you for hours. How else could I describe the stars but wonder? When I look at the stars I cannot help but think," each one of these has planets next to it that could be the same as mine. Each one could be looking back at me. and talking about this also immediatly reminds me of the Lion king stargazing scene because thats what they do in it. When I look at the stars I try to see it to scale. When I do it the sky seems to widen and flucuate the more I try. It is amazing. Formations are pretty cool but the stars design themselves are amazing as is. I can see why the Mayans have spent centuries observing the stars. (and a little side note I love central and south american indigenous culture especially the mayans and aztecs.) Every time I see them in the mountains I always gasp no matter what. It looks like such a wonderfull collage of white powder and sparkling dots amongst a sea of black. And I really mean sea. If I saw it ripple or wave with dark forms swimming up in it I would not be surprised. (this makes me think of one of the best dreams I have ever had which I will mention near the end.) Another fun thing to do when there are a lot of stars out, and I used to do this when I was little, is to grab onto the grass with your hands and pretend like the earth is tilting upside down. And if you let go of the grass you will fall into space. I loved doing this and than ripping the grass one blade at a time pretending I was getting closer and closer to falling, oh no! Aaaaaahhhhhhhh.........! so fun. Why at night? It's weird, it is almost as if the black sky seems more like an abyss than when it is blue. Although it could also be fun to pretend the blue sky is water but I didn't have the awesome smarts I have now when I was a kid.

I think I am in love

Here is an artist that does body painting that I stumbled upon looking for dart frog vendors,

Mairsa Caichiolo. Her stuff is awesome. She painted some of these women to look like species of dart frogs. I would pay her to do that for me anyday! hahaha. but here are a couple of examples, starting from the beggining is the firebelly toad, and this format is aweful by the way. Curse you blogger! but starting from bottom is;

Firebelly toad, Dendrobates Azureus, Dendrobates Azuleo (might not be a real species), Pumilio "strawberry frog", and unlabeled by her but I am sure it is a pumilio and a tinctorius, and finally the pac man frog. which is totally ironic because the frog is so fat and the girl so small.

Oh an I thought I would add this chick she drew on. You know how I talk about how my favorite feature on a woman is her face. well this chick has one of the prettiest faces I have ever seen. I wish I could just crop the face but I couldn't. Wow, before I knew it my blog turned into low grade porn.

Fire and those thoughts that it brings out

I made a fire tonight in my firepit on the back porch. I brought out the guitar getting ready for some good old kum bai yah style moments, but by myself. It actually turned into a lot more discomfort than I expected. The fire started up right away. But the wind was blowing in my direction no matter where I sat it seemed, so I just stayed in one spot. I think I could have filled a bucket with tears by the time I was done.

I sat there playing and the smoke of the fire was collecting in my eye sockets constantly without any mercy. I decided to just squeeze my eyes shut and play on. The smoke also was contantly blowing in my nostrils and in my lungs. So I was in some minor pain. But I so enjoy fires so I was conflicted. I played for a while and than I got to my favorite song. that was the only point where I wasn't sure if it was smoke tears or real tears; but it felt good to just play into the song squeezing my eyes shut and putting my right ear closer and closer to the guitar as if that made it sound better in my ear. and than I felt that feeling I get all the time. Like somehow I was connected to someone. This was around 10 or 9 o clock not sure. But I always feel like my eyes are cameras in my life. Like sometimes people have the opportunity to look through my eyes in some moments. This can be people I know or sometimes I have no idea. But I have caught myself before, trying to explain why I did something to the "t.v. audience" in my head you could say.

But the feeling I get when I am playing music is different. It only happens when I play music. The best way to describe it is an extreme emotional connection or spiritual if you must. but man do I feel it. and I feel it all the time when I am playing songs. It is like the cry of the spirit or cry of the lonely; which is how I describe it. but it really feels like in that moment you are connected to someone. If there is any sign of god that could be it. It makes me want to play harder, to really invest my soul into the guitar itself, into the notes. I see a lot of things visually and when I think of a song I think of my hand in the position for it. The pattern it makes on the neck. It is like the music has so much more meaning to me than what I hear. I see my favorite songs as well. and feel them. I am going to go off on a tangent here but here is what I think of when I listen to the songs nothing else matters and the unforgiven by metallica. These are really personal to me and have major significance,

It starts out with Me and my friend Keenan. We are living our normal lives in modern day like normal. I think disaster strikes while we are riding bikes and than a car hits Keenan. He is in pain on the ground and I rush to him and as I hover over him something like an atomic bomb goes off and everything goes white.

We wake up in a grassy field in the middle of the night. The grass is deep. We start to find out there is no one left on earth through the years. Except one day we find two girls. I cannot quite remember but his girl has blond hair and mine has brown hair. Throughout the whole story (that I realise now) it is always night it seems. We become friends with the girls and eventually start families. I just remember intense day dreams when I was listening to the song of me and my girl running through the grassy field at night and going through forests and back to fields. Now that I think about it she has wavy hair.

but anyways we start families and (now I realise, but when I was imagining it with the song I didn't notice but we never grew old or died) somehow me and keenan become enemies through time. Him and I start having these little wars out of spite and this is where the song picks up and hits its apex. I just remember these were also intense visuals of him commanding at the back of the battle field looking at me with his girl by his side and me doing the same. Until I win a battle one day and kill keenan. I suddenly realise one of my "troops" aka sons, kill him and I go beserk, run up, and club him in the back of the head in anger. Because I realised I did not want to kill keenan. I rush to keenans side like at the car crash and the end of the song comes where the lyrics go, "and they call them the unforgivable" (give or take those lyrics might be wrong.) and suddenly the story rushes back to modern day and Keenan is on the ground on the street and he smiles before he dies. Of course I cry and it ends.

I just remember I would listen to those two songs and engage this story over and over again on road trips at night coming back from wyoming. I remember it was almost like a dream it was so enveloping and I enjoyed it so much that I looked forward to those songs. That is one of the reasons why I felt so alive in that stage of my life. It was middle school. Thats what I meant when I said, "I didn't want to grow up because I felt so right and I never wanted to be like the grown ups and be wrong." Like what i said in my latter postings.

and now I never experience the same thing with my music now. Kind of a dissapointment. hence the drugs. but they could never compare to those songs. and actually as I type this I want to go listen to them. but anyways I finish playing guitar because there are tears streaming down my face and my fingers are numb so it sounds like shit. I sit there and watch the fire go out and I start asking those questions that I used to ask so much, Is there a meaning to life? Are we just animals? Not literally animals but figurativily like we do things only to satisfy desires and maintain ourselves. and those desires change keep in mind. I mean all desires selfish or selfless. but than I realise what I realised at the end of my lonliness this year. Those 5 months in isolation. (and I am not trying to sound overly dramatic here, keep in mind this is personal things, for me I feel that isolation can very necessary to find out what you truly want. It was hell but I love hell remember?) That our meaning is what we choose, we have a meaning because we choose to*That was the moment where I remembered my philosophy going into this year, and I knew I was ready to go into the descent of thoughts again.

I also want to explain why I sometimes prefer sadness over happiness. It is because the highest point of my life, the greatest vibrant* peak of emotion I have had is in sadness. So those moments are the only ones that mean something to me. and they happen a lot. Sadness also seems to be the emotion that tends to lie less than the others (notice I say less than with no ultimatum). and knowing me truth is a big thing for me, because it leads to my favorite thing; discovery. This is true because happiness is something we desire. And just like anything we desire as humans we are willing to lie to get to it. Although sometimes we can lie to get to sadness, although I have noticed it is only for attention. You have seen these people, since birth people do this; little kids sometimes just cry to get attention from their mothers. My old friends cut themselves for attention. teenagers in general do. and to an even more disgusting level people do it in traumatic situations. These attention whores bring drama upon themselves for the compassion of others. and I hate to admit it but I am no better. I have done the same. I was disgusted with myself every time but I could live a lie pretty well. But that also made me very good at finding those kid of people.

Please do not tell anyone this but I have seen this in something that THOROUGHLY DISGUSTS me. Ryan Baileys death. People leech off of this like no other. and I could have almost puked when I saw it. I will not name who but man I am thoroughly disgusted with this person. Who gets on the internet and constantly sees the approval and sympathies of others. Who brags about how many hours he/she has not slept because of what happened. Who told me after the service, " did you see that? I started that theme that everyone was using. did you hear my speech?" All I hear from that is, "look I am the star. His death made me a star." that is absolutley disgusting. and I have watched this person behave like this since the moment I met him/her.

But there is much more lies in happiness than in sadness and that occures because of this thing called your conscience. When a person lies about their sadness they think deep inside of how pathetic they are and how lonly they are to want this attention. They truly do feel sadness but not in a way that people will be simpathetic to. and thats why I do not say anything to the attention whores. I just give them what they need.

I enjoy sadness because that is what teaches us the most lessons. and I love learning (about most things ;).) there is so much more that can be salvaged from sadness than happiness. But I will not say that is entirely true. Because some great things can be brought from happiness they just havent happened to me yet. The thing that I have learned in life is that is that you have to love desire itself, not the thing that you are desiring.


* (I wrote this down before I would forget it) Are we primal or are we more? or to delve further do we have a meaning or do we not? what is our meaning if we do? Our meaning is what we choose, We have a meaning because we choose to.

* I chose the word vibrant here because it was the best word to use because any other one represents happiness. Im not trying to infringe on your vibrancy theme.

Weird dream

I was at my house with Leo and my Dad. It was my birthday so my dad wanted to take me to a lake. I said ok so we left and I can't quite remember leaving but I do remember that we drove in seperate cars with Leo and my dad in a car behind me. I also do not remember the road up to this point but I know that all of the sudden the path looked unfamiliar to me. I remember being left with a choice of going right which was uphill with a bunch of houses and going left which was downhill with vegitation allover the road and generally allover the place. I decided to take the road on the left but also had the sneaking suspicion that it was the wrong way. As I drove down this road I heard my dad honking and looked to my right and saw Kevin Kurfman and Lauren in Laurens car in a coldasack and Kevin shouted at me ,"Your going the wrong way!" In a matter of fact/ you are an idiot kind of tone. I decided to stop to turn around and then I saw an amazing tree. It looked mostly like a Brugmansia which was a tree that I saw in California and is native to South America. It is basically a tree with large trumpet shaped red flowers that hang down. At least that was what tree was composed of at the top. At the bottom of the tree there was a ring of purple flowers that are reminisant of those velvety annuals that are at garden stores all the time. Throughout the tree there were random morning glory flowers interwound with the branches. These flowers are in the shape of stars if there was webbing between the points. I decided before I was going to the lake I would get some cuttings from this tree. I took the cuttings and put them into the back of the car and spit some water on them to keep them alive. I noticed while I was putting the cuttings in the back of the car I left the car running and it had driven to the NAC. I frantically climbed into the drivers seat while the car was driving down the road. I got in and took control and started to turn around. I got halfway and saw ralston valley on the way. there was a huge commotion there with lights and happy people like the red carpet and I assumed it was prom. I had to pull over and think about what I was going to do and there was a cop in front of the car and his badges and decorated suit was standing out to me. I was dead scared and watched him walk past. And I actually remember he was abnormally tall. I took out my phone to call Leo and my phone said 8 missed calls and I quickly looked in my address book to call them and there was no one in it. All there was, was a red silk background and two words I cannot remember. I than woke up and quickly grabbed my phone and texted all my friends to make sure that they were there and went back to sleep.

Weird. This one is open for interpretation. I have been having a lot of driving dreams in my life recently where I am in the passengers seat of car and it is driving by itself. It freaks me out every time.

The saddest thing in life

Leo told me something today that broke my heart, that he is depressed and wants to become an alchoholic when he is older. School is just too much. He doesn't want to do it anymore. He wants to drop out. It happens to every one of my friends. I saw it happen to Kevin and I never want to see it happen to Leo. There is a plague in the world, it is our fellow man. It is SOCIETY what an overrated egotistical lie! The very notion of society is total arrogance. Men thinking that they are end of all means. The reason why the earth is around. Let me tell you something, and I don't want to burst your arrogant bubble, humanity means nothing! You are the same as any parasite that leeches off of mother nature. Men are the product OF life, not the meaning to it. So what you are intelligent, so what you are adaptive, so what you have SOCIETY, so what you have technology, so what you are "divine" which is just a word that you made to label yourself. I can tell you one thing that makes you no different than the lowliest maggot, you are going to die. And you are going to die alone and in agony. It can be physical pain, emotional pain, but it will be pain because no matter how content you think you are with life your last moments you will stare nothingness in the face and realise you do not want to die. It will be something that will present itself slowely and deliberatly. SLOWLY nothingness will ebb into your soul while you start to slip away. And I gurantee you it will not lead to something bigger, it will just get smaller and smaller. And I also know that will make you feel uncomfortable. because your that arrogant human. That thought everything you had done in life was so great.

but what is greatness besides what other men think of you?

When humanity dies so does your legacy. So does your petty shit you worked for. Your retirement will be the realization that all your money means nothing. You cannot take anything to the grave with you. Why is the phrase just, you can't take your money with you when you die? It is SO much more than that. You cannot take your friends, your family, your happiness, your unfufilled dreams, The list goes on and on. I will qoute Nietzche here because he couldn't have been more right,

What happens when you take away all of mans natural enemies? Enemies like starvation, predation, disease, or even age. I will tell you what mans new enemy becomes, MAN.

What gave society the right to demand so much of its fellow man? I will tell you, they gave themselves the right. Every problem presented to you by your fellow man was by their choice. Oh, you are telling me that society deserves to dictate my rights? Oh, and I will assume you say so because society gives me the ability to live without fear of danger? well guess what?

Mayby some of us don't give a shit about your comforts,

Mayby some of us want to provide for ourselves,

Mayby some of us are actually held down by your society,

Mayby some of us are the reason your society is even alive,

Mayby perhaps, outside of society you would be the inferior, you would be clinging onto us, you would hold resent towards our ability to thrive, mayby your society was just something you made because you were just so resentful of our vitality.

Like I said, it is one thing to believe that you are better than someone, but it makes you lower than the lowliest maggot when you beleive that someone else deserves to be as low if not lower than you are. How pathetic.

and That is what society has become. people Give people a status because they happen to think that it is necessary. what happened to the people that just wanted to live? What happened to that ideal? Sure plenty of people will accept your status if you force them to not be able to thrive.

WHAT HAPPENED?????

All of the sudden a person cannot survive without a car, all of the sudden a person cannot survive without 50,000$ a year, all of the sudden a person cannot survive without eating constantly, all of the sudden if you do not have a lot of money you are persecuted. Well I laugh at those people, what a prison they live in. Do they have the strength to throw away that money? do they have the strength to not care what their neighbors think? Do they have the strength to leave? They cannot even move into a different house without strife. ha, they built that prison for themselves. I will tell you one thing that is a truth, you can survive with so much more than what society says you need.

So who are you to say that what he wanted was wrong. TO LIVE? is that so wrong? He followed the rules, they ALL followed your rules. Until you made them give up. Thats how BLINDLY LOYAL they are to society! How can you pass that off as them not being strong enough???? IT WAS YOUR RULES! you made them up. Who is to say that they have merit? you. That means nothing. What a hypocracy, you merit your own rules validity. ha! But what does your society mean when it is just your will against someone elses? When humanity is gone but you and the person you opressed? If I know him well he would have let you go. He would not impose his will upon you. Because he is the more powerful man. Mercy always remains the priviledge of the more powerful man.