Hokule'a

Raindrops, they hamper my vision

Falling down and cutting incisions,

in my mind

While we sail away our time

Blow makani, shout jubilation
Carry us down to our destination

O wikiwiki, a keala Tahiti

Millions of stars up in the sky
Looking up they all make us high, but

Hokule'a, Star of Gladness (you're the
happy star)

Oh, Hokule'a, Star of Gladness

Stand beside me and be my friend
make me smile and laugh again, yes

Hokule'a, you're the Star of Gladness
(you're the happy star)

Oh,Hokule'a, Star of
Gladness

Bridge:

Lift your bow, your hull
slides through the
sea

Guide Hokule'a, Lord we ask you
please

In this we pray, Lord to
show us the way

Ah, Hokule'a, Star of
Gladness (you're the
happy star)

Oh,Hokule'a, Star of Gladness

x2

Ah Iz you have done it again! Nothing could describe how I feel more than this song right now. Thats what our group is, Hokule'a, the star of gladness.

Conflict

Time to let the monster in the back of my head loose.

The choice, does it have to be a choice?

Of all the hard things for a man to choose between, his greatest dreams and aspirations

vs. the greatest loves of his life

do they necessarily have to conflict? I don't know, what happened to my dreams and aspirations? To be a nomad; to explore; to inherit the earth; to find answers; maybe to find more questions; to change the world........


The Starfish
Ka Hôkû Kai
Once upon a time, there was a wise kupuna (elder),
who went to the sea to contemplate.
One day, while walking along the shore,
the kupuna looked down the beach,
and saw a gracefully dancing
human figure.

The kupuna wondered out loud,
"Who would so joyfully greet this day with hula?"
and began to walk faster to catch up.
Getting closer, the kupuna saw that the dancer was a keiki (child),
who was not dancing at all.
The keiki was reaching down to the sand to pick up something,
and was very gently throwing it into the sea.

The kupuna called out to the keiki,
"Aloha! What are you doing?"
The keiki paused, looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish into the sea."

Surprised, the kupuna sputtered,
"I...I guess I should have asked, WHY are you throwing starfish into the sea?"
The keiki smiled brightly,
pointed upward and,
with exquisite simplicity, replied,"The sun is up, the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they will die."
"But, don't you realize, " asked the kupuna, "that there are miles and miles of beachand starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"

The keiki listened politely.
Then bent down,
picked up another starfish, threw it gently into the sea,
just beyond the breaking waves,and exuberantly declared,
"It made a difference for that one."

I have always loved that analogy, I have always thought its funny how life is never like a movie. I know that's a very common thing to say, but what I think people don't realise is its not the fact that life isn't a movie, its the fact that we desire it to be. Ideally, I would go out to accomplish my dreams and realise I don't have to travel anywhere to find answers, they were right here in front of me. But that's not life, life is so diverse it can sometimes not have any real higher cause, or so it seems. I realised that I don't need to go anywhere to find answers a while ago, it will always be my mind that is in the way. But I still feel that burning desire to leave, to explore, to jump into the depths of the unknown. That is something that I think will never change, like my desire to change the world.

is my life but a bunch of thoughtless desires? These do not feel like the superficial desires I have felt before, these are like a pang of hunger to my soul. Something that burns when I don't quench it. Is this a sign of a creator? or is it a sign that I should find him? That would be ideal, because than maybe he could satisfy these hungers.

ah, but is that what I want? Maybe, like many other desires, I wish to hold onto these pains. Like when a person is sad about something really significant, they don't want to feel better, they want to embrace this sadness with a sad song, to get lost in the melody. To become more sad so that they can come back into the light. Because some moments in life are worth the worst apathy and some moments in life are easily worth the greatest ecstasy.

That is choice number one to follow these desires with no restraint, to jump to conclusions I would say it would be worth it, but only half worth it. Now for choice number two, and I will start this with a good quote from Epicurus;


"Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is friendship."

Not going to argue with that, to give the readers digest version on friendship I will say;

The earth is such a beautiful place to behold for the soul, but twice is the amount to share this beauty with a friend.

Not only that but several at that! I have always been a 1 friend kind of guy, i always believed that it was far better to have 1 amazing friend vs. lots of less meaningful ones. But recently I have been proven wrong, ha yes, I was wrong. What an enjoyment to be proven wrong. people don't see the beauty in being proven wrong on something, people seem to have a conviction that everything they behold of the universe is correct above all others. I hate to break their bubble but that can never be true, and that's whats so great about being proven wrong; Somehow along the way people forgot that being proven wrong is to have your eyes opened! The realization of truth! My god how I would love to have god proven to me! hahaha. that's a funny statement but entirely true none the less.

So choice number two? suddenly I want to share the world with someone else, I want to journey with others as well. HA, suddenly life IS more like a movie, with the greatest comrades to follow you on the epic quest of life.

But here's a disclaimer before choice number three; I have found, and some of this thought is from Nietzsche along with Aristotle. To find truth in yourself or to be sophomoric, to find yourself period, you have to be alone. How can you find yourself amongst a sea of people? Have I found myself? I would actually like to say that I have, I had that long lapse of time to be alone and I am thankful for that. But to ask a higher question, have they found themselves? I cannot be with a comrade that does not know him/herself, I know as a human being that is a strong desire to find oneself. and I would not wish to interfere with that.

Now for choice number three; which isn't really a choice but an uncertainty, why can't I follow my dreams without the sacrifice of relationships? If not the sacrifice of, more like the pains of nostalgia? Ha! How ironic my life has become! I never got homesickness before. To leave home was the easiest thing amongst all. So let me tell you than what is wrong with choice number three, it is not my choice to make. I am living this half life, I feel the desire for choice number three but am ready for if I am stuck with choice number one. Is that any way to live a life? Always being ready to leave at the drop of a hat? I find contempt in my ability to do that,

curse my strength, because it feels like indifference to me!

Here is something I wrote a couple days ago, and here's a tip when reading some of what I say, sometimes you can replace words such as we, or us, or any third person words and replace them with 'I' to see what I am really saying;


How can we deal with the departure of loved ones? to expel their influence on our life from our souls? Why can't we miss them quietly and than once we see them, its as if a day hasn't passed without them in our hearts. Would the second mode of missing someone interfere with daily life? Why can't we continue regardless? How can a person become bored with a relationship but at the same time be torn apart at the departure of a loved one. Be that departure permanent or temporary.

Here is a little conflict that I did not mention; and I put it at the end of the page for a reason, because it is in the same state in my mind. Something squirreled away and brought out at the worst times. But maybe at the best times as well. I really, really, with all my heart at times want to live frugally. To live like Apocalypto, 10,000 b.c., Call of the Wild, Dances with Wolves, Walden, all of them. But most of all Apocalypto, Jesus, the first time I watched that movie I was alone. At 3 o clock in the morning, in dead winter. That was most likely the most restless night of my life. I did not sleep, I stayed up, wishing, dreaming, still living with the impression that Jaguar paw still needs to save his family. It is amazing how invested I can get in a story sometimes. The day I quit my job was the day after I watched 10,000 b.c., I had a dream about that movie, and I could almost say that I quit because of that movie. I was standing there, holding hundreds of pamphlets, talking to all the customers who walked in. I was watching my self from the third person, I was thinking about my dream, about my desire to live in that time and fashion. I was thinking about my cause, I was think about my desires. I was watching my own lips move advertising gas discounts. I couldn't take it, I dropped the pamphlets and left. Where could I run to? I wanted to run all the way to south America. I have been given this choice of life so many times its not even funny. I never want to just run away I want to embrace something in me that screams of my real nature, some sort of ancestral past, I know it is something felt before! That primevil darkness underneath an enveloping green canopy, that is my home! "Let me go home!" my mind screams. and in those moments I almost do, I have had many,

I have directly faced the mountains in a summers night and turned away

I have faced the full moon in the chill of a springs night and turned away

I have faced the open fields before me in the night, turned away

I have gotten lost in the mountains before (I was 8 years old) and turned back

I have seen the trees before me leaves twisting in the wind, I turned away

I saw the gates before me, to get away from my problems, I never looked back

I have floated in the open ocean, and swam back

Well there is going to be a moment in my life where I am going to say "enough is enough!" and that's the way I would always want to do it, so that I could say,

I saw the jungle before me, I will never look back, I am HERE TO STAY.

Quick thought before getting back to work.

you cannot put a label on eternal life such as pleasantness because no matter what it is sensative to change; because there is no end to seal it. To live eternally is to not live as a human being because a limited life is what defines us. Regardless of whether this is a good or a bad thing we would become something that is not human, we would become angels, so don't tell me that you know you would live a pleasant eternity in heaven because you are not angel are you? To put a label onto eternal life such as pleasantness is to limit eternity itself by making it limited to one outcome. What use is eternity than? If you are pleasant forever what is the difference between being happy in the moment vs. past and future? You are just going to be happy in the next mopment so the prior moments of pleasantness are null in retrospect to the future, which you don't have because it is limited by one idea; pleasantness.

This is just a quick thought, if I have to elaborate I very well can.

Drunken writing

“Do you think we ought to paint such a beautiful pair of eyes that they don't look like eyes at all?” socrates

I will only complicate you, trust in me and fall as well, why can't we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can't we sleep forever, I just want to start this over. Jesus won't you fucking whistle? Something but the past and done, Mother mary won't you whisper? Something but the past and done. -sober, by tool.

We are all just trying to find our way our answers, somewhere along the line we have forgotten that. Every time you look into another persons eyes, you don't think of that struggle. You think of who they are. Thats why you can't fight stereotypes, because we all have to have our labels for people. An easy identification tag we can apply to all other beings. Was that something that was necessary for survival? Just like sheep, we used our connection with each other to survive. But ah, there are some of us that contradict the laws of life. What a bizzare coincidence, but what a intrinsic one at the same time. There are so many things about the human race that exceeds the norm, and at the same time fills it so well. What if what we are now is a product of something great? For those of you that embrace a higher cause because it is so much more comforting than nothing, here's a thought for you; There does not have to be nothing if there is no “god” no “divine purpose” what if the lack of a god breeds freedom? Is that not a possibility? Theres a purpose, now follow it. Now for those of you that embrace it out of total faith; blind, faith. You can die satisfied, but can your children? Was the world just a medium for you to get to your sanctuary? Were your children just newly born slaves for this eternal struggle? Belief is something rarely examined. Hell we can all attest to that, of all the white lies to tell, that one can be done without question. Belief, cause, purpose, how easy is it to lie about that? We can even lie to ourselves about it. I know, I know, I can attest for that. It would be foolish of me to deny that no one else can not as well. As human beings (like I said earlier, we can make our own cause.) we get what we want, but at the same time that can make us slaves to our desires. Even the temperate people can be slaves to their desires. Why are you temperate? Is it not to gain approval? If not from others than from yourself? It always seems as if we are temperate to prove something. Once again; If not from others than from ourselves. What about the answer that I have proposed before?

(This was around the time I called Rachel so it is cut short, I meant to elaborate on what I have said about people dying for their causes, even if they were a lie. Are they a lie if the person dies believing they are truth?)

To bite into a mango, a salute to the individuals and the night.

For all ive been blessed with in my life

there was an emptyness in me

i was imprisoned by the power of gold

with one kind touch you set me free

let the world stop turning

let the sun stop burning

let them tell me love is not worth goin' through

if it all falls apart

i will know deep in my heart

the only dream that mattered had come true

in this life i was loved by you

for every mountain i have climbed

every raging river crossed

you were the treasure that i longed to find

without your love i would be lost

let the world stop turning

let the sun stop burning

let them tell me love is not worth goin through

if it falls apart

i will know deep in my heart

the only dream that mattered had come true

in this life i was loved by you

i know that i will live forever

but forever ill be loving you

let the world stop turning

let the sun stop burning

tell me loves not going through

if it all falls apart

i will know deep in my heart

the only dream that mattered had come true

in this life i was loved by you

~Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Nothing could describe how I feel tonight better than this song.

What does life fall short of but limitlessness? Every grain of sand; every leaf on every tree could tell you the most wondrous stories ever told. A world with places of curious miracles and unparalleled beauty explored and navigated by various drops of rain traveling across the earth. What a joy it would be to hear the story of a drop of rain amongst a crowd of water droplets, hydroplaning across a sea of Grey! What a joy it would be to hear the life of a cloud. Every aspect of life (bios) creates a wonderful cacophony of joyous synapses in my brain. When I get down into the grass and grab onto that vast green living mat of stems and leaves, my entire being surges with energy. The energy of nature vests itself into me and I into it. When I hit the ground running after the sun has set (as if I were to chase the sun itself!) the relationship between nature and myself becomes a marriage of interconnectedness. As if there were any words to describe that relationship! But take it back, life has become so much more than a reaction to what's around me. Yes, Life is so much more than what is given. I can recognize the beauty of life, what a precious gift I can cherish until the end.
We are quite the navigators of life, of the earth, of bios!
We recognize our attributes, we recognize diversity, we recognize beauty, we not only recognize but contemplate! and most of all revere life! We find joy in something that has total capabilities for convictions beyond our imaginations. Somewhere along the line a person discovers why they should love life. Somewhere along the line we see that beauty, but I implore you, beauty is something much more than being recognized; it is something to be experienced first hand! It is there, now that you recognize it, run to it! Jump into that delightful landscape in front of you! Live, but not just live, thrive in this vast earth around you. Thats why it has always been a mystery to me how people could even consider that they can own a piece of the earth, to own land. Are you serious? I laugh when I hear a person make such a claim, you cannot own the earth. The earth gave you life, the earth gives you life, and when you die you will go back to it. And when you are long dead and gone the earth will still be there, waiting for the next person to lay claim over it.
I like what Aristotle said when he said one swallow does not make a summer, but what I have found with my life right now is I love the days that feel like they could compose my entire lifetime. They are there, and I am shocked that they could be so numerous. A single night can be given joys the equivalent of several eternities in search of them. A single day can become rich in comforts and deep in misery at the same time. A single moment can become widely dispersed with hundreds of plentiful moments to follow. What is better than a day that what you have desired, what you have dreamed, comes to fruition? What is better than a day when what you have desired, what you have dreamed, have been exceeded way beyond your expectations. The wondrous surprises of life, they are as abundant as a rain forest teeming with bios. Nothing could describe how I feel tonight better than this song!

All the old stuff

Heres all the old stuff from oldest to newest, there is a lot and it ranges from up to 4 years ago to 1 year ago, don't read unless you really want to waste your time. so here they are:

old blog #1:

i dont realy care about what you think about this blog or me even blogging at all unless its genuine. i dont want you to see me any differently because i am the same as ive always been. im doing this on a blog because i HATE writing to be 100% honest i am not afraid of anything except lack of purpose. everyone always feel they have never done anything for a higher purpose. it is something that can destroy your whole being. no matter what or who you are you will never feel you have fulfilled that purpose. Not only does the need for purpose plague me every second i stop to think, but lifes questions pop into my head over and over. if i had nothing to do but think for a day i would go insane. I am not religious but i am not against it ether. the only thing i believe in is the answers or the truth. but if there is a god i would ask him, why would he plague mankind by giving them the ability to ask questions but never find the answers to them? the meaning of life is the quiere most people throw on the table. the only problem is that understanding on a human comprehension level has to be about something that "exists" like time seems like it exists but it also doesnt because time is something that can never change. it will always be moving forward. so it essentialy doesnt exist because it has never began or come to exist and cannot end. whenever i think about this vast expanse of existance it is impossible to see a purpose to be forfulled if it is essentially not needed. there is a point where life must stop and by life i mean life all around because the only way for life to not stop would be for it to become the exact same consistancy as time. so essentialy all life will come at an end or there is no diference between time and life and they are 1 thing. (tife. hahaha) i only put this blog up so that i know a fringe of my thoughts are recorded and i dont have to keep bringing them back into my mind whenever i stop to think. thats why i hate that phrase stop and smell the roses when its refered to life because then i will start thinking of how those roses came to be and their purpose. and they dont smell like anything anyway. so i wrote this blog for my own satisfaction to get that burdon off my mind. its funny how most people write their blogs for other people to see but consider it personal. if someone is still reading this than they are probably one of the more closer friends in my life because to be honest if i saw a blog this big i probably wouldent read it.


old blog #2:

I hate that stupid cliche feeling that life is short. whenever i stop to wonder where the time has gone. time is still chuggin along and kickin dirt in my face and giggling away. i am totaly against saying that life is short but i can still feel impacted by it. i guess thats human nature. you can say that peoples attitudes and aspects change but i can put a personal stamp of guarantee that they still fall back to human nature. human nature is in a way an oxymoron. we do nothing but fuck nature. as a matter of fact nature should have a restraining order of say, 100feet away from humans. sometimes i wish i was totaly naive to higher thought so stuff like that wouldent bother me. like a goldfish or a stork (wtf?) Knowledge is power, but ignorance is bliss.take your pick...... i think bliss sounds nice. and thats why crack is so popular. kinda like love vs. money, with money you got power but you will never be truly happy. i just contradicted myself by appreciating feelings. but i guess thats human nature, i didnt know nature was such a bitch! If you are reading this blog i would like to know why? and actualy tell me. here ill translate, por que? pourquoi? Warum? perché? Waarom? ??????? hvorfor? ???? ??? (for kenny)

old blog #3:

its funny how we classify ourselves as totaly diferent than animals. I noticed that we are COMPLETLY controlled by our primal instincts. they say animals dont have emotions. they do just not with logic behind them. we feel fear just like animals do. we feel the need to survive just like animals. we feel anger because its a way for our body to give us the adrenalin to survive situations. we feel happiness just because it gives us a reason to keep surviving. i dont see it as good or bad i see it as one situation vs. another and our instincts tell us wich one is the one that will help us survive. so there is no good or evil in the universe because it is a manifestation of our instincts to survive. so we create a heaven or hell not god. (sorry flanders, but you suck diddly uck) have you ever noticed that if you look any animal straight in the eyes they look away just like a person? the reason why we feel awkward is because in a survival situation if something stops and theres a moment where its just you and your enemy not making any moves your instincts tell you your uncomfortable so that you do something before the other thing does. every living thing feels like it needs to fulfil its purpose. that purpose is to maintain life. so if you take away that things hardwiring to achieve its purpose by say locking it in a cage and not giving it the ability to do what thousands of years have taught it, that creates depression. we as human beings have spent 95% (and thats a real statistic) of our time on earth as hunter gatherers. so in modern times people develope depression and lack of purpose and still feel urges to create and develope and work to obtain what they need to survive. have you ever heard of a cereal killer in an indian tribe? i dont think so. the only killing of their own people is for reasons such as power and rage. but never for pleasure because they already achieve that by fufilling their purpose of defending their people and hunting for survival. basicly everyone is getting fucked from progression. the only urge that is satisfied in these modern times is the urge to discover, create, and gain knowledge. isnt it funny how when guys see girls they make themselves seem bigger and more powerful and girls usualy like it? just like fuckin animals! we think we are so advanced and so much more different than our primitive ancesters but we are not. the only thing that separates us from animals is the ability to go against our instincts, to question our existance, to contemplate everything. wich i think personaly sucks cuz those questions will never be answered. the meaning to life is, there is no meaning. we just try to create reason for everything cuz thats the only thing we understand. to know the meaning of life you must not be alive because you cant comprehend it. since there is no meaning to existance than there must be something besides whats living and whats not, because there is no need for a reason. and i have a disclaimer im not trying to be sympathetic to animals and say oh they have feelings too. im trying to say that we are no different than them. but hey we are human and we cant do anything to change that. so its best if we just go with it but at least have the comfort of knowing that there is reason behind emotions and what we do and why we do it. i am a beast and theres nothing i can do to change that. hahaha

old blog #4:

we are an insignificant speck in the universe. the more you think about it the more it seems like everything is a waste. kinda like MIB II. cool movie. at the ending when they open a door and it turns out that earth is in a tiny locker among billions and a bunch of bigass aliens are walking by. its funny how sometimes when you watch movies you get so involved in them you think that they are real and after the movie it feels weird to be back to reality. sometimes i find myself wishing that the answer to everything was what i saw in a movie. like march of the penguins. hahahaha. but i think that movie is cool cuz it shows how there was more to the penguins lives than just antartica. and i find myself wishing that it was as easy as swimming out into an ocean and finding out everything beyond our perception. if i could i would in a second. there is curiosity in me that wonders if theres anything else out in the universe but theres a fear in me that we are alone in the universe and will never know if it could all be ending on the other side. everyone dies with some content that whatever they have done it will be immortalized forever. this thought is left with them and will never be taken away. so if everything does come to an end it wont matter because most people were content before they died and no matter how far eternity goes the past will always be there wether remembered or not. and what never ceases to amaze me is that we do not have the ability to change the universe but have the ability to create that scenario in our minds wich is like total power over everything with our minds. so I still feel that fear that everything is for nothing because things might not go on forever. but i feel a great sense of content because i know that my mind can triumph over any adversity. Without the ability to control your thoughts you are lost. so essentialy yes we ARE insignificant to the whole scheme of things but as long we have the power to believe that were not, nothing else matters. howa bout them apples? so my thoughts right now? im gonna go eat some apple pie and whipped cream and theres nothing anybody can do about it.
yet another rambling

old blog #5:

first of all why spend your life doing what everyone else is doing because when you die alone and you will die alone you will have no one to follow. and if you truly think that there is life after death how are you going to find it if you have nobody to follow?everyone who follows is following a follower because even the great leaders follow traits of someone else. so everyone is just wandering not knowing where they are going. just a bunch of fucking clueless sheep. its like those wendys commercials where they all are running off a cliff. I believe i deserve a hot and juicy burger. So those of you that see me and wonder whats wrong with him why isnt he a clueless boob like me that wont go outside the norm? heres some bad news. i fucking live for that. i fucking love it when people wonder what the fuck about me. there is nothing greater than making every insecure dooshbag feel uneasy. im not trying to be different, i just HATE being the same. so when you feel like you have the power of what is considered the way things are suposed to be, over me, you couldent be more wrong. That doesnt faze me for a second. now im gonna go kick some puppies. good night.

old blog #6: (note to self, I actually like this one.)

As you look into the fathoms of that dark place called the mind. your eyes open to a revelation hidden beyond recodnition. That tangable thing that might be a dream or a memory lost deep in the far reaches of time. hidden on the fringe of reality and lost off the edge of sanity. you remember a time when you looked up to that vast arc above your head that holds onto existance in a spectacled white fashion, and realized that beyond reasonable doubt that your a part of something that has passed through the ages of time and existance. That you are in fact, looking through the eyes of time itself. and when you look down into the detailed rich fields beyond you. your eyes fill in incredible details in the opaque void intwined with the moonlight. And the eternal feeling that has been passed on to guide you, leaves you running, almost floating across the solid ground beneath you. the pure unashamed ecstatic joy overtakes you as you bound across forests, through mountains, all the while knowing this is where you belong. and when the wind embraces the trees and the grass, it speaks to your senses more profoundly than any language you have ever known. This place that seems so familiar to you, becomes forever etched into your memory and fufills your purpose that has been so hard to find. Suddenly the familiar surroundings flood your senses. Hearing is the first. and that world that might have existed is again lost, compacted into that level below conciousness and than added to the ongoing record to be played by somebody else once again.

old blog #7:


Well lets see, heres a disclaimer, these blogs are for myself because I HAVE to do this. If i don't write my ponderings down I will explode in a mess of words, thoughts, and emotions. Like I dont anyway.
First if I am to get you guys attention im going to have to first talk about those little problems that we worry about as much as we can with the limited time we have here. Like how about we talk about how a friend can shatter your whole world with one act of spitefulness. Or on a higher level a significant other. What a funny word significant other is. you know why I think thats what its called? because that person can "significantly" hurt you. Yes they can also significantly make you happier, but which one is dependant on the other? or a better question, which one is more unstable? would you marry someone that breaks your heart before you know them?
So what is it about other people that can be so damaging to us? What keeps us from befriending that same person that left us to rot? It is memory. All that we can remember is what that person did to us. So do not waste your life over a friend, rather build your life because of a friend. didn't that person give you the friendship that you needed at that time? Why else would you have stayed friends with them? and ask the inverse also, why won't you stay friends with that person now? they are not needed.
Now If I am not mistaken those people that did so much "damage" to us also gave us the foundation to end the friendship and move on. So for one answer to the problem of the damage of friendships, mayby we shouldn't be so greedy to want those great moments we had with our friendship to happen again. So how can you act on that? go back to this person, don't apologize. tell them that you need them in your life, just not quite in the same way as before.
So if I am to continue making these questions exponentially bigger, why do we feel the need to have people around us constantly? WHY ARE WE LONELY? Ah, the cries of the lonley. I hear you, we all hear you. We are all lonely. As a matter of fact scrath the last part I said about us all hearing the cries of the lonely, it is more like we understand how you feel, we have compassion for you. The problem with lonliness is that there is no cure. The key is timing. lonelyness will hit you when you are in your most fragile state, be it at midnight and your only escape is a conversation on the computer, or be when you are with a friend and in doubt. Nothing can seem to fill that void in your heart when you are lonely because it is a time when nobody can be reached. Why would you suppose that nobody can be reached? It could be because We cannot hear you over our own cries of lonliness. So I will talk to people if they are lonely regardless of what i think of them.
But I havent even begun to answer the question of why do we feel lonely! Is it because we feel safety in numbers? but are we really that animalistic? at a point and time that might have been the reason lonliness began. But let us ask what is it now? Is it because we need to teach each other? but are we really just using each other to understand our world? Is it even a question of physical survival anymore? Or does friendship feel like something higher to you?
So for all of you that hate society (I being one of them) than to truly abstain from it you need to first abstain from friendship, lonliness, and your dependance on other people. So do NOT give me the overused 60's mentality that you do not need society. prove it to me first! For I am trying to prove it to myself. I will not thank you for reading this until you give me feedback because it is not your condolence i want, it is your criticism! and heres a sick picture for the hell of it,

This next one was a letter I wrote to myself when I was drunk after watching master and commander:

The ages of discovery? Is the exploration of the world uncovered already? Is there absolutly nothing that we cannot type into a search engine on the internet? Why did it have to come to this? how could we have evolved so fast? If I could choose to I would rediscover fire for myself over and over again. what is more amazing and liberating than when you see something that mystifies you? that makes you stand back and contemplate your world? Is there no room for this left in modern society? Am I not alowed to discover anything different besides the cure to cancer? Yes I can hear of trees over 300 feet tall and see pictures of them, but nothing compares to that wonton wonderment of seeing such a majestic beast as a miniscule person in conjunction to the largest organisms on earth. To look at the ocean for the first time. The logic of something ever renewing cannot be told, you have to live it. To see the view from atop a mountain. To discover and explore your world. you cannot truly grasp the full size of the world until you have explored its far reaches. you could get a P.H.D in geography and be put upon your knees just by the sight of the wonders of the world. Even further than that extent is the extent of anticipation of the mind. Nothing will ever be exactly as you expect it to be. For the lucky few it is greater. I think its best described as surreal. some say you die a thousand deaths before you truly die. I do not know wether to marvel at this or to can it because nothing will be worth hoping for. I personally don't care. I personally Hate where I have gone. i hate what I have become. i hate what I have stood for and what I have given into for. I personally Hate the hands I have been delt, and I PERSONALLY LOVE WHAT I AM WILLING TO SACRAFICE TO MAKE MYSELF STRONGER, WISER, AND EVEN MORE I LOVE WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR ME. What is this drive that makes me so hungry? makes me so desperate to change things. makes me so desperate to sacrifice and chase after heroic acts that have a cause or not. I BURN with a desire to be so much more. so much more than anyone else in my past. I fell indebted to the generations before me. they all are martyrs for their cause and I want to finish the job for them. I want to make the largest possible difference my body can make. my mind can make. my spirit can make. I want to make the biggest possible accomplishments that the very cells of my body can perform. I am just a hunk of meat that can talk, walk, and think. Why not make the most out of this tiny little piece of meat that is living off of a world. If you think about it we are a one in a billion chance. Every star in the sky is a reminder of all the other earths that did not happen. All the other human races that could not exist. Why are we here? the ageold question. what scares me is the real question behind that, the one we dare not bring up. mayby the real question is not what is the meaning of life. mayby the real question is, is there any meaning at all. I would not be surprised if we were just a chance occurence. I would not be surprised if all that happens when we die is we rot in the ground long forgotten. and for all those people that have contributed so much to mankind, how will they be remembered if life eventually stops. the only fuel to glory is people. the only way to get glory is to serve people. the only way to sucessfully live your life without abuse is to serve people. So what do I do with this fiery passion within me? I use it to make a change beyond humankind. How do I do that? Well I hope I find out before I die.

this was a message I found in my drafts that I think was directed towards Kevin:

This is to all those who have lost motivation under the fattening and suckling of americas easy living. This is to all the people who have concluded whats the point. this is to all the people who cannot find a purpose. this is to the people who need a definite answer to even start trying. Yes I have been there. We all are there. that is our generation. So I ask this question what becomes of the children of the men that fought for freedom? They become quitters. but they are not quitters in the fact that they do not fight for any cause. (because there is not one to fight for.) They are quitters because they NEED a cause to fight for. That is human nature. not compassion, invention, divinity, nihilism, or anything discussed. We have been fighting for our cause since we were born by nature. there is no need to even look into the past (which is riddled with evidence) because people need something they can relate to so Im going to give it to them. Why do we do sports? because it feels good to fight for a cause, winning. Why do we go on marathon runs? because we are running for a cure, a good cause? Why do we do science? because we do it for the cause of man. Why do we invent? for the cause of man. Why do we go to war? because we are told we are fighting for a cause. So we quit on freedom. Yes we are nihilists. are we all comfortable with it? HELL NO! You cannot contain human beings in a cage like lab rats. you can give us all we need. you can even give us freedom to do whatever we want. But that only makes the cage smaller and more claustrophobic. What we have been stripped of to make us not free is cause. America was at one point free and then it lost it along the way by harboring the ignorant people and their ideals. By being given so many things we have lost the freedom to earn them. By being given technology we have lost the freedom to invent and literally move! What has the internet provided mankind? Addiction to porn, constant communication, attention whoring via myspace, loss of interest in anything outside the screen, addiction to this technology. we did not need this before, what happened? What has T.V. done for us? it has taken 1 hour a day or more out of our lives, it has destroyed our creativity in entertaining ourselves. What has video games done for us? It has made us switch from T.V to games, T.V. is like the gateway drug to technology and internet and video games are like crack but tenfold. one hit of crack lasts for a couple hours and one video game lasts for months. and the causes to fight for in these can be found. So I emplore you america, give us freedom. Because I have tasted it and now I have only a taste for freedom. Give me my cause because that is what I am naturally inclined to live for. be it life, be it death, be it immortality, be it destruction, be it construction, be it for life itself. Life can last forever. It just has to have the right cause and it will. There is no one else in the universe and if there is than that is just adding onto the cause pile. So if my fellow peers of this time period need a reason to try, a reason to fight, a reason to will anything besides nothing (because nothingness can be a cause and needs it also.) Than here is your cause, give up technology, give up your money, give up your thoughts and ideals, give up everything and start over. start with a cause for one thing and one thing only true freedom. the freedom to will your cause. because yes we can get used to our prison cell. yes we can become institutionalised. but that is how we can become stripped of all our nature. and nothing pains that unique species called humans more than being stripped of their causes.

when the levee breaks

There is nothing more catastrophic than when your belief system comes crashing down, nothing more heart wrenchingly painful. Mankind is made of believers; we are believers, we need to believe. We have the capability to question our very existance, how beautiful is that? It is beautifully tragic, we have the capability to question but not to answer. Why is it so hard to think for a second we do not have a purpose? Do not say it is because we have one, wishful thinking is like fire and can consume your entire soul if you are not careful. The reasoning for a creator or higher cause cannot be because it is so painful to not have one. The reasoning for life cannot be to live another one. The reasoning for existance cannot be but more than, to exist. But notice I say the reasoning for something, not its validity. You can challenge whether we have a higher cause for your whole life, but don't come to me with the basic conclusion that there is one simply because that is what you desire.

Temperance is highly praised amongst men, but when it comes to purpose, these men suddenly are led entirely by their desires. Hopeless romantics in a sea of painful nothingness. Am I being morbid? pessimistic? overdramatic? No, that is what consists of our deepest heartaches, we are teaming with irrational desire. But I understand, Sometimes it seems almost impossible for a happy man to understand a miserable man. The hardest thing a person can do as a human being is to admit they are not the end of all means. What is the ultimate cause of life as a whole? To live. What is the ultimate cause of humanity to strive for? Happiness. What is the ultimate cause of happiness? good question. Chris Mcandless couldn't have put it better, happiness is best felt shared. So I think one of the ultimate causes for happiness could be love. All you need is love? is that what the beetles said? What about purpose? We seem to need a purpose don't we? But what if we gave up this sharade for living forever, which is what religion ultimately is and why anyone follows it. Try following a religion that does not dictate any sort of afterlife, it is humanly impossible. What if our purpose was to love, thus to be happy, to finally live life. You were right why do I feel the need to be productive all the time? Especially when I don't believe in a god, which you must realise leads to a life necessary of production.

One thing that I have realised without even setting a foot outside my house is that where I am, who I am with, being with anyone at all means nothing towards my ultimate goals. I do not need isolation, I do not need relocation, I do not need any change to realise as a human being I need answers. I will always desire to mean something, to make a difference in this giant spectrum of infinite nothingness. But at the same time that dictates that I do not have to stay here as well.

To sum up my life in a few sentences I am always in constant battle with my desires vs. my contemplation. There are things that I have to do no matter what, those are my desires. When my logic comes into place I might have an explaination for why that is. But when I do not have an explaination that means it is total desire. I cannot explain why, or how I am going to make a difference in the world, I just have to. I cannot explain why I want answers or desire truth, I just do. So can these things interfere with my life? a little. But I have always been surprised at what can change, nothing is for certain.

So to answer your question, Do I need my "moment of isolation" in order to find my cause? I thought that was what I needed to do, but I already had that moment, I already know what I want. And I just realised it can be done regardless of any factors but my own desire. The question is not," what if I desire to keep you as a friend all to myself", The question is, "what if suddenly you found a person that will want to stay with you for life."

What if, I suddenly was freed from the impression that I could actually be held down by anyone but myself? Suddenly life was not more than living. it became not just a search for truth but an incredibley beautiful journey along the way. To search for truth and to live for it as well.