When passion's lost, and all the trust is gone, way too far for way too long.
Children crying, cast out and neglected... only in a world so cold, only in a world this cold.
Hold the hand of your best friend, look into their eyes, then watch them drift away.
Some might say we've done the wrong things for way too long, for way too long...
Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)
Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.
Keep your thorns, cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...
Burning whispers remind me of the days. I was left alone in a world this cold.
Guilty of the same things, provoked by the cause. I'm left alone in a world so cold!
Fever inside the storm,
so I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)
Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us.
Keep your thorns,
cause I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold...
I'm flying,
I'm flying away!
Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so COLD!
Why does everyone feel like my enemy, don't want any part of depression or darkness.
I've had enough, sick and tired, bring the sun or I'm gone... OR I'M GONE!
I'm backing out,
I'm no pawn,
no motherfucking slave to this - Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else Not a care, no concern.
Don't give a shit about anything!
Backing out, giving up, no motherfucking slave to this Never lied, never left, never lived, never loved Never lost, never hurt, never worry about being me or anyone else
Not a care, no concern. Don't give a shit about anything!
I need to find a darkened corner,
a lightless corner where it's safe and calmer...
I'm turning away.
Away from the name (calling your names)
Away from the stones (throw sticks and stones)
Cause I'm through mending the wounds of us
I'm running away.
Away from the games (fucking head games)
Away from the space (hate this head space)
The circumstances of a world so cold
I'm flying,
I'm flying away!
Away from the names (calling your names)
Away from the games (fucking head games)
The circumstances of a world so Cold!
Word so Cold~Mudvayne
Its so funny how much I go in circles, once again these songs are there for me, I am so glad that Joey is ok.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The neverending rain
Who could forget the week the rain never stopped, and its explosive remnants after. Who could forget the lightning and thunder strikes, and the sadness mixed with laughter. I am strong once again, and even when nature booms with thunder, I stick out my tongue, hold out my hands, and with love and beauty abounding; I laugh at her.
Monday, June 22, 2009
All the lost words
What happens to the thoughts pushed aside? What happens to the moments that mattered most at one point, and lost meaning the next? What happens to the brilliant minds that disappear, those that have lived, fought, and accomplished? Our thoughts can feel so real to us, but we are told they have no substance, no matter. You could call a thought a firing of nerves in the brain, a balance of chemicals. But as our nerves fire, the chemicals pushing and prodding our brain to make sense of a chaotic world around us; our mind screams for understanding, for closure amongst this infinite world of free will that dwells within us. I know I have free will because at times I desire to not have it. We know there is free will when there is so much that coincides, contradicts, and knows no bounds.
One contradiction I have is that when it comes to philosophy I get very, VERY personal. Because it is very, VERY personal. Am I not a part of this unknown chaos? Am I alone in this world screaming into the wind? One personal thing I have noticed is there is a higher majority of what I have thought, believed, wrote, sang, dreamed, LIVED, that has been lost. Moments where the weight of the universe has come crashing down upon my very essence. Moments where what I have felt or thought feels like it is the weight of the universe. Some of these thoughts pass in the passing hour. Some of these thoughts get written down. Some of these thoughts get pushed back, burned, thrown away, forgotten, ignored, and essentially; lost in the universe, time, humanity, possibly only seen by creator and even he may deem them not worthy of you remembering. But I disagree with this, I wonder;
How many people have cried out to the stars?
How many songs have gone unheard?
How many people play music, with no need for words, in the night that has gone unheard and unmentioned?
How many books have been forgotten?
How many discoveries have been left untouched or unaccepted?
How many dreams have been left to disintegrate into the night?
How many dreams have not been accomplished?
How many dreamers have wandered aimlessly off the cliff of history, not seen or understood by a single mind?
How many last thoughts have been buried in the graveyards with their hosts?
How many loves have been left unrecognized, unsatisfied?
So yes, you were right, truth is relative. Not only that, but it is lost constantly. Thousands of cries for help have gone unheard. is it wrong as a human being to weep for those left unheard? It is in the moments that I hide anything about who I am, what I have done, What I desire, and what I dream to accomplish that I weep for those who have done the same for I know they are with me but just as lost. Let me tell you why there needs to be a heaven, because without one, most of the greatest things this world has known are lost and stripped of meaning. Without a place for these words representing the lives of billions only a small portion of their lives made it through to the next generation and even then, there is a natural erosion that occurs with time to take that away. That is why there needs to be a place for these things, there needs to be a observer that doesn't let one voice in this expanse of life to be unheard.
There needs to be purpose! not only that but a purpose that fills these meanings.
Even as I type, there are things that I have written that I am erasing. Boy do I love contradiction at times. Sometimes contradiction can show how connected things really are. This is the closest I can come to saying, I recognize and honor those who have which been lost or forgotten but I cannot even come close to understanding the magnitude of it. I can only know it is beyond my understanding. Which reminds me of something I said a little while ago, "you cannot fully appreciate something until you understand it." I for the most part still stand behind that statement. I will finish this tribute with quotes from people that will not be forgotten,
"nothing in life is free."
"I cannot leave because I haven't satisfied my purpose yet."
"is anything a lie if we die believing it?"
"I do what I want."
"You can pretty much back anything up until it is your fault."
"Truth is relative, if anything should be pure in its essence, it should be truth, but it is not."
One contradiction I have is that when it comes to philosophy I get very, VERY personal. Because it is very, VERY personal. Am I not a part of this unknown chaos? Am I alone in this world screaming into the wind? One personal thing I have noticed is there is a higher majority of what I have thought, believed, wrote, sang, dreamed, LIVED, that has been lost. Moments where the weight of the universe has come crashing down upon my very essence. Moments where what I have felt or thought feels like it is the weight of the universe. Some of these thoughts pass in the passing hour. Some of these thoughts get written down. Some of these thoughts get pushed back, burned, thrown away, forgotten, ignored, and essentially; lost in the universe, time, humanity, possibly only seen by creator and even he may deem them not worthy of you remembering. But I disagree with this, I wonder;
How many people have cried out to the stars?
How many songs have gone unheard?
How many people play music, with no need for words, in the night that has gone unheard and unmentioned?
How many books have been forgotten?
How many discoveries have been left untouched or unaccepted?
How many dreams have been left to disintegrate into the night?
How many dreams have not been accomplished?
How many dreamers have wandered aimlessly off the cliff of history, not seen or understood by a single mind?
How many last thoughts have been buried in the graveyards with their hosts?
How many loves have been left unrecognized, unsatisfied?
So yes, you were right, truth is relative. Not only that, but it is lost constantly. Thousands of cries for help have gone unheard. is it wrong as a human being to weep for those left unheard? It is in the moments that I hide anything about who I am, what I have done, What I desire, and what I dream to accomplish that I weep for those who have done the same for I know they are with me but just as lost. Let me tell you why there needs to be a heaven, because without one, most of the greatest things this world has known are lost and stripped of meaning. Without a place for these words representing the lives of billions only a small portion of their lives made it through to the next generation and even then, there is a natural erosion that occurs with time to take that away. That is why there needs to be a place for these things, there needs to be a observer that doesn't let one voice in this expanse of life to be unheard.
There needs to be purpose! not only that but a purpose that fills these meanings.
Even as I type, there are things that I have written that I am erasing. Boy do I love contradiction at times. Sometimes contradiction can show how connected things really are. This is the closest I can come to saying, I recognize and honor those who have which been lost or forgotten but I cannot even come close to understanding the magnitude of it. I can only know it is beyond my understanding. Which reminds me of something I said a little while ago, "you cannot fully appreciate something until you understand it." I for the most part still stand behind that statement. I will finish this tribute with quotes from people that will not be forgotten,
"nothing in life is free."
"I cannot leave because I haven't satisfied my purpose yet."
"is anything a lie if we die believing it?"
"I do what I want."
"You can pretty much back anything up until it is your fault."
"Truth is relative, if anything should be pure in its essence, it should be truth, but it is not."
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I am trapped
I am trapped beyond any reasonable state to do action. I can only be. I can only sit while the world turns. I have the greatest possible disparity with no reason to do anything about it. I cannot do nothing, I cannot do something. I am just trapped. Doomed to be and nothing more. My happiness gives me contempt, my sadness has no meaning. The cause to do action of my own accord has deteriorated. I am listening to a part of me that is in the past. I think I am the only person at the moment that will not do what I want for no reason at all. I cannot escape, I w on't escape. I choose not to, like I have been institutionalized in life. I want a savior but might never get one, I try to be a savior when no-one needs one, I try to leave the world but get drawn back in, I try to see the world but I can only dream of it, I wish I could just serve myself but its just not satisfying, I wish I could serve others but I don't know who, what, when, WHY, or how, I try, and I try, and I try, but thats it. I stop trying and try to focus on not trying, because my spirit will try to do otherwise. I know nothing, i have no choice, i have no will, I have no way. Where there is a will there is a way, where there is no will there is no way. Where there is both there is simply entrapment of the greatest kind, and thats where I am. Trapped, and I will bang and thrash my head on the walls of this prison until the very last breath of me. Thank god I am not alone, but I am doomed to see these people from the other side of these bars and never to join them. I am doomed to either be happy with my prison, or angry with it. Not to leave it but find a way to enjoy it or sit in sadness. And thats how I am institutionalized, routine takes hold and strangles to the point of mundane depression.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Closure
"There are times I’ve suffered shipwreck in my journeys: In perils of robbers; In perils of false brethren; In perils of my own design. Yet, from these perils comes knowledge: Only from within may we truly shine."
"Smile" By Tupac Shakur
another line from the song
"And a man without a focus, life could drive him insane"
As I was sitting in front of the computer listening to this song, I realized the true value of finding anything higher in life. What is the use of philosophy when you have to fight for your meals? What is the use of science when you have to sleep with one eye open? What is the use of what I want to find when the whole world is suffering from the immediate pains? Why should I search when what the majority needs is so apparent and easy to give? I am searching for reasons, forgetting I have bread in my hands for these starving people at my feet. I am looking to the stars for a purpose when there are so many reasons to help shed in tears by my fellow human beings.
Give me reason, give me life, give me purpose, give me cause, but most of all let me give to this world what it has given me; meaning.
I have gotten a taste of that life, the life lived by unnecessary struggle. When Justice loses its distinction. I can see your faces, I can remember your names;
Cory
Joanna
Johnny (God)
Chris
Matt
I lived with you in that struggle, I saw what life can be like, and I still believe it was unnecessary. These are beautiful people, How can you keep me from sympathizing with them??? I would trust them anyday, live with them anyday. I suppose I fell into the phrase, "if you can't beat them, join them." I just wanted to pay a tribute of sorts to these friends, I have no idea where they are at in life but hopefully its not in the same or a worse place.
I am also releived to find that Jojo is alright, as I typed these words I had to find out, and she seems to be happy. She kept who she was (the good parts) and I am very proud to see that.
gotta get back to work as well, not a good night to write.
"Smile" By Tupac Shakur
another line from the song
"And a man without a focus, life could drive him insane"
As I was sitting in front of the computer listening to this song, I realized the true value of finding anything higher in life. What is the use of philosophy when you have to fight for your meals? What is the use of science when you have to sleep with one eye open? What is the use of what I want to find when the whole world is suffering from the immediate pains? Why should I search when what the majority needs is so apparent and easy to give? I am searching for reasons, forgetting I have bread in my hands for these starving people at my feet. I am looking to the stars for a purpose when there are so many reasons to help shed in tears by my fellow human beings.
Give me reason, give me life, give me purpose, give me cause, but most of all let me give to this world what it has given me; meaning.
I have gotten a taste of that life, the life lived by unnecessary struggle. When Justice loses its distinction. I can see your faces, I can remember your names;
Cory
Joanna
Johnny (God)
Chris
Matt
I lived with you in that struggle, I saw what life can be like, and I still believe it was unnecessary. These are beautiful people, How can you keep me from sympathizing with them??? I would trust them anyday, live with them anyday. I suppose I fell into the phrase, "if you can't beat them, join them." I just wanted to pay a tribute of sorts to these friends, I have no idea where they are at in life but hopefully its not in the same or a worse place.
I am also releived to find that Jojo is alright, as I typed these words I had to find out, and she seems to be happy. She kept who she was (the good parts) and I am very proud to see that.
gotta get back to work as well, not a good night to write.
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