The Residue of smoke

I was smoking some tobacco just a moment ago and thought about where all the smoke goes after it dissipates in the air in front of me. The nicotine in the smoke supposedly floods the capillaries of my lungs and penetrates the deepest folds of my brain. Down to every neuron is affected by this drug. That is why I smoke it.

But that is a very small fraction of the smoke. All the charred remains of the tobacco leaf also leaves a fine residue on my lungs, throat, and even the nasal passages of my nose in the classic french inhale. But even all of this is still not the bulk of the smoke. I put a paper towel in front of the pipe as well and noticed the nice yellow pollutant it left on the paper towel. I should be disgusted by this, but to be frank I am intrigued. Intrigued as to what happens to all these "pollutants" of the world. I started to realize that all matter cannot be destroyed, fairly simple observation that we learn in our basic physical knowledge that we have been taught since we were children. Something unappreciated I feel. The smoke when left indoors can climb up the walls and ceiling and leave its residue on the drywall of any home or upholstery of any car. and outdoors can climb ever higher into the many levels of the atmosphere.

I started to realize that what we consider pollutants is what is detrimental to our health, the health of life itself, and this elusive concept of the earth. Of course to the earth it shouldn't be that much of a difference. Everything that is on the earth has been for a very long time. The earth is like this paper towel I held in my hand, collecting all the dust and debris of space. But the earth can never truly be "polluted" It is always changing, only when there is the precious self maintained faculties of life can that change ever be deemed detrimental.

Cleanliness is also a damn near impossible concept. There will always be grime, no matter how many times you clean a counter top there will be a residue of dirt, germs, or even soap and water. This is something that I am sure germophobes worry about every day. But it is not the presence of germs that frighten me. It is the concept of a closed system. As an American I feel like I have developed this unquenchable thirst for freedom. The concept of being contained within the confines of the universe is frightening. Supposing the universe was encased within a glass marble and lay on the floor of a persons house. Supposing the universe implodes, expends all energy and "dies" within that marble. Would it even be noticeable? What if the "god" who created this marble forgot about it, or never noticed its difference because the outside of the marble is left unscathed?

But I live under the assumption that things never need to be created, more like re-arranged. Size is such a relative thing, if you put an animal in an enclosure large enough to be unnoticeable it can live under the impression that its world is infinitely large, or at least large enough to survive and rest easy. It doesn't even have to be to that extreme, our earth is like this continent in a sea of space and life hasn't developed the means to swim. We don't have to be encased within a glass enclosure like gods many terrariums in his house of heaven. Or maybe even his only one. When we see the limits of the universe it could just be like the roaring waves that crash along our stellar shores. Seemingly impenetrable at least with the bodies we are born into.

Like any other primate we could probably fasten our tools to break this barrier but what exactly is the point again? Curiosity. A damn unique trait in the animal kingdom. Our curiosity can get us in trouble, but we were kind of born with trouble on our heads the day we entered the world. Death is always there. Sometimes sooner rather than latter. In the end we are left with the decision to either leave the confines of the cage or sit and rot in the splendor of our contentment of home.

I had a dream last night that I had a giant enclosure for some poison dart frogs of ridiculous proportions. I marveled at how large the dart frogs had gotten and realized they were the same ones I had before in my minuscule 20 gallon aquarium. I also noticed that there were very many dead frogs that had tried to escape the cage, some underneath the dark abyss created by my mind underneath the enclosure and some just splayed across the floor. I found this open frame of glass in the cage and realized how they had been escaping. Frantically I tried to place the pane of glass onto the cage and watched as the frogs started hopping out. Panicking I also realised that not all could be saved. I never thought about why the frogs would probably want to leave. It is in their nature to be these readily armed miniature poison critters in a world that is unfathomably big for human eyes. They want to hop around forever.

Perhaps we are much like this, trying to leave the glass enclosure. In theory we could receive two outcomes, one that we find somewhere better (heaven) or fail trying (hell) If this is the case than to me I have realised that if there is a god, and if he indeed has given us free will than he is a utilitarian. But a rather unique one. One that saves the frogs that loyally stay in the cage waiting for their master rather than the ones that leave. sounds much like the decisions I had made. Sounds pretty human.

I think if there was a god he would be dying to communicate with us, and the only thing that could stop it is this comprehensive language barrier. I also feel like if there is only one god he is unbelievably lonely. Who would be more lonely than a single entity only capable of loving his own creation which in all reality is a mirror image of himself. That is why I desire to be one of the frogs that tries to leave the cage, see whats out there and maybe find him. or at least the truth along the way. That's why the concept of children is also such a funny thing, it is like our insurance policy in case there is nothing out there. It seems like procreation was the best way for life to continue living even after it leaves hometree. Procreation is a way of exploration, at least if I don't find anything more suitable my children will. Life is like this traveling johnny Appleseed, dropping seeds along the way. My favorite book as a child and the only thing I can remember about him was his funny looking hat.

But of course if everything is fatalistic, than this whole theory can be thrown out the window. Of course we have slowly learned that it is not, because for one; a single flaw in fatalism would be catastrophic. and that on a small scale we can never truly control our children or the people around us. And Like I have said before size is very relative.

But in the end what will life be? This ember that burns until it is out leaving this fine residue of history on the fabric of space? But this is what I have been doing for the past half hour, burning a piece of life to spread its essence across this giant marble as the miasma of dust settles in an abandoned house. Waiting to be swept and collected again.

The burdon of forgiveness

I heard you hate my guts, I am not surprised. I have earned many things that are coming to me many times over. I heard you think I am an asshole; I only have one thing to say to that. I never chose to become this way. It wasn't easy. Every person has their breaking point, its safe to assume that I don't have one anymore. I was slowly molded into this cynic from years of being pushed and prodded that way. One can't ignore a festering splinter for long. I heard that I am supposed to find god in you, but I already see it. I already see how much he has affected everyone in my life. It makes me sick. I can see disillusionment growing like a plague. Does it matter?

Was I truly seeing the light when I wanted to remedy the world, do what I could for humanity? See the good in humanity?

According to you.

Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for me is whats good for you? Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for us is whats good for man? Isn't it funny that what is supposed to be good for Christianity is whats good for society? And eventually what is good for society, is good for me. At least it is now.

Little things I tend to notice here and there, but I have already said this. Already reached the same conclusions. The next step after finding the truth is telling it right? But not everyone accepts the truth, just like how not everyone accepts a lie. At first. A person has to be convinced, tricked into a moment of changed perspective. That itself, is a lie. It is a lie to believe that when something is written down it is fact. History has been tampered with before, and continues to be. The winners dictate history, and tell it to our children.

Just because you are the first sheep in line for the slaughter, doesn't mean you know truth. Just because every other rat is enjoying the d-con, doesn't mean you should as well. And even when you find that vital truth, it doesn't mean that anyone else will want to hear it. I could say it is people like you that make me not want to bring a child into this world, just as well as you could look at me and think the same thing. Ugly cynics.

I could say you are the asshole, for being so subtle. Never telling me how much my presence truly disgusts you. Give me your truth and I will regard it as a delicate snowflake. The most daring move a person can make; To bear their souls before another. Oh it is rare, but perhaps I can wait for that delicate moment with a stronger heart; so my past doesn't crush the fragile essence of such an innocent gesture under its recumbent weight.

I could say the future is hopeless, but that would be just a blink in comparison to the next moment I can think. My emotions can be a raging foreboding sea, swelling up inside of me. but they are just that, contained inside the safety of my head. When the decision for action comes;

will I be awake?

Or will I be asleep?

But these are not the things that we should think.

So what am I worth?

Worth is something I contemplate often. I suppose the question is; when will I be able to say, "I accomplished _______." So suppose I ate a bowl of breakfast this morning, wheaties for what its worth.

Could I wake up a champion?

No, because I have to eat. it is in my nature, which I never chose to have. I could have ate captain crunch. I suppose that is my choice right? But did I buy the captain crunch? or even if I did, did I make it? No I bought it. Well I suppose then the captain crunch I receive from the handy dandy grocery store is from the fruits of my labors. But I am not the farmer that births the fruit, I am the slave that picks it for the petty handout of the farmer. Does the farmer command the sun to shine on his crops? Even the farmer is a slave. So down to the milk I pour into the bowl from which I eat in the morning I can claim nothing as mine, and guess what?

neither can you.

Nobody can own the land either, once they die the land will own them and provide the necessary nutrients to raise crops for the next land grabbing humanoid. No single person can say, " i saved humanity." because supposing they truly did (albeit improbable) it was actually their parents who saved humanity when they decided to not wear a condom in the mens room at the local bar. No single species can say,"we are divine." because according to every single crazy religion and trusty science we are all born from something. Be it gods magic wand or Homo erectus, no one species is above another. We need to eat the cows, so shouldn't we give them grass? Go ahead and bite the hand that feeds you, just feed the body that eventually bites you. Circle of life, Lion king 101.

So what conclusion can be reached here? We have no choice, we have no fate (because fate utimately is a choice. Think about it, use those synapses.) We are not divine or above anything, we have needs, because all things decay. We don't know why but if we did I suppose we could have the power to become everlasting robots. sounds good I suppose.

Or we can do another thing, something we have been taught our whole childhood. become above ourselves and instead of seeing the why of existence as a way to gain power or prove that some "god" deserves more (as if he needed it.) see it as the answer to the question you asked when you were born, "what is this light world around me?" My educated guess is that we are here because we can be, not because we should.

If there is an afterlife then life on earth is my vacation from it. I hope somebody took photos.

The absent minded tripper

So I just realized I had been in this late start class for the past month now and never knew it. I am so absent minded it is dangerous, and a little hilarious. I am in the middle of doing this paper for a class in which the teacher had us sign for our topics and due dates. I wrote down my due date but not my topic. I usually don't even write this stuff down but I saw the girl next to me write it down and thought,

"hey I usually forget this stuff so I should probably write down the due date as well. "

Didn't even think about writing down the topic at all. I then realized the night before it was due that I had no idea what I was supposed to do except for one thing, it had something to do with emotion. So now I will write about emotions and back it up with a primary source. That is assuming I make it through the night, without giving into this inviting dream world creeping down my eyelids. Sleep is the greatest temptation I have that almost always grants me immediate repercussions. I only remember closing my eyes once and now I slept my way through college. Forgetting that I had an English class until a month into the semester and Forgetting the very topic of my paper.

can the grade recover from this? very likely yes. will the teacher forget about this blunder? perhaps. will I eventually forget all this happened when I walk away with the mediocre C? Yes. But I don't want to deal with the stress along the way, why can't I just close my eyes and wake up at the end of the semester? Why can't I close my eyes and wake up when I have graduated? Am I already sleeping? Am I dreaming and when I am on my deathbed I wake up to realize I had gone though my life in a blur and I only had my eyes set in one direction? regardless of the moments I experience in the now I will soon be looking back at them as faded memories. Was I happy overall, had I lived a good life, done what I could? Would everyone watch the slideshow of my life playing to the song time of your life by greenday? Or would they walk out.

I am always living the dream and forgetting it along the way. I am always letting my eyes close when I want to live and run for all I am worth. Always taking the drugs to return to my point of stasis. Always doing what I want and not what could sometimes be good for me. I work more than I go to school, I care more about school than work, and at the moment I care more about what I am going to say to this bi-sexual girl-out-of-my-league tomorrow than this paper that I failed before I was even assigned it. typical guy, I only want one thing right? I wish it was that easy, I really do. But I am this mindfucked nomad on an alien planet, navigating by the stars inside this gurgling, confused mass of emotions. But I can't reveal that on the first date of course, gotta be the smooth jester for these bloodthirsty mantids.