Burrowed in the Furrows of My brow

Burrowed in the Furrows of My Brow are my secrets manifested in the throbbing pulse of Anamorphic chemicals in Lagomorphic creatures;

When I was a child I thought I was the messiah,  Now I think I am the great destroyer.  The most reassuring feeling I had was of being curled up in Gods palm,  The most terrorizing feeling I had was when I found this to be a lie.

The masses treat God like Heroin;  the great sleep.

I treat God like Ayahuasca;  The fathomless deep. 

Happiness

Once in a while I Google the word happiness,  and I can tell you none of the things that come up are happiness.  Ever.

Nobody in Class understood the meaning of this. ^  My professor calls herself an Art historian and she can't even fucking identify Salvador Dali from Ernst.  Yet she can tell us all the world about the bullshit that Miro puts forth.  I like to hate because I like the way it makes me look,  a bad motherfucker.  I like to be depressed because I like the way it makes people react,  like I have some chip on my shoulder and am a self pitying Asshole.  I like to go insane because I know I will always have solidarity to rely on.  I like to promote myself so people think I am starting to become a cliche. 




Je n'aime pas ces choses ^

Internet

I am writing from the least trusted source on the web,  a blog page.  I find it funny that we are willing to admit a blog is a terrible resource because it is the equivalent of admitting that all individuals are not credible resources. Individuals can type the information they want to convey to the Internet on a blog last time I checked,  if I am mistaken then this reaffirms my fear that we have a total lack of will altogether.  But I digress.

A huge problem I find with the current education system for credible sources is that it gives a catch all rule for finding information, it's only credible if it is scholarly.

( 6 hour intermission)

The prior paragraph was a while ago an I don't wish to continue on the subject,  instead of saving it as a draft I will let you see it as is,  this keeps it alive.  One can feel the sobering dying down of my my minds frenzied mental erection.  

So a Librarian woke me up with a puddle of drool allover my shoulder,  hahaha,  wouldn't be the first time.  I was so embarrassed,  she probably thinks I am homeless or something because I spend a lot of time there.  But believe it or not it's not to sleep,  it's to read.  It's the one place where I can learn at my own discretion which I think is the better way,  knowledge is just too interconnected to just emphasize on all those specifics.  One can't look at the Nuclear Mysticism of Dali without first understanding some physics.  Unfortunately I am not a good racing horse,  you can't just put the blinds on me and expect me to stay in my starting gate.  Currently I am on the path towards trying to fundamentally understand energy (really ambiguous word as I am coming to find out.),  because that seems like the best and most impossible idea to comprehend.  I don't want to open a power plant,  I just want to understand it fundamentally and quiet down my soul.

Sick from evil

I am more sick than you are,  you have withdrawals during an Easter dinner while I have to lie to your family for you.  I am so sick of your bullshit,  they fucking prayed for you thinking that it wasn't your fault.  You almost killed us on the highway today,  never mind, I will never be as sick a person as you are. 

Retrospect

Ah,  Just finished those papers.  I feel so much better now that I got a full night of sleep.  Yet something is bugging me,  it's funny because it seems like I can never enjoy anything but the truth of my enjoyment is the opposite.  I have had joys and Ecstasies in my life that would make a guru blush.

  It is my drive and my ambition that puts such a high price toward enjoyment.  It's so strange,  I love sadness sometimes and deep melancholy,  It reminds me that I still have a heart.  When I am sad it is like a sweet symphony,  a harrowing minor shift into major and divine inspiration.  (watch your feet for the music pun)

If joy and Ecstasy are the shimmering surface of a pond than sadness and melancholy is the somber dark green depths where the bottomfeeders of the imagination lurk.  The key to optimism is knowing when to have pride and when not to.  If money is high,  friends are sociable,  and everything is prospering than be merry.  Prosper as well. Be like a blade of grass in the rainy season,  humility can kill if we aren't careful of it.  Too much humility is like the heavily abused dog that comes back to the master with its tail wagging. I know too many people that suffer from this,  and it's tricky because you cannot cure a person with too much humility by telling them how they should be.  You have to invoke inspiration in them,  you have to make them realize they are great and their potential is great. 


The key to always enjoying yourself however is to have the right amount of humility when necessary.  When money is low,  you have lost respect,  and people around you seem to be happier then have humility.  When I look at where I live,  what I have accomplished,  what image I put off,  and think it seems unsatisfactory I laugh.  I laugh at myself and realise I am just the little creature trying to make the entire world fall before myself.  I laugh because it is failure that has given us the diversity we have today, yes I know,  crazy talk.  But if nature were afraid to fail it would go nowhere,  eventually the organism that plays it safe for too long goes extinct.  We have to change constantly and we have to adapt in order to survive but also to be satisfied. 

We humans are too smart to not take full advantage and feel the greatest pleasure nature is capable of,  it is right here in our bodies.  This could be an argument for drugs,  but it is actually one against it.  We can feel happier without them as crazy as that sounds.  What if I told you I knew the perfect formula to experience bliss at all times?  Well I tell you bliss in your will and that is all.  I only follow the formula for constant bliss when I think I need it,  my brain and my self are at my own disposal to do with as I please.  I am freedom,  freedom is me. 

 However Freedom is just a feeling and chaos is just a concept.  Order is just an idealization and everything can be just as infinite and finite as we wish.  Embrace it all and you will cheat death within your lifetime. 

Sick and Tired

Why would I procrastinate two 10 page papers until the night before they are due you might ask?  Because I want to secretly kill myself from sleep deprivation and I am a dumbass.  Gahd shoot me!

Growth in a stigma

The things I am about to say come out of my own mind,  although I use different words for perspective such as we,  you,  us,  our, humanity  etc. . . . .  it is all hypothetical perspectives played out in my head.  I can only imagine what the human race as a whole thinks or believes,  I cannot actually speak for billions of people.  I can only observe common patterns in human thought and extrapolate trends I believe to fairly accurate.  It is safe to say that the rest of humanity effects my thought patterns and in a way shares similarities both within inherited traits and learned traits.  It is also safe to assume that my inherited traits for the most part are not totally unique in their nature,  DNA has a rubric for homo sapiens that for the most part repeats quite often.  All minute differences aside I will now tell you what I have observed in my brain and pose a theory,

In my mind there has always been a stigma between religion and evolution,  which is quite ironic now that I look at it because the stigma is created through the anomaly of evolution itself.  Looking at the grand perspective of humankind I have realized that religion can be analogous to the action that propels evolution,  religious teaching as well as governmental laws is a rubric of commands that are meant to apply to the entire populace. I will use America as an example: If you think of human behavior as organelles of the cell the physical governmental institution itself is like RNA,  it sort of regulates and commands the flow of cellular work.  The Nucleus is the white house.   The laws of a civilization is like the DNA,  the law is what commands the physical governmental institution (RNA) what actions to carry forward to regulate the processes of the cell.  Now that the analogy is in mind it is easy to understand why this would be effective, after all  it's an effective strategy for our cells,  which are living subunits that are propelled to expend energy in order to grow so logically it would follow that a similar rubric in the organization of individuals contributing to the group would be similar.  This is because a group of individuals in a species must also expend energy for the species to perpetuate and grow as well.


So where does religion come into play for survival strategy?  Religion in and of itself is the act of mutation,  the result of current thought patterns and organization strategies is the result of that mutation.  Humans are mimicking the nature of genes and the survival strategies of life in how they organize themselves.   Once religion was started in various parts of the globe it effected how laws were made and thus how people have behaved for thousands of years.  This has to have an effect on the development of our brains in that a law abiding citizen has the most reproductive success.  But what accounts for the overall lack of leaders in human society?  The general population consists of an average type of IQ and mindset that tends to follow.  If being a human leader means large reproductive success wouldn't it mean that we would eventually have nothing but leader genes?  First I will finish the analogy before addressing these questions. 

 Every religion has a similar pattern of maintaining peace among the ranks,  this also makes the most sense in that the most fitness for the group maintains the most fitness for the individuals.  There is no religion that survives today that has laws such as kill thy neighbor,  steal from each other,  leave your parents,  jump off a cliff and thus receive the lord.  Rules such as these would not survive long because the followers will soon disappear and not maintain them.  Human sacrifice has been found in older religions,  but this did not have as much success as the less violent religions.  But all the same Aztec religion never demanded sacrifices beyond an unsustainable payload and mostly entailed the sacrifice of other groups such as the Mayans.  etc. . . .  Although it could be debated what exactly happened in history,  it would just be semantics.  Now let me emphasize that this shows religion to be a natural product or occurrence of human evolution.  This thus goes into an even deeper realm of evolution that involves the occurrence of communication,  which is the foundation for how religion is delivered.


It is safe to say that communication occurs between all individuals within a species and even cross species but that is a topic of latter discussion.  Communication is a necessity for reproduction,  gregarious behavior,  and keeps the occurrence of cannibalism down.  Without a means to communicate individuals would commence in eating each other,  reproducing with just about anything,  and no group behavior can thus occur.  Communication is a successful survival strategy for species.  The amount of which fluctuates between different specie forms.  



Now the need for shamans has all but disappeared because of a very key phenomenon,  religion,  culture,  and government were evolving.  It is hard to distinguish when,  but the oldest evidence is in the code of Hammurabi.  This is the first occurrence of written law and without any conscious awareness of what the creators had done,  they made headway for the foundation of written religious practices,  commands,  laws,  and accounts.  After this point the shaman is no longer needed because a universal commandment can take the place of the "words of the gods"  and effectively it also takes away their "will" as it was imagined by the shaman as well. 

What does this mean for the present time period however?  This means that;  regardless of origin,  it is a proven observation that nature follows an evolutionary pattern which favors reproductive success.  Religion is a practice that effects the behavior of individuals and it follows that anything effecting the behavior of individuals effects their reproductive success.  So therefore Religion is a result from the patterns of evolution. 

Is it a coincidence that religions tend to favor the passage past the sky and into the heavens as the best pursuit for a human to follow and evolution favors individuals that find new niches? 

Is it a coincidence that the only species capable of interstellar travel so far has developed a means for duplicating the mechanics of DNA with concepts such as government,  laws,  and religion to organize species behavior? 

Religion is a part of progress but it can also hinder progress much like DNA.  In order for religion to have the greatest evolutionary success it has to be able to mutate and adapt.  In order for humanity to have the greatest success we must also take into consideration the evolutionary advantages of religion.  The question is whether religion has effected our psyche over time to the extent that we are not capable of grasping anything beyond it without mutation.  I must take a break I will come back to this latter.  

Friends of Harolds

I believe intravenous Heroin is direct evidence that if a human being were given a little taste of heaven,  they will become capable of the greatest evils to get a little more.

 The Reasons this drug is pursued is perfectly innocent,  we want to achieve the greatest pleasure and happiness with the least amount of effort.  The kind of joys we are promised as children,  just be yourself and you will be happy.  You do not need money to be happy,  but you need it to survive,  and unfortunately you need to survive if you want to perpetuate your happiness.  These promises we are told are also very innocent in their nature,  it's only to motivate us. We are told these things only because our parents wish the best for us.  Parents fail to realize that their children also wish the best for others,  and not everyone is that motivated or happy (like some parents) .  The irony of satisfying ourselves in life is that when we are on drugs,  we suffer from lack of motivation and when we are sober we suffer from boredom/apathy. 

Although the reasons are innocent for such a pursuit nothing in life can come that easy,  a working and surviving organism doesn't burn all that energy to have full awareness to just sit and enjoy it's own devices.  If you really want to relax to your fullest potential than just die,  that is the best sleep you will ever get.  We are at this moment in time with the greatest potential any group of atoms can have,  why waste it?  There is plenty of other time to turn to waste.

If man could he would hold the whole universe by the reins,  he just hasn't made the reins yet.

Maybe it's only a matter of time. . . . .

Conflicted

I am concerned for my friend,  he is heading down a slippery slope.  His habit is not healthy and to be frank it has sucked the life out of him.  Just want to get that out there,  so I can have practice for talking to his parents or him. 

It's funny to think about the people I surround myself with.  It seems like a human predisposition to surround yourself with people that praise you,  or maybe that's just me.  Sometimes it's hard to confront my demons and sometimes it's not. surprisingly it is when I am my most eccentric and my ego is sweltering at record temperatures that I am best able to confront my sad truths.  It is at the peak of the roller coaster ride in my feelings that a missing piece of the track doesn't bother me,  I'm free to die at any time* I am at the crest of my wave and the sun is in my face instead of refracted in the ripples of my watery random thoughts. 


Right now it is not hard to confront my problems,  I feel something incredible is going to happen soon.  It's like that burning sensation I had when I turned my life around before,  and this time around I have gained the painful wisdom of experience, I am not getting knocked down this time.  I had a dream last night that was so incredible I was aloof all day,  my friend would talk to me and I would space out everything he was saying.  The dream was a lucid dream,  and my brain knows what kind of hell can be raised when this happens.  I kept imagining colors and objects that were so beautiful and abstract they could never exist in real life.  The colors had identities and feelings.  I could feel the colors;


 But not the way you feel them on psychedelics. 

No,  I felt them in a way that was highly complex.  Where one green could be mixed with a thousand different blues in a thousand different combinations and the frequency it would vibrate at would give it a kind of oscillation and free forming dimensionality.  This is the downright interesting part of the dream,  this is a part I might paint of many. 

No the strange part of my dream seemed like a face off with destiny,  the existence of which is debatable but I would stand to pose a theory that our lives are a self fulfilling prophecy, part of which is satisfied in our dreams. What happened in the dream reminds me of the quote "As you gaze into the Abyss,  so the Abyss gazes back into you." 

I was looking at a giant movie poster,  of my own face.  My hair was blowing in the wind and I felt detached to this personage.  Like it was my mental projection of myself and my true self was sitting outside of my body looking at what other people see when they see me.  In the picture my mustache was much thicker and it started turning upright into a Dali style.  As this happened my face turned into a grimacing smile and white letters bled into the foreground saying, "Coming soon to a theatre near you!"  Very strange,  strange that this came out of my mind.

Everything hinges on me making it to the summer,  I can do this.  This is the end of my post.  My posts can end at any time because writing for me is a healing process,  while painting is a process that makes me whole so it can never end.

*In this post I would like to leave an asterisk to show what point that the sadness I felt at the beginning of the post melted away. Strange that it happened from those simple words.