Enlightenment

I would like to think that I have reached this point today, just from reading the definition on wikipedia. God it is such an awesome feeling, it is almost too great to handle. I am overflowing from my cup, and it is fairly hard to type.

Basically I just looked at the definition which was this;

Each person, each physical object, from the perspective of eternity is like a brief, disturbed drop of water from an unbounded ocean.

Now I have heard this metaphor many times before and thought this thought. (obviously in a pessimistic way.) But not quite in this way before. I always thought of the universe, everything, as contained within one concept. That it has a beginning and an end (which it physically does.) However this is putting the concept of eternity in a box. Sure the universe is all we can truly ever know to exist and all we can prove to exist so far. But I think the problem is that we tend to see the concept of eternity as dependant upon the existence of a physical realm. We even tend to contribute the eternal realm as something physical as well, a god. Something with capability to create. But I am not arguing the concept of a god being existent itself, I simply cannot tell you if that is true. I am saying that the thought that a god has to exist along with a devil, a hell, a heaven is putting a box around the idea. Making it physical.

Any person can ask, "well who made god? where did he come from?" easy, almost childish question. But we need to realise that children are closer to the moment of nothingness than we are, but they are bred to quickly forget this concept. Children are actually quite onto something. This is what is making god have a box. Eternity, by definition is a concept that outlives god. It is like a master of a house, Just because he dictates what goes in and goes out doesn't mean that he dictates the presence of it. The house is not demanded by the presence of a master, it is a passive relationship. This is the problem with the Christian god, most christian people tend to believe that heaven and hell exist in conjunction with the concept that god created everything. If god created everything did he create himself?

If heaven is the house of god you have to believe one of two things, he either made a box around himself to exist or that it is simply eternity. A concept that outlives god. But regardless I feel like god is not the bigger question here.

In all aspects of physicality, or concepts of it, eternity is something that can exist independent of it. supposing the universe was gone one day, it is not like it never existed in the first place. It did, that is the beautiful miracle that we lucky few got to witness. We are a product of the universe, therefore we have a connection to it. We are the universe. The concept that we compose our bodies and our bodies compose the universe is so simple but we forget it very easily. We tend to think that there is this separation of mind and body, and body from eternity. Our bodies are very much a part of eternity, perhaps a small part. But still a part. Just because something is small does not mean it is insignificant.

If something small such as the universe, is the only small point of uniqueness in a sea of nothing it is actually quite large isn't it?

Size is relative to the space it is in. Size is very relative to the other objects it is around as well. a house is big to an ant, almost as big as a redwood is to us. So then the universe could theoretically be much bigger to an ant than it would be to us? A universe to a theoretical god could be very small and heaven would therefore be larger to us than to god. and Eternity would be even more so.

But the question is this; is the capability to imagine this larger than the concept itself? just because something is contained within a box doesn't mean that it cannot imagine greater things outside of it. Suppose I drew a box on a piece of paper and then drew an unconnected line inside of it. Suppose this box was a metaphor for the universe and then the broken line was a metaphor for the universe as it is broken open to the space around it. Then the contents of the box symbolize a dimension that goes beyond the lines of the box itself. Are we in fact larger than life? At least in our own minds we are. . . . .
egotism at its finest proves nothing to anyone besides the beholder. because what does a fish care about how much imagination you have? But what do you care about what a fish thinks about you?

Size therefore doesn't matter, The ability to govern proves nothing when you are in fact already governed by the laws of nature. The ability to govern nature proves nothing when you are in fact governed by your own laws. The desire to govern is a very natural desire. God wants to rule it all, but one day we will all realize that chaos has a reign as well. We are all trying to battle chaos. Even god. His battle is free will. Without free will the world cannot genuinely exist (theoretically) in his mind. Solution for this; a choice, heaven vs. hell. Ying vs. yang. Ultimately when I look at a ying yang from now on I am going to think of it as order vs. chaos. But to draw it would be to not draw a circle around the other half, because that is containing it. The balance is an invisible line on paper but in reality not a line at all. A line is a very specific thing to attach to meaning, everything is not quite so black and white. Specific things can be blown up into general things and visa versa. True realization is realising they are connected. Balance by conflict.

So to follow my divine realization correctly everything I have just said is in fact quite negligible because it is fitting the concept of eternity neatly into a singular definition. For every drop of water in space there will be another, and for every positive there is a negative. Pessimism vs. optimism. Don't we wish we could only have one? but it would negate your existence. A person who can only be happy is not a person at all. A magnet that has only a positive charge is not in fact a magnet at all. In this case my pessimism was that the universe will end,

My optimism; that it does not matter in comparison to the here and now.

My realization: that nothing can truly disappear. Eternity out measures its own label, and its own master.

Unmotivated man

Too many blisters to type.

Too late to finish my homework.

Too tired to paint.

Too sad to sleep.



It seems like the most underrated type of person in the present day is a caring, nurturing, individual. A nice person is too "weak", not individual enough, too optimistic and not real. You women truly are noble creatures, sometimes I just want to talk to a girl just to get some fresh perspective. Sometimes all I want is to be friends with a girl, true friends, just so I know I can have someone to talk to about certain things and share compassion with. Guys care about their friends just as much, maybe more. But we also want to let the person overcome their struggles and be their own man.



The problem with this is that if the opportunity for a relationship is there I will take it like any other animal. Because maybe, just maybe, we men have also been longing for that significant other our whole lives. sure I can accomplish a lot, receive glory and praise. But who could I share that with? Who else would raise a kid with you? Live their whole lives with you? Quite a feat, quite an accomplishment, but most of all quite a blessing. And judging by what kind of person I am today, I feel the odds of finding that person are slim if not negligible. Because I like to do spontaneous things, leave and go places, be crazy, push the limits. It will be damn hard to find another person willing to do the same and follow me into the abyss. The ultimate sad song, but that is for another day because my fingers are in some major pain cataloguing this song that will fall upon no ears.

A precious piece of dust

I was watching a special by Steven Hawking about time travel and the universe. I was even super motivated to make an elaborate drawing afterwards. The depth of space and ambiguity of existence itself is so intensely fascinating to me.

But there is a different part of myself that is very dormant on the subject, trapped under shrouds of memory and anchored by a deep rooted fear. I have this moment once in a while, where I look up at the stars and run. I run and run and run. I run through every bit of my life, every thought about life and humanity. I feel like I knew more as a child than I will ever know now. Like I was born with the answers and slowly forgot them. Comfort was never a mystery to me.

After watching the mind bending special I was gifted with the more diminished taste of the movie dazed and confused. Every person in that movie seemed so happy. So normal. There was a time when I was normal. I feel more and more insane everyday. I worry about if there is other life in the universe, I think about how small we are. It is like one minute I am a true human being and realise that as a human there is only so much I can do. I remember I am only a living animal. Then there are moments when it seems like I have to take the weight of the universe on my shoulders, like all the suffering of life itself would somehow go unheeded if I did not at least acknowledge it. I think about if there was a god or any other life for that matter, what they would think of us.

The reasonable part of my mind feels like anything alien can be very, VERY, alien to us. cold and indifferent. Maybe they would even hate us. But the very emotion driven part of me can't help but wish that all things that we are told are noble as kids are as pure as we thought them to be. Like in all the stories we hear where love conquers all and there can never be anything else emotionally driven like us, that can love like us. I can't help but think that who could possibly find fault in the love between a mother and child, or the tears cried of a person who has no fault. By sheer luck they are left with these miserable lives. A tear cried for life is the most fragile and unique object in the universe. We have an explanation for life itself, for the universe. for anger, love, sex drive, happiness. All of these seem so necessary for any living organism.

But what is the biological significance of a tear?

This doesn't aid our survival, if anything it is very debilitating. What is the need for music? Humans can cry from a single song. When the universe throws all it can at a man, this egotistical, dominating creature; what does he do? He cries. Being a man means being brave, being a dog means being brave. Being a lion means being brave.

Which animals do we admire? The rabid ones or the compassionate ones? which trait is more rare?

Is the awful abyss of chaos and violent cataclysms of a hostile universe worth the creation of a single intrinsic green and blue gem?

Do we have to be the center of the universe? why? A god would be so comforting right now, but the concept of him causes me to feel so insignificant. I don't want to have a father in the heavens that doesn't in fact wonder as well. So he created a universe with ease, a god that doesn't live up to his potential I suppose. If I saw God I would ask him if he wanted to cry with me. Cry for the lack of inherent meaning for having the gift of intelligence. God will never have a higher power to serve or look to. God will never have anyone but himself. If he is there I will weep for him.

Ah if I was normal I could get my paper done without feeling the need to type this out. I will leave with this question; would you rather have the power to become infinitely small or infinitely large? What is the difference?

BOOM!!!!!

There are sounds of thunder rumbling across my house, rippling down the fabric of my nervous system and translated into shivers down to my fingers and toes. when I was little I was scared of thunder, but now I love it.

Pure unbridled chaos, tearing holes in the atmosphere.

Don't worry everybody, this is the time of year that I cheer up.

This is the time of year that my posts get shorter because I am out experiencing life instead of finding worth in a box full of sentences.

Anyone who tries to get too close to me might find I am like this thunder, a menacing cacophony of sound and swirling emotions. If my lightning strikes you I am sorry, it is my nature. Not only my nature but the building up of so many drops of rain, waiting for the moment that I can finally release this lachrymal cloud. Sweet relief, I wonder if the clouds feel the same way?

There are moments where I feel like I can anthropomorphize everything, maybe this is a product of drugs. I am slowly becoming more unreasonable, with no censorship on my imagination whatsoever. My right side of my brain is working well I see, if it makes me happy what's the difference? Maybe that's what caused our inventiveness from the beginning.

Once again sorry for my lightning everyone, it is a product of me trying to bring you rain.

At the moment, I am nothing. Maybe in a minute I won't be

This site at the moment for me is two things, one a last resort for any sort of mild entertainment and two; a painful reminder at how incredibly fragile my memory is. I have this sort of disease, this special condition where I tend to remember only in images. I only remember something by piecing together something else that reminds me of what exactly I wanted to do. I remember one night I had something I really wanted to say on here. I remember in one moment I was painting and I wanted to really write my thoughts down. My disease is being human.

I did, but not in any language that anyone can read. I can't even read it, its all isolated within this painting that I have been slaving over for weeks that I feel like will blow a persons mind for a second.

But just for that one second, it is very, VERY worth it. Time is much better spent slaving over something that looks appealing rather than a blog post that will appeal to nobody. Nobody more than myself. words are my immediate shout for exasperation, these shouts on paper may not eventually look like shouts anymore. Several slashes and stabs here and there. Vibrant emotional colors swirling together to create an ultimate image. The image ends up being my resolved conflict.

The image ends up being my answer to my question, try this sometime. Paint or draw an answer to a question that has been screaming for an answer. Don't scream too loud because the answer may be no louder than a whisper.

But this is not what people want to see, the hero that died trying is not worth telling about to future generations. Every noble sacrifice of a martyr always produces a wanted effect afterwards. we push a child away from a car because that is noble. People want to see conflict resolved and battled, not just by itself.

But what if both you and the child die? Sure the gesture was probably the greatest sacrifice you could make. But if you hadn't of jumped in front of the car one person would be saved. Utilitarianism at its best. I would jump regardless, I am a hero without a cause. An apple ripening on a tree just to eventually wither on the branch and fall to the ground to rot for the ants. At least in death I can serve a purpose for something besides myself.

Have you ever felt like you were meant for something more?

Have you ever felt like maybe if you could just be heard you could actually make a difference?

Stagnation can only be broken by a rock. Tranquility is a fine goal, freedom ever the better. But first we must endure the rapids if we would ever want to become a still lake. Freedom even on paper is an impossible goal, everything comes at a cost. It is the cost that yields the benefit, we know this. We knew this from the moment we stole our first breath of air. we know this as we take every breath afterwards. I know this when I sit in the limbo between work and school. In the darkest hours is when I shine, brimming with desire to do something well.

I just have to build up this energy, this potential. Take all my energy out of simply moving through time and actually move through space, through my brush and pen, through my fingers onto the canvas. I feel my cup filling up once more, What will happen when the meniscus breaks? The cup will become empty again.

Fighting the good fight alone: Memoirs of a christian born Atheist.

So how does it feel to be an atheist? Not many people ask this question, neither do they wonder how it feels to be an agnostic either. It is kind of like wondering what it would be like to be a virgin your whole life. being a virgin your whole life is quite admirable but unnecessarily hard, painful (that's what she said?), and you will have no heir to really admire your feat. Many people however ponder what it is like to be a Christian. Experiencing god is the greatest thing that can happen to any human being, atheists are in fact the purists of today. Sure way back when being christian was mighty hard, but now that people have taken their own interpretation of the bible, church, etc. . . . turning it into a social get together for mental orgasms, I'm going to say that being a christian in America today is incredibly easy. Take a look at the modern christian family, husband wife and 2.5 children. They own two cars and go to church every Sunday. The kids get to go on expensive retreats and go snowboarding (regional). Of course these are monstrous generalities but in a utilitarian sense, this is Christianity. Generalities have to come from somewhere, perhaps simple observation?



But in a strictly personal sense, for any one human being on earth, the greatest thing they can experience in their life is God. How do I know this? Every person that does tells me about it, I even felt the same feeling and any person who says this was a false feeling can take a look in the mirror when they lose their “faith.” So Atheism is in fact, incredibly, incredibly hard. We have to face the grand specter of the universe by ourselves, we have to face the horrible fact of death by ourselves, we have no metaphysical perfect being to turn to but a “flawed” human as you guys like to call them. And I'm sorry but to have faith in a god and say that humans are not flawed because of that faith is absolutely absurd. But there are plenty who do not like the accusing finger, I'm actually going to go out on a limb and say that all humans don't appreciate accusation no matter how many cheeks they can turn. So you guys can go on with the mental Ecstasy of comfort, marvel at your uniqueness and feel the comfort reserved for a child of being held in the palm of a giant. Take the joy ride and never come back, I don't blame you, go! Go! Go! There is nothing you can lose and so much you can gain. Oh wait, I forgot about hell. Which by the way I would have to say would be so worth it to just catch a glimpse of this elusive god. But to reach the point I was trying to make is Faith, pure blind faith is like heroin. Screw the everlasting water of life that jesus promised. What he actually meant was that you will have a syringe forever stuck into your veins pumping jubilant waves of happiness obliterating any care or reason you ever held. What? Blasphemy you say? Wait until you are on that expensive American deathbed of yours and watch god dance before you like the cohesive particles of your morphine drip. (I am making a lot of “you” statements aren't I?)


Time for me to point the finger back at myself, because that is essentially what an atheist is capable of. Blame. There have been plenty of bad turns of events in my life where I would have loved to point at the sky and say, “Thanks a lot you old fuck!” I am super ignorant, I feel like every moment I learn new things I become more and more confused. I as a human being am scared, petrified by my own existence. I have new found paranoia from far too many trips. I find myself afraid in my mind of so many things at once, there are moments when I think that existence itself is some perversion for something evil. The concept of god seems like an inescapable box, I feel no freedom, I need air! When you yourself are left to your decisions about the universe optimism and pessimism are in a constant battle, both being just as valid as the other. If it is valid there is a heaven it is very valid that there is a hell. If it is valid that we are programmed to exist than it is valid that we could be trapped inside our minds. I feel reality bending before me, every thought, every action I have ever had could be leading up to something incredibly horrible. A horrific realization that my whole life was a sham, a dream, something thought up in somebody Else's head (god) Everything I ever wrote, painted, or believed was a lie. This my friends is the product of growing up in a Christian household, Everything I feel like I accomplish know or do is on borrowed life. I am a wretched “sinner” and I was born a sinner. Not very fair at all I might say. Lets stop calling the sinners “sinners” and just come out with it and call them “slaves” We were born slaves to this god. And now I am starting to turn my pointed finger away.


An atheist like any Christian should never be taken too literally, just like any human shouldn't as well. Which is funny to say because quite literally humans are taken quite literally by the literal text that explains a literal god who spoke existence into being; quite literally. Say that ten times fast, or maybe not, you never know what universe or deity might spring out of your mouth. Atheists take the journey alone, atheists actually let their mind be consumed by the fury that is doubt. Oh Thank god for doubt (hahaha) because without doubt there would be no mystery to the world or the universe. Why introduce a child to a world that is already explained? Torment future generations with the concept that nothing they could ever do is revealing anything or new and exciting. Or wait, have we already been doing that? Apparently life was already figured out 2 thousand years ago and everything we could every do now has no meaning in retrospect. And wait, isn't 2 thousand years ago not that long for a faith to falter? We have convicting faith that the dinosaurs existed and that was so many millennia ago it is incomprehensible. Where did their souls go? Or are we imperfect humans the only true living beings on the planet? If everything was in the garden of eden where is the lumbering T-rex or the brontosaurus? Could those fossils we see in fact be from that sacred paradise? Did Adam have a tapeworm? And did he name it? Or would a tapeworm not be able to exist because that would cause Adam such displeasure? No flu virus or common cold? Behold I have found a creature that did not exist in the garden of eden!!!! An Atheist recognizes that every living thing must feed on another and they also must face this on their own. We can't pray for a cure for our cancer, we must simply endure it and savor our moments of being alive. We must face death and accept it. Never ever tell me that atheism is a cop out. I can name things that suit that word far better. Of course just because it's easy doesn't mean it's true, just because it's hard doesn't mean it is either. Just because you see it doesn't mean it is there, just because you think it doesn't mean it is there either. Just because you feel it doesn't mean it is there, just because you can't doesn't mean it is absent. If there is a god we cannot think him up, if there isn't we can't prove to everyone that he is not there. What would it mean to find chaos? Is it sitting in a box? Where is our Pandora to open it? Just because nothing is fully proven doesn't mean you should make your own conclusions, we can only take the best possible odds. To me god is innocent until proven guilty. Take the first step towards thinking for yourself and question this post, question authority, question fact, question not in hopes of getting an answer but because you can admit that you don't truly know anything.
And marvel at the mystery that is existence on the way.

Gravity is our walls

Do humans really want freedom? It is usually under duress that we perform our greatest, it is at the precipice that we change. If we had an infinite amount of time to do something, would we even feel the desire to do it? If there was no pressure at all, to make anything good or bad in the eyes of our fellow man, would we feel the need to put our greatest effort into it? What is better, throwing paint in the air or putting it into a square? Even if you were to take a picture of chaos it would be contained within a photograph.

We are similar with knowledge, anything we can capture, test and examine within the controls of the laboratory is what we consider our greatest truth. Knowledge is something we can contain within our minds, that works best when it is wrapped up in the folds of our cortex. Knowledge makes the most sense to us when there are rules and constants. That way we can forget about every question that comes with every answer. It is a rule, a conclusion that we settle upon. Believing in fact is the moment when our brains are the most naïve. Much like religion, simple concrete formulations we make about the extremities and unfathomable depths of the unknown. A simple statement that the universe is not shrouded in smoke, it is the smoke. Its like humans want to rule the universe and most animals want to rule over each other. But freedom itself is my question for the day;


I had a moment in my life where I felt like I probably knew more then than I did now and it was when I was around the age of kindergarten. I found a small crayfish amongst a maze of rocks sitting in a shallow stream. I eventually took out all of the rocks and formed a small box around it. A girl then said to me, “he doesn't want to be in a box.” and then I said, “well what if he has unlimited food and water, everything he needs to survive?” and the conversation never really went anywhere from there as far as I know, probably some name calling I would assume like poo poo head and big meanie. Because that's what children really do right? I love sarcasm it is like the tension of a bow, drawn back to simulate a meaning behind the words, and a preemptive demonstration of what is going to happen next. But I better not get off on any tangents again.

So what if we in fact are in such a box, a box that is perfect for us in nature and maybe even keeps us from being obliterated in the outside world. Like fish in a tank, we are protected by our atmosphere. Our little vivarium all neatly condensed in a sphere held by gravity. Is freedom then really that desirable? I mean I suppose the only way to break free would be to exit a rocket ship in space and suffocate to death, without a spacesuit of course which is a protective box as well. Like I said in my last post it is like we are on this continent with the ocean separating us from the rest of the universe. This is a common theme in my life now, I wonder why? What is it exactly that we desire to have ruling the universe? Order or chaos?

dreamscape imagery

I have been having so many weird dreams recently, and its getting. . . . . . . . hard. . . . . . . to differentiate. . . . . . . those dreams. . . . . . . from reality.

sorry for the pause folks the show will continue in 5 4 3 2 1. . . . . .

so anyways time for a rant. Good lord it is so awkward to run into a failed relationship with someone. I certainly have a knack for being a super romantic and a totally spacey asshole at the same time. I certainly have an ability for fucking up relationships (even friendships) royally. But to be frank I feel like they were not healthy relationships to begin with if I cannot fully be myself.

several disclaimers for my friends ( or has beens.):

I am very introverted, so at times I will *disappear* like a social magician.

I can seem ever so angry, mean, and hurtful in very subtle ways, such as cutting off all communication.

but In all honesty, I am a lost, disorganized, super sensitive (to a considerable flaw.) behemoth. I just want to know why I am here. A question that will likely never be answered, thus my epic struggle (mostly with myself.) I LOVE so many people, and life as well. All forms of it. Down to every microcosm, down to every shit loving maggot and up to every glorious stag ramming heads with its fellow stags for the prize of a lovely female. (sorry, got a little too epic there. tmi Dom, tmi. . . . . .) And up ever farther to the throbbing pulse that is life, rhythmically beating into the cosmos and circumventing everything that is the known universe.

and then there are the paranoid moments I have, where I feel like the pulse has to end. Or that we are so incredibly small, and life is just some flu virus jumping from planet to planet (cell to cell) and making some festooned giant incredibly sick. Just to spread to all the other glorious giants. Crazy thoughts of fatalism and paranoia. Crazy thoughts that we are just this crazy thought, imagined by a schizophrenic psycho in an insanity ward. I feel like some moments we will look up one day and realize the sky is this red and purple hued fire all contained under this blackened self inebriated hell. But these moments pass when i realized that if this is not true, the universe is far greater than that. So much more subtle in its ways, too confounding for the human mind and thus very entertaining to a wayfarer such as myself. Almost blissfull; a perfect world is one that I will never fully understand.

I keep thinking about what my good friend smiley said about the psychological definition of happiness (or was it beauty? is there a difference?) which was being content with the universe just as it is. mmmm. . . . what a beautiful definition that can easily be perverted. Like happiness is this vital drug that keeps us from realizing we are in this box, attached to machines in this matrix-like subliminal hole. but of course like the good movie tells us, if there are rules, they are meant to be broken. Or at least in a closed system there are always flaws. Because to me an ideal universe is one that is completely random, nothing ever stays the same (like this post, completely random hot garbage spilling forth from my fingertips.) but here is my ultimate question; does a random universe have to end? The most random result in a string of equations is that they come to an abrupt halt, without warning. Or would it be that they go on? Is life a repeating anomaly or one failing gasp of a dying creature? What kind of fossils will we leave? cigarettes and aerosol cans? Or giant skyscrapers and rocket ships? I have to pee so I leave the rest up to you.