I guess I am posting again, not that it really matters.
When thinking of the sheer magnitude of the universe I feel the deepest apathy ripping and tearing over my body like a horrible storm. I am In the midst of a screeching cacophony and horrid cataclysm of howling and whistling tendrils, I am like the flame of a candle in the eye of a hurricane. The thundering phantom dark greys and blues of the towering volumes of tortured clouds seem to dapple gently on my skin but at the same time penetrate down to my heart rendering its beats all but a short spasm and a blood curdling sputter in a feeble attempt to outlast the storm. I say it would be better for me to go down in a deep loathing of sadness and self pity than to realize in the end that every one of my efforts were for nothing and any chance at seeing things as they are was drowned out by my naïve optimism. We are living inside a giant raindrop, waiting to hit that abyssal sea of eternity without a single glimmer of light to differentiate amongst the billions of droplets splattering in the froth at the crest of a giant wave threatening to tear into that infinitely renewing surface tension between chaos and order. The problem is that there is no true chaos and no true order, there is no true anything as we will never see where we are going. We could very well be that raindrop in it's final descent. It's at these moments when nothing would comfort me more than if at the last second god dipped his hand into the miasma of raindrops and pulled us out, but it's only a blind hope at best. This is the hopeless romantic dilemma of being human, we want the storm to come, we want the waves to come crashing down because we want to be saved by a messiah that is showered with light and that charges into the waves in a brilliant and beautiful act of martyrdom. We want there to be an amazing story behind what brought us up from the sea and into the dazzling temples of paradise, but out of our cynicism we want it to be more than just a fantasy, we want it to be REAL! Whatever that means, if I feel the way I do then as I am writing this very moment it is already happening right now; although it's only a fleeting glimpse flickering in my mind like the grains of a disintegrating reel of film projected on the wall of my life, waiting to be seen in my final moments.
