Discorse, my anti-drug

What is wrong with me? The hardest thing to understand in my life is myself. It is like I enjoy being sad more than being happy. That in itself is sad.

Nothing, I repeat, nothing will make a happy person more annoyed than a pessimistic person and same with the reverse. What is the difference between love and happiness? I will tell you. Because I believe this firmly, That happiness is something that can be horribly biased and selfish. But love can be something unconditional. I know that my happiness is. I feel like a horrible person at times because I love my friends, I love people in general. but sometimes it can be at the expense of my own happiness.

and it can make me feel selfish at times. How can I demand so much from someone that I have spent some of my greatest memories with? I can remember what they used to be like and they have changed. What happened to you kevin? You were my only other deep conversation friend and now you will not have a real conversation with me ever. How hard is it to have someone that I can talk to? Someone that will admit that they feel desperation, that they feel lonly and unsure, that sometimes they do not fell real, that mayby you shouldn't lie to yourself and say you are happy. Oh how I miss you! but you are not that person anymore. I can see it. YOu have become a complete perversion of that friend I knew. As if someone took the best traits in you and turned them into their opposite. What a shame. Mayby its the drugs. but thats what I get for being sympathetic to those "people" right?







but friends are a weird thing and this should be a separate post so I will separate it. If they are not there you can do without them. But when they are there you feel such a pang in your heart when they are gone. It is always right after you are done hanging out with a friend that things feel lonely, out of place, and just crap. But after a night it goes away. It is like friends are a drug. It is like they can be abused like one too. When do you call them up? only when you need them.

and you know what? Its about time I said a thing or two about drugs. Is it against them? yes. but it is in a totally different way that you will see in a second. So first to clarify my intent with a question, Why did I do drugs?

Here is the part where I start to sound weird. It was to drown out thoughts. It was to make my life real. It was to dumb myself down until I was happy. For the longest time my phrase has always been,

Knowledge is power but ignorance is bliss.

And I followed that with everything. Because the more you start to think about your life the more you realize that if you want to be happy you are going to have to pretend like certain things are not there. and thats why I don't quite like happiness. I like TRUE happiness. So I thought, How am I going to make myself dumber? The best solution was a temporary dumbness with drugs. Eventually that became a self perscribed medication and it did its job well.

but wow were they overrated. I was given the impression that they would make you see cool things. They sure did but also practically blacked out and distorted everything else around that thing. And the visuals were not fun. They were disturbing and horrible. Not only that but the cost to see and feel these things people talk about is not worth it whatsoever. You feel poisoned your body feels damaged and your mind is struggling to breath amongst the toxic fear. I was given the impression that they would make you feel good. but what is that worth when it is over? It makes real life seem bad and that was something that I never wanted. At the least life was already bad enough. not saying I don't like life, Im just saying why would you want it to become dull unless you actively change it with another hit?

but they did do something good. I am not that biased. They awoken something in me that had been suppressed by emotion and fear. There was a part of me that said, "suck it up and confront your questions you fear so much, confront everything." because thats who I am. I never want something to be a lie when I can do something about it. If I would have kept doing drugs I would have gotten a good job, a nice wife, and settled down with some kids and I would have become an active part of the community. And that is not who I am! I want to find the truth. I want to use every part of who I am to find my cause, to find the noblest cause, to make a difference for the better, to desire something higher, to discover. What a great feeling, discovering something new. But is this the harder path? of course.

Like I said before I do not want to take the easy road out of life. The easy road of happiness. I want TRUE happiness. something earned. Even if its in a moment or I do not find it at all I will do it until I die. I do not want money or any sort of material possesions. I do not want status. I want discovery. I want to find my cause. I want to be something more. To find something higher. I want to live on a meager living and be actively and constantly searching, thinking, discovering, learning, and although I hate to admit it teaching. I only like to lead by exampe though and thats why I would not be a good teacher. I cannot plant the seed of knowledge I can only lead by example so others can learn. And to say one last thing I have a huge respect for those who can teach.