Time, existance, everything......

Ah now I remember why I started to hate philosophy so much, now I remember why I got to the point I got to. Now I remember why I wanted to drown these thoughts out. It was the question of existance, the question of time. Is there meaning to existance? That is a yes or a no answer but it is the hardest question to ask. It is not hard to understand if there was no meaning to existance but at the same time it is so undesirable that we can't imagine it any other way.

I do not just mean is there a meaning to life, but is there a meaning for rocks, gravity, stars, planets, fire, ect.... Notice I made a list of things, because I could not just say is there a meaning to matter itself. There are laws that come with matter such as gravity, combustion, and thermonuclear dynamics. Also note that the laws I stated are laws we discovered by creating them. Laws are such a funny thing. Like for example what about the laws of mathematics? What if instead of counting to 10 and than repeating we counted to 7, 12, or 15? Everything would be different. Is each one credible? yes. But which one would find discoveries the quickest? What if the answer to all of the greatest unknown annomalies of math could have been discovered using a different system? Or even better would a different system lead to the same conclusions?

So are the laws of the universe because of matter or is matter because of the laws of the universe? If matter was because of the laws of the universe that could mean that there is a governing force such as a god to dictate matter. The reverse would also be true.

what about time? Is time something that only exists because we perceive it to be there? What do the rocks care if time stops or starts? If time was something that could be stopped or started without effect, what if time went in a loop? Is infinity not just a big circle? what is a circle but something that goes over itself? Every cirlce has to have a beggining but it does not necessarily have to have an end. What if thats what existance was? A circle. Could it be started with or without a "god"?

One other question, what does god think of procreation? If god made us to die why did he make us to procreate? If god designs each person before he/she is born how come they look the same as, act the same as, and have the same genes as their mother and father? When does a person officially have a soul? Is it when they first see the light of day? but I thought babies kicked in the womb. A soul as people define it sounds like a type of parisite to me. something that lives inside a "host" (your body, which technically isn't yours if it is not an extension of your soul.), and then uses your body as a medium until it dies and the soul can escape. If your body is an extension of your soul than you officially have a soul at fertilization. But wouldn't that make eggs and sperm potential souls? If thats the case I have killed a lot of young souls. lol. but so have you so I wouldn't laugh. So back to god, why design something that; you only get to design once and than it handles itself on its own from there, That will die but procreate something that is not his (gods) own but shared with the parents, Give them all a doomsday that will not enable some new souls be born or for anyone to grow enough to understand why their parents are being eaten by demons?

It is like Adam was the firstborn child and we are the youngest. I wan't to be a birth from the holy father. why can't I be? He is not my father, he is my great anscestrial grandfathers father. Why should I see him when I die and not my birth father who really made me, "in his image"

but I will not allow the same thing to happen that happened the last time I asked questions like this. I may not know my purpose but I sure as hell know that I want one and forgetting about it and indulging in superficialism is not going to solve anything. Obviously I cannot run from these questions. (even physically although I thought I could for a while.)